A Goodnight Kiss

At best, it had been awkward evening. After walking Alice to the door, Joe decided to there wasn’t much to lose, so he gave her a smouldering grin and asked, “How about a goodnight kiss?”

Incensed by his forwardness, Alice haughtily rebuffed him by saying, “I don’t do that sort of thing on a first date!”

His grin gave way to a smirk as he remarked, “Well then, what about on a last date?”

The Lengthy Sermons

A preacher had been notorious for his lengthy sermons. One Sunday he noticed a parishioner leaving halfway through the service. Just before the finish, the parishioner came back and returned to his seat.

Afterwards the preacher asked him where he had gone.

“I went to get a haircut,” said the man.

“Why didn’t you go before the service?” asked the preacher.

“I didn’t need one then!”

Making Faces

Little Billy was making faces at his classmates. The teacher became irritated and told Billy to stop.

“Why should I?” asked the defiant child.

“Because if you don’t,” explained the teacher, “Your face will eventually stick and it will stay like that forever!”

Billy rolled his eyes and said, “Can I assume you’re speaking from personal experience?”

The Vacuum Salesman

There was a knock at the door. When Mary answered it, she found a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

”Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

Quick as a flash, the young man pushed open the door and barged into the living room.

“Now I know you’re sceptical,” said the salesman, “but just wait till you see what this baby can do!”

With that, he emptied a bucket of dirt, rotten eggs, mushy tomatoes and other trash onto her carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this garbage from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat every last bit of it right off your floor.”

“I’ll fetch you a fork,” Mary replied. “I couldn’t afford the bill, so they shut off my electricity.”

Valuable Elements

The teacher asked her students, “If you could have an unlimited supply of any element, which one would you want?”

One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”

Little Johnny said, “I would want silicon.”

“Why would you want that?” Asked the teacher

“Well my mom got some,” he replied, “and now there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”