A used car salesman was having a little trouble selling a particular car to a young man.
Finally the salesman said, “I’ll tell you what. If you buy this car, you can have that cute blonde in my office for the rest of the afternoon.”
So the young man bought the car and took the blonde out to Lover’s Lane. As he put his arm around her, he whispered something into her ear.
“Oh, no!” she replied, “You already got that when you bought this car!”
Several women appeared in court. Each one was accusing the others of causing trouble in the apartment building where they lived.
Their cackling and bickering filled the courtroom until the judge was forced to use his gavel. With Solomon-like wisdom, the judge stated, “I’ll hear from the oldest woman first.”
After a prolonged silence, the case was dismissed.
A bear walked into a bar, held out a twenty, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender took the twenty, mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the bear, and handed the bear a few coins in change.
After a few minutes, the bartender remarked, “You know, I think you are the first bear I’ve ever seen in this bar!”
The bear looked at the change in his paw and said, “And at these prices, I’ll be the last bear you’ll ever see in this bar too.”
Justin crawled into the police station pleading for help. The officers on duty immediately tried to administer first aide, but could find no apparent injury. They helped him into an office, sat him down in a chair, and asked him what happened.
“My wife tried to kill me…” he stammered as one of the officers began taking notes. “We were sitting in the living room, talking about what to do if the unthinkable ever happened. I told her, ‘Dear, I don’t want to be kept alive on machines and liquids. If you see me in a vegetative state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive.'”
Justin continued, “It was then that my wife got up from the sofa and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable,
the DVD player, my computer, and my Xbox. If that wasn’t bad enough, she went into the fridge and tossed out all of my beer!”
Morris slept with his neighbor’s wife. At first it seemed that the neighbor was none the wiser, but 9 months later when the baby arrived, it was quite apparent that things didn’t add up. The Neighbor’s wife broke down and confessed her infidelity to her husband.
Armed with the truth, the neighbor confronted Morris. “I know what you did!” he yelled at Morris, “And I’m going to make you pay for this!”
“Rubbish!” countered Morris. “Why should I have to pay twice?”