For the past several weeks I’d been dealing with this painful lump in my throat that made it hurt to swallow. I knew it was either strep or cancer. The good news is, it doesn’t appear to be cancer, but it has taken a couple different rounds of antibiotics to knock this shit out of me.
My lymph nodes are still sore, so I’ve been trying to get as much rest as possible. Not that simple when work keeps piling up at my job, but what else can you do?
I am getting better though.
Even Glenn’s not sending me much in the way of jokes this week. It’s not like anyone really reads these jokes anymore. I’ll just start posting the latest Dow Jones reports. Got a joke? I’d love to hear it. Head over to the submission page and type it in for me! You can also email it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“My sore throats are always worse than anyone’s.” ― Jane Austen
Something I’ve been keeping a low key on was an ongoing sore throat. I figured it would eventually go away, but then it got hard to swallow. As of right now, my throat still hurts, but I’m finally on antibiotics. Let’s hope I can be rid of this in the next few days.
So why did I let it go on for so long? Partially because I was needed badly at work, and also because you couldn’t get in to see a doctor face to face because of the whole Covid19 hype. After the first of the month, a few places started opening back up. I was able to get in to see someone to swab my throat, confirm it was strep, and prescribe the antibiotics.
Of course now they’ve added “sore throat” to the list of symptoms for Covid19, but a month ago they were telling us that it wasn’t a symptom. Next month they are probably going to tell us that “blue eyes” is a symptom of Covid19. No wonder the nut jobs think this is a hoax.
When one side starts to get paranoid and the other side gets frustrated and annoyed, good things never happen.
George keeps sending “inspirational” emails, so we are still relying on Glenn for the jokes. Maybe you should try getting off your lazy ass and help by sending jokes to my submission page or drop me a laugh or two off at my email@example.com email address.
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” ― Aesop
It feels like most of the internet is whining about how hard it is living under the “stay at home” orders. I must concede that much of the content currently being produced by creators following the self-isolation rules has suffered in quality. Since I tend to use the internet for entertainment purposes, that actually does have a negative impact on my daily life.
Here’s the thing: I go to work in a factory where I make things, and some of them are medical, and medical is essential, so the factory is up and running as usual, save for the ubiquitous face masks that are unpleasant to wear.
After work, I make my way back home, stopping along the way if I need groceries or whatnot. Sometimes I go through a drive thru for dinner, but most of the time I fix my own meals at home. Normally I would never actually go out to eat inside of a restaurant unless family or friends had planned a “thing”.
Once I’m home, I’m generally home for the night. I might do yard work, or I may even have to go out for some must-have that I didn’t pick up on my way home from work. On the rare occasion when I don’t feel like shit and the weather is nice, I might actually take the dog for a walk.
So for me, nothing has changed! Nothing save for the fact that I have to listen to everyone else endlessly whine about how their lives have been upturned by social distancing. Bitch, please! Your “social distancing” is my default setting. I actually kind of like it when people stay the fuck away from me.
The one thing I feel shortchanged on is the fact that I still have to go to work. I’d love to be laid off, sucking down unemployment, and getting paid an extra $600 a week to stay home! This is horseshit! I’m busting my ass working overtime for less money than I would if I had been laid off!
To make matters worse, if I do get sick, my employer won’t provide sick pay, I won’t be allowed to work, and I still won’t get unemployment. I’m just fucked all the way around.
So I wish I had your “cabin fever” problem right now. I’m still having to struggle every fucking day of my life while the rest of you hootenannies are carrying on like your humanity is being abused!
You can all go to fucking hell already!
So last week you might have noticed that more of the the jokes came from Glenn rather than George. That’s because George hasn’t actually been sending me jokes lately. He’s doing OK though. If the mood overcomes you, our submission page awaits your generous offerings. My e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org) is also at your disposal.
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ― Aristotle
When I first started Flush Twice back in 2003, I was hosting the site on a very simple web server in my basement. Because my internet connection was a dynamic IP address, I had to use a rapid DNS updater. This was a manual process that I had to go through whenever my IP address changed. Typically, my IP address changed on a random day every other week or so. I also hand coded the HTML, and manually updated the pages via FTP every single day.
As some of my long time visitors might recall, in 2005 I ran away from home and joined the circus. (Actually, it was the Army, but same concept.) Since I was no longer at home, I was not able to keep updating the DNS server. Flush Twice quickly went offline, but a couple months later I shelled out the money for a web hosting provider. Now the site would reliably remain online without my constant hovering, but the pages still had to be manually updated.
