Graveyard Shortcut

It was the middle of the night when Johnny’s car broke down a few miles from home. He decided to just walk the rest of the way, but to save time he would take a shortcut through the local graveyard.

As he was walking along the headstones, he heard a faint tapping noise. The deeper he went into the graveyard, the louder the tapping grew. Johnny started to feel very anxious until he saw the source of the tapping. An old man with a hammer and chisel was hunched over one of the headstones.

Relieved, Johnny said to the man, “Gee, mister, I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?”

The old man continued chiseling and said, “They spelled my name wrong.”

Tampering with Time

A scientist built a time machine, and decided to travel back in time to ancient Rome in order to advance society more quickly.

Carrying a laptop computer, a television, and a cell phone, he went before emperor Caesar and said, “Emperor! I have brought you these gifts from many millennia in the future! Here, allow me to show you how they work.”

Caesar then turned to his guard and said, “Insanum hunc auferte ineptum.”

The Soviet Butcher Shop

A soviet butcher came out, looked at the long line, and yelled, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher came out again and looked at the line. He yelled, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not a member of the communist party, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour, the butcher came out again. “We don’t have enough for all of you! , unless you’re a veteran of the great patriotic war, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour, the butcher came out. “We are completely out of meat for today! Everybody go home!”

One communist then turned to the other and said, “Yibat! What did I tell you, comrade? The Jews get all the luck!”

Who Killed Caesar?

The teacher had a curious issue with his class and asked the principal to weigh in. To demonstrate the problem, the teacher called on a student and asked him “Who killed Julius Caesar?”

The student was terrified, “I swear it wasn’t me! I never even met him!”

The teacher went around the room and asked the rest of the class, but they all gave the same answer. The teacher then turned to the principal and asked him, “Do you think such a response is normal?”

The shocked principal replied “Are you sure the killer is in this class?”

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis… I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.