Pets Passing

A German Shepherd, Labrador retriever and a cat died and went to heaven. All three sat before God who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German shepherd said, “I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master.”

Good,” said God. “Then sit down on my right side. Labrador, what do you believe in?

The Labrador answered, “I believe in the love, care and comforting of my master.

“Ah,” said God. “You may sit to my left.”

Then he looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

The cat answered, “I believe you’re sitting on my seat.”

No Stop Sunday

A man on a train gets up and moves to the doors. A conductor notices and says “Sorry sir, this train doesn’t stop at the next station on a Sunday night.” Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says “It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like.”

So as the train slows down the conductor takes hold of the mans coat collar and lifts him out over the platform, “Start running in the air so you don’t fall over as you touch the ground.”

The man starts running in the air as the conductor lowers him and he has so much momentum as he hits the platform that he runs past his carriage and comes alongside the next one, the door of that carriage opens and a passenger reaches out, grabs his coat collar and lifts him inside, slamming the door, saying “You’re lucky there mate, this train doesn’t stop here on a Sunday night.”

Psychiatric Rounds

A psychiatrist was doing his rounds in a mental hospital.

In the first room he saw a patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asked the patient what he was doing.

The patient said, “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player.”

The doctor remarked that was a good goal to have and moved to the second room where he saw a patient standing on his bed swinging an imaginary golf club.

The doctors asked him what he was doing and the patient replied, “I’m not going to be here forever. When I get better I want to be a golfer.”

The doctor said that it is good to have goals and moved on to the third room where he saw the patient standing on his bed pouring a bowl of cashews down his pants while performing pelvic thrusts.

The doctor asked, “hat the hell are you doing?”

The patient responded, “I’m never getting out of here! I’m fucking nuts!”

Cunnilingus Craving

John had just gotten out of prison. All he had in his possession was a shoe lace and $10.00. While he was in prison, all he could think about was eating pussy. That is all he wanted to do when he finally got out.

Now that he was out and had some money, he went to the nearest whorehouse to fulfill his dream. He went up to the counter, slapped his $10.00 bill on the counter, and told the person, “I want to eat some pussy.”

The guy behind the counter looked at him, and said, “Dude, this is $10. I can’t get you anything for that. What year do you think it is?”

John grabbed the guy by the collar and started shaking him “I just got out of prison. Im going to eat some pussy if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Okay, okay….I think we can work something out,” the guy said.

He led John to the back of the whore house to the oldest, most used up worker in the place. “Well…this is what you get for $10.”

John didn’t care. He started going to town. While he was doing the deed, he felt something get stuck between his teeth. It was a Corn Flake. “Okayyyy,” he thought. He had corn flakes for breakfast, so not a big deal. He continued on his quest until he felt something else get stuck in his teeth. It was chipped beef. “Okay, this is really weird”, he thought. They sometimes served chipped beef in prison, but John hasn’t had it in weeks. He started to feel ill and said, “I think I’m going to throw up.”

The worker looked down at him and said, “That’s what the last guy said.”

Watch Repair

A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch has stopped working.

He looks around looking for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enteres the store, to his surprise he does not see a display of watches, but only a long counter, behind it sits a Jewish rabbi with a long white beard.

“Hello,” the man says, “Can you please check my watch, I think it broke down.”

“I’m sorry,” the seller says “I do not know anything about watches. I am a mohel. I perform circumcisions”.

“How nice,” the man answers “definitely important work.” He continues. “But if so, why did you hang a large clock outside your store?”

“Well,” replies the mohel “What do you expect me to hang out there?”