Red Flags

So he seems like a nice guy, and you decided to go on a date with him, but if he utters any of the following phrases, run for the nearest exit and don’t look back!

“I really don’t like this restaurant, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”

“I refuse to get [cable/internet/cell phone]. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”

“I used to come here all the time with my ex.”

“I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”

“It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”

A Man, His Son, and the Donkey

A man and his son were taking their donkey to be sold at the market.

As they walked along by its side a man passed them and said, “You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”

So the man put his son on the donkey and they went on their way.

Soon they passed a group of men, and one of them said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

So the man told his son to get off, and got on himself.

They hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”

Not knowing what else to do, he pulled his boy up with him on the Donkey.

By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The townsfolk said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey?”

The man and his son tried to think of what to do. At last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and carried the donkey through the town. They walked amidst the laughter of all who saw them until they came to a bridge. As they crossed the donkey managed to kick free, and in the struggle fell over the bridge and drowned.

“Let that be a lesson to you!” said an old man who had followed them, “If you try to please everyone, you may as well kiss your ass good-bye.”

The Piano Tuner

Margery answered the door to find a workman carrying a box of tools.

“Good morning, Ma’am,” said the man as he politely tipped his cap. “I’m here to tune your piano.”

“There must be some mistake,” said Margery. “I never sent for a piano tuner.”

“I know, Ma’am,” came the cheerful reply, “but your neighbors did!”

Fishing on the Bayou

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spotted a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth.

Being a longtime fisherman, he knew the best bait for large catfish was toads. In a flash, Bubba grabbed the snake from behind and carefully removed the toad from its mouth and put the toad in his side bag.

Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba took out his bottle of moonshine and carefully placed two drops into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes glazed over and quickly went limp. Bubba let the snake loose in the water and went back to fishing.

A few hours later, Bubba was about to head back home, when he felt something tapping on his leg. He looked down to see what it was, and there was the water moccasin with two frogs in its mouth.