Home From College

A boy comes home from college

He was a bright kid, and the first person from his small town to actually attend college. So when he came home, no expenses were spared.

The town threw a huge party in the center of town, with everyone cooking and bringing a dish. There was music, dancing, food, all to celebrate his return.

As the town sat down to eat, the boys father raises a toast. After he asks the boy,

“So, what did ya learn, out there at that fancy school o’ yours?”

“Well” says the son, “π r²”

All of a sudden, the father knocks his son to the ground.

“Dad what’s wrong!?!” The son says

The father, furious, says,

“You mean to tell me, that we spent all this money, you spent all that time, just to tell me Pie are square?!?!? We know that Pie are round!!!! Corn bread are square!!!”

Rancher

“A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin alright”
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)……
“Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!””

A Sea of Suds

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. When he touched it, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that she could deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, the man blurted out, “Turn the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped her hands and the entire sea turned into brew.

The other man looked in disgust at the one who made the wish and said, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

Robbery Witnesses

An armed masked man burst into a bank and yelled “EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

Terrified, the patrons and staff complied.

As the robber loaded up his sack with cash, his mask slipped off. He quickly pulled it back up and saw two guys who may have seen his face.

He pointed his gun at the first guy, “Did you see my face?”

“Yes”

BANG! He shot him dead on the spot.

The robber pointed his gun at the second guy, “Did you see my face?”

The second guy pointed to a woman sitting in the reception area, “No, but my mother in law did!”

Musical Message

The preacher liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday.

One week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?”

A member of the choir chimed in with, “I Shall Not Be Moved!”

The next week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of tithes and gladness in giving to the Lord. What hymn should we sing?”

A different member of the choir called out, “Jesus Paid It All.”

The following week the preacher said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this week on the evils of fornication. What hymn should we sing?”

From the back row an older choir member sighed fondly, “Precious Memories.”