Embarrassing Patients

A man approached the receptionist desk at the urology clinic.

A somewhat large and imposing nurse asked for his name and date of birth, then in a very loud voice she said, “I have you scheduled here to see the doctor about your erectile dysfunction. Is that correct?”

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped to look at the very embarrassed man.

In an equally loud voice the man replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the doctor that did yours!”

The Best Son

A group of Catholic women were bragging about their sons over coffee.

The first one started, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second women chimed in with, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third woman smugly announced, “Not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth woman sipped her coffee in silence while the first three women stared at her expectantly. After a moment, she carefully set down her cup and mentioned, “My son is a hard-bodied male stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘My God’.”

Matchmaker

Dissatisfied with online dating, an older woman visited a local matchmaker.

To get some idea of what the woman was looking for, the matchmaker asked, “So what requirements do you have for a potential mate?”

The woman thought about it for a moment and said, “Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to keep me company for the whole day at home. Tells me interesting stories when I need conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

“I see,” remarked the matchmaker. “You need a television.”

Party Aftermath

Henry awoke the day after an office party with a splitting headache and a horrible case of cotton-mouth

Completely unable to recall the events of the night before, he made his way downstairs where his wife was making breakfast.

“What happened last night, Olivia?” moaned Henry. “Was it as bad as I think it was?”

“Worse,” scorned his wife. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors, and insulted the CEO right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole anyway!” Henry snorted. “Piss on him!”

“You did,” Olivia explained, “and then he fired you.”

“Oh bloody hell!” Henry scoffed. “Fuck that guy!”

“I did,” Olivia replied. “You start back to work on Monday.”

Patient Concerns

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation was harmful.

“Not usually,” answered the doctor. “Not unless you do it too often.”

“How about three times a day?” the patient asked.

“That seems a little excessive,” the doctor muttered. “Why don’t you get a girlfriend?”

“I already have a girlfriend,” the patient replied.

“I meant a girl you can live with and have sex with.” explained the doctor.

The patient replied, “I got one just like that!”

Puzzled, the doctor asked, “Then why do you masturbate three times a day?”

The patient explained, “Because she won’t have sex during mealtime!”