A new mosquito eliminator just came out on the market that promises to effectively kill 98% of all mosquitoes. It comes as a kit with a bowl of salt, a bowl of tequila, a banana peel, and a rock.
So the idea is, you set out the four objects next to each other. The mosquito will see the salt and think it is sugar. It will fly down and lick the salt making the mosquito thirsty. Then it will see the tequila and think it is water so it will drink the tequila and get drunk. As the mosquito stumbles away, it will slip on the banana peel, fall, and smash its head on the rock.
The mosquito will then die of CoVid 19.
The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.
They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.
Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear’s sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.
Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.
A little girl asks her father: “Daddy, what is corruption?”
— Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.
— But mommy said you should stop drinking!
— Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
— Oh, okay!
(just saw this on Reddit and figured you’d probably like it. — The Oldest Rater)
Now that I’m back, I thought I’d dig out one from the original archive that made me laugh so hard I almost shit myself:
Sent: Thursday, June 19, 2003 9:05 AM
Cc: 'firstname.lastname@example.org'; 'email@example.com'
Subject: Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter
Dear Carb Solutions,
I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road. I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim... err, uhhh... "dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous. This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference. It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me.
Soon to be your competitor...
After leaving the racetrack Roy bumped into his old friend Marty on the bus.
“You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened?” asked Roy. “Tell me- what’s today’s date?”
“July seventh,” Marty replied.
“Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month,” Roy began to explain. “I went to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.”
“Let me guess,” Marty interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.”
“And he won?” asked Marty with anticipation.
“No,” replied Roy. “He came in seventh.”