At the bar, Mark was telling his friend Bill that his wife had won a free trip to a day spa.
“She said they treated her like royalty,” explained Mark. “She got a massage, did up her hair, painted her nails, and they even gave her a mudpack facial.”
“I bet she looked amazing when she got home,” commented Bill.
“Well, yeah, she looked great for two days,” said Mark. “But then the mud fell off.”
As a the date of the solar eclipse approached, the director of a local planetarium published a warning in the local newspaper about the eclipse, and warned the community not to look directly into the sun.
The newspaper then received an indignant letter from a local resident. “If an eclipse is so dangerous,” she reasoned, “they should never have decided to hold one in the first place and ought to cancel it!”
A couple was sitting in the living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife remarked, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asked the husband.
“It’s me,” replied the wife. “I was talking to the wine.”
At the Parent-Teacher conference, the discussion focused on little Billy’s low grades.
“As Billy’s teacher,” Mrs. Crabtree began, “I can assure you that I’ve done everything to encourage the boy to learn the material. He simply lacks the capacity to learn along side the other students.”
“This is terrible news that you’re telling us,” cried Billy’s mother. “Surely there must be something positive you can tell us about our boy.”
“I can only think of one thing,” sighed the teacher. “With grades like this, he’s obviously not cheating.”
Jeff was a philandering womanizer who habitually ran around on his wife.
One of his coworkers called him out on it and said, “Jeff, how can you live with yourself, the way you run around cheating on poor Susan? Doesn’t it bother your conscience at all?”
A look of concerned remorse befell upon Jeff’s face as he considered the callousness of his actions. He then said, “Yes, it bothers me for a while, but when I don’t hear from their lawyers, I don’t feel so bad anymore.”