My original web server in the basement didn’t support PHP or MySQL, but now that I was paying a web host for my server needs, I felt it was time to make use of the added benefits. That is why in 2008, I installed Movable Type to my site. That lasted only a few months before I switched it over to WordPress, and that’s how I finally entered into the world of “Content Management Systems”.
The stock install was not very attractive, so to make WordPress look better I had to install a theme. I honestly don’t remember the name of it, but I really liked the way the sidebar overlaid on the header. I really miss that detail. That theme got an update, which kind of broke a few things, then something else went wrong with it, and finally the author abandoned it. Long story short, I had to switch to a new theme.
Another feature of WordPress is the plethora of plugins. These are “extra features” written by independent programmers to add more functionality to WordPress. I think I originally started out with about 4 or 5 plugins, but today I have about 32. Things like posts in the sidebar? That’s a plugin. The submission page that no one uses? That’s a plugin. Lazy loading images (images don’t actually download till you scroll down the page to where they would be visible) is a plugin.
Most of the plugins are more for back-end stuff. There’s a backup and migration plugin, an XML sitemap plugin, a plugin to clean up the database, a plugin to prevent brute force attacks, and a plugin to remove the privacy invading Google fonts that WordPress insists on using. Heck there’s even a plugin to automatically update the plugins when updates are available… And that’s where things get dicey.
So every now and again, an author of a plugin sees dollar signs. The plugin updates, and now the latest version is… something else. The plugin becomes bloated and intrusive. It has slick, eye-catching graphics that persist on all the admin screens, and encourages you to upgrade to their “Pro” package, and install their “other” plugins. It also comes with new terms and conditions that feel a little invasive as well.
Of course I don’t frivolously install plugins, so when a plugin goes rogue like that, it really hurts. There’s a trust violation. The scary truth no one talks about is that the author could upload something outright malicious, so when they upload something vaguely “spammish”, you really want that shit off your site ASAP.
Fortunately in this instance, I had a backup of the offending plugin. I was able to delete the bloatware and upload an older version from before it all went pear-shaped. I then had to tell the auto-updater not to update that hot mess.
Unlike the various star rating plugins, this is an essential back-end component, and there is no immediate substitute. It does look as though the backup is of a manageable size, so one option is to go through every file and gut the all references to original author from the plugin. It ain’t easy, but I have done this before.
In the meantime I have to look at that ugly red circle notification whenever I log in, taunting me that there’s an update available… An update that is toxic and would poison my site.
OK, so we have reached the point where I say thanks to Glenn and George because they email jokes to me, and then I beg for viewers like you to visit our submission page and drop off a joke or two. You could also email jokes to me at email@example.com.
“Coding, like poetry, should be short and concise.” ― Santosh Kalwar
About ten years ago, I started vaping in an attempt to quit smoking. It worked, and I no longer smoke. I still occasionally vape, and I make my own juice.
See back in the day, they really only had flavors that tried to mimic tobacco. They also had some minty flavors and some fruity flavors that were nothing like what people have access to today. The fruit flavors back then were very mild, and were also accompanied by those so called “tobacco” flavors. Granted, vaping was still very new at the time, but it was disappointing even back then.
OK, so along the way I heard about making your own e-liquid. It was cheaper and tastier than the pre-made juices. I had bought a bunch of LorAnn flavorings and went to work crafting the greatest e-liquid the world had ever seen!
Actually, my e-liquid that I settled on is a flavorless mix of PG and VG with an absurdly low 1mg/ml of nicotine. It’s tasteless, odorless, and has a mild throat hit… But I digress.
Citrus zest, coriander, cinnamon, and nutmeg. These are the primary ingredients to make a popular flavor known as “Cola”. There are a myriad of flavor possibilities out there. Go down any grocery aisle, and you will find dozens of soda pop flavors, but they only scratch the tip of the iceberg. There are soda flavors out there that you have likely never even heard of!
So I bought a “SodaStream Fizzi” at Target the other day, and now I’ve been playing around with trying to come up with the greatest soft drink the world has ever seen! Of course most of the stuff I’m making is totally gross. Carbonated carrot is hardly a winner, but it’s something fun to do while I wait for the world to end.
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.