A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever about the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Well, you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro sheepishly said.
“Oh great!” exclaimed the beginner. “NOW you tell me!”
After spending a weekend in Las Vegas, a man came home with a cool $100,000 in cash winnings. Not wanting anyone to know about it, he dug a hole in the back yard and hid the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found someone had dug it up and taken the money. He noticed the footprints from the hole led to the house next door where his deaf-mute neighbor lived.
Down the street lived a professor who understood sign language. Knowing this, the enraged man grabbed his pistol, dragged the professor to the deaf man’s house and held the deaf man at gunpoint
The man growled at the professor, “Tell this guy that if he doesn’t tell me where my money is, I’ll kill him!”
The professor conveyed the message, and the deaf-mute replied in sign language: “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, “He said he will never tell you. He would rather die first.”
A young secretary had just returned from her vacation and was telling her boss about the fun time she had. She then asked him for two weeks leave so that she could get married.
“But you just had two weeks off,” her boss protested. “Why didn’t you get married then?”
“What?!” she cried. “And ruin my vacation?”
A guy walked into a bar with a banana on his head.
The bartender casually mentioned, “I don’t know if you realize this, but you’ve got a banana on your head.”
“That’s okay,” said the guy. “I always wear a banana on my head on Tuesdays.”
“But today is Wednesday,” explained the bartender.
“Oh no!” exclaimed the guy as he turned pale. “I must look like a complete idiot!”
A man walked into a dentist’s office and said, “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist explained, “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”
“Yes, I know,” acknowledged the man.
“So, why did you come in here?” asked the dentist.
Nonchalantly the man said, “The light was on.”