Survey Assumptions

Outside the UN in New York City, a pollster was attempting to take a survey on a local topic.

Four men walked by: a Saudi, an Ethiopian, a North Korean, and a resident New Yorker. The pollster cleared his throat and said to the men, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage.”

The Saudi replied, “What is a shortage?”

The Ethiopian asked, “What is meat?”

The North Korean queried, “What is an opinion?”

The New Yorker responded, “What is ‘Excuse me?'”

Lottery Winner

An old Jewish woman won the Super-Lotto jackpot worth over $100 million.

The local news sent out a reporter to interview her: “So tell us, Mrs. Rosenberg, how do you plan on spending your winnings?”

“Well first I’m going to donate a million dollars to the synagogue, and of course I’ll also donate a million dollars to the community,” explained the elderly woman. “Then I’m going to commission a solid gold statue of Adolf Hitler and have it prominently placed in the middle of the town square.”

The reporter nearly choked on his lozenge before blurting out, “But Mrs. Rosenberg, Hitler was an awful, awful man. Why would you want to honor such a monster?”

The old lady held up her arm as she pulled up her sleeve, “Because he gave me the winning numbers!”

Moses on the Mountain

Moses went up the mountain while his followers waited below.

The clouds obscured what was going on, and all anyone could hear or see was 40 days of thunder and lightning.

Finally Moses came staggering back down.

The people approached Moses and asked, “What happened up there?”

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Moses began. “The good news is that I got Him down to 10 commandments.”

“Tell us the bad news,” the masses cried.

“Adultery is still on there.”

Sunday, December 8, 2019

The Binge

If you hang out in the wrong parts of the internet, there are a lot of people talking about all the new streaming services and the shows on them. Isn’t that just great? Well one of the shows people won’t shut up about is “Gravity Falls”, and I’ve wasted my entire weekend watching this dreck. I’m not even halfway through, and now I’m probably going to waste a bunch of my evenings during the work week to finish up the series because I have no self-control.

Of course I can’t just enjoy a show like normal people. I have to beat myself up whenever they say something incredibly funny and clever. I mean, why can’t I be that funny? Damn them for being professionals at their craft! Seriously, there’s some funny shit in that series, and I can see why people won’t shut up about it.

As good as the show is, there’s still the problem of my binge-watching. I should be getting things done, such as writing comics, or perhaps selling my dog to a cosmetic testing facility. Of course, rather than take responsibility for my life, I’m going to blame corporations because of their blatant disregard for my personal weaknesses.

Maybe this Christmas I should ask Santa for another 75″ 4K TV so I can binge watch 2 series at the same time!

Binge responsibly.


Kudos

Now that you’re done re-watching TV shows you’d never admit you watched in the first place, keep stopping by for new jokes submitted by people like George and Glenn! You can even add to the fun by leaving a joke on our submission page or by emailing me at flush2x@gmail.com!

“Stay curious, stay weird, stay kind and don’t let anyone ever tell you you aren’t smart or brave or worthy enough.” ― Alex Hirsch

Pax,

-f2x