After his family moved to a new town, little Johnny had his first day at a new school. His previous school records seemed to be misplaced, so the principal was trying to assess Johnny’s education level.
“Can you count to ten?” asked the principal.
“I sure can!” beamed little Johnny. “My dad taught me how!”
“Well then, what comes after nine?” quizzed the principal.
“Ten!” said little Johnny.
“And do you know what comes after ten?”
With a confident smile, Johnny replied, “The Jack!”
After his female coworker fell quite ill, Bob drove her home from work. Though it was an innocent gesture, it concerned him that if his wife found out, she would fly into a jealous rage.
After work, Bob and his wife had plans to dine out. On the way to the restaurant he noticed a high-heel shoe peeking out from under the passenger seat.
Bob was afraid his wife would discover that another woman had been in the car, so he waited until she was looking out her window before scooping up the shoe and tossing it out the driver’s window.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot and parked the vehicle. As he was about to get out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”
Marcus got a job at the Post Office sorting the mail. He separated the letters so fast that his motions were practically a blur.
At the end of his first day the supervisor remarked, “I just want you to know, you are one of the fastest workers we’ve ever had!”
“Thank you, Sir,” beamed Marcus, “and tomorrow I’m going to do even better!”
“Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do any better than you did today?”
Marcus explained, “Tomorrow I’m going to actually read the addresses.”
A defendant was found in contempt of court and fined $200 for calling the judge a pig.
Following the charge, the defendant asked the judge, “Does this mean I cannot call a judge a pig?”
The judge sternly rebuked, “It absolutely means you may not call a judge a pig!”
“Well, can I call a pig a judge then?” asked the man.
Humoring the man, the judge replied, “I see no harm in calling a pig a judge, if you so choose.”
The man gave a wry smirk as he said, “Good day, Judge.”
Two college buddies ran into each other after many years. It turned out, one of them had actually had quite a bit of financial success, and his pal asked him how he did it.
“Well, you might think this sounds corny, but after graduation, I found God,” explained the former classmate. “After praying for guidance I opened the Bible at random, dropped my finger on a word, and the word was “oil”. Well, I invested in oil, and those oil wells gushed! A few years later I dropped my finger on another word and it was “gold”, so I invested in gold and the price soared!”
The friend was so impressed that he rushed home, grabbed his dusty old Bible off the book shelf, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes to see where his finger rested: