Lifespans

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I’m doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch…

Ted’s Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced. “Ted was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Ted. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Ted Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

“Mexi-cution”

Three women went to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and they release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and for her last words she says, “Well, I’m from the Louisiana State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya’ll right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”….

The Lawyer’s Benevolent Offer

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us too.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place… the grass is almost a foot high!”

Routine Lady Checkup

So, I went in for a routine lady checkup, right… And of course I scrubbed, scraped and shaved like I was going on a first date with with the man of my dreams.. And I decide I’m gonna go with the new body spray I bought… So I sprayed myself like a second shower! I made sure to double spray the land down under so it would smell like sweet magnolias or whatever the hell the scent of the month was at Bath & Body Works… Boom, get dressed and head out… As I’m laying on the table with my ankles to my ears.. My doc begins the exam.. and giggles!… TWICE!!… Idk about you! But when someone is face to face with my lady taco… laughing isn’t the first thing you wanna hear 🤦‍♀️ So I’m asking: Uhhh, is everything ok?… Of course my doc is apologising but he can’t help but still smirk.. Sooo I take a peek👀… and omg!!!! It looked like a damn party in my pants!… I had used fucking glitter spray!!!.. Under the 7000 watt spotlight, it looked like a damn disco ball… Now I’m laughing.. The doc is laughing.. So awkward… He finds his way through Sparkle Valley and finishes up… As he walks out, he let’s me know that it’s totally fine to come as you are… He said further, no need to get fancy