A Minnesota Story

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake.
Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked into Ole’s eyes and said, “Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.
Happy Sunday

Duck Hunt

Guy from the city goes out hunting ducks and he shoots one.
The duck falls out of the sky, into a field on the other side of a fence. So the duck hunter goes over to get the duck but sees no trespassing sign on the fence.
Looking around, he doesn’t see anyone, so he climbs over and gets the duck.
Suddenly this big farmer comes up.
Hey! What are you doing here, you’re on private property
Hunter says Well I shot this duck I came to get the duck.
Farmer says That’s my duck.
Hunter says No you don’t understand. I shot the duck, it’s my duck.
No you don’t understand. Where are you from?
From the city.
That’s the problem. You don’t understand property rights. My land, my duck.
Hunter says yeah but…
I tell you what, we’ll solve this the country way.
what’s that?
We kick each other in the groin, last one standing gets the duck.
Hunter says well okay.
My land so I go first.
So the farmer hauls off and kicks this guy in the groin as hard as he can. Laying on the ground moaning and groaning for15 minutes, finally catching his breath, the hunter gets up.
It’s my turn now.
Farmer says Ok you can keep the duck.

Looking for a 4th

Three guys go to the golf club looking for a 4th, as their buddy moved out of state. They find a guy sitting at the bar.
“Yeah, I can play a round with you guys on Saturdays, but there might be times when I’m a little late.”
They head out to the course, and the new guy is amazing. Clearly a better player than the other guys. They have a good round, then make plans to meet next Saturday, same time. “Dont forget, I might be a little late,” the newcomer reminds them.
The next Saturday, the guy is on time, carrying left-handed clubs. Another amazing game, he easily out-plays the others. They finish back at the club, plan to meet again next week. “Don’t forget, I might be late.”
The following Saturday he is on time, with right-handed clubs again, and has yet another amazing game. As they head back to the club after the game, one of the guys asks, “it’s amazing how good you play, both left and right-handed. How do you decide which way you’re playing?”
“Well, when I wake up in the morning, I see how my wife is sleeping. If she is laying on her left side, I play left-handed. If she’s laying on her right, I play right-handed.”
“What if she’s sleeping on her stomach?”
“Those are the days that I’ll be late!”

The Bull

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ……smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week ! ………..You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
‘My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’
I looked at her and said,
‘Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.’

The Frozen Little Bird

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

*Moral of the story:*

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Sunday, May 2, 2021

It Feels the Same All Around

As I settle into my new job, I’m meeting many a new and interesting people, but they don’t exactly feel new to me. One thing that I have noticed as I have aged, is the phenomenon where faces are starting to rhyme. I have met enough people in my life that when I meet someone new, I know someone else who looks and acts fairly similar.

Sometimes it is a person I knew years ago that would be much older now, but I’m meeting them as a young person again. Then there are the “mix’n’match” They have features that come from a few different people in my past with a personality that I’ve already come to know. In any event, I feel like I know a lot of these people even though I have never actually met any of them before.

Now I am not dumb enough to ever tell a person they remind me of someone else. Here is a pro tip: If you ever hear yourself utter the phrase, “You remind me of…” you done fucked up. It always comes across as creepy and insulting, so stop yourself before it happens.

This effect is actually a blessing when I am around new people. That familiarity allows me to feel more comfortable, and when I am comfortable, that feeling carries over to the people around me and they feel more comfortable as well.

Ah yes… I think we are going to get along quite nicely.


Kudos

As always, thanks for contributing jokes through the Flush Twice submission page. I’m still posting comics and these “Rants” around the weekend, but don’t hold your breath if I’m a day or two late.

Pax,

-f2x