Marcus got a job at the Post Office sorting the mail. He separated the letters so fast that his motions were practically a blur.
At the end of his first day the supervisor remarked, “I just want you to know, you are one of the fastest workers we’ve ever had!”
“Thank you, Sir,” beamed Marcus, “and tomorrow I’m going to do even better!”
“Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do any better than you did today?”
Marcus explained, “Tomorrow I’m going to actually read the addresses.”
A defendant was found in contempt of court and fined $200 for calling the judge a pig.
Following the charge, the defendant asked the judge, “Does this mean I cannot call a judge a pig?”
The judge sternly rebuked, “It absolutely means you may not call a judge a pig!”
“Well, can I call a pig a judge then?” asked the man.
Humoring the man, the judge replied, “I see no harm in calling a pig a judge, if you so choose.”
The man gave a wry smirk as he said, “Good day, Judge.”
Two college buddies ran into each other after many years. It turned out, one of them had actually had quite a bit of financial success, and his pal asked him how he did it.
“Well, you might think this sounds corny, but after graduation, I found God,” explained the former classmate. “After praying for guidance I opened the Bible at random, dropped my finger on a word, and the word was “oil”. Well, I invested in oil, and those oil wells gushed! A few years later I dropped my finger on another word and it was “gold”, so I invested in gold and the price soared!”
The friend was so impressed that he rushed home, grabbed his dusty old Bible off the book shelf, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes to see where his finger rested:
A little girl was sitting on her grandpa’s lap studying the wrinkles on his old but kindly face. She gently ran her fingers over the wrinkles before touching her own face.
With a look of wonder and puzzlement, the granddaughter asked, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, but that was a long time ago,” replied her smiling grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asked the girl.
“Yes, He did. About 5 years ago in fact,” answered her grandpa.
“Boy,” marveled the little girl, “He sure is doing a much better job these days, isn’t He?”
After years of scrimping and saving, Harold told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for back in 1999.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said Harold sadly, “a 1999 Cadillac.”