The Weekly Raffle

Frank, Lou, and Barney were enjoying a few quiet drinks at the bar, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They each bought a ticket, and when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Frank won a toaster, Lou won a tea kettle, and Barney won a toilet brush.

When they met in the bar the next day, Barney asked the other two how they liked their prizes.

“Great,” said Frank. “Mine makes perfect toast.”

“I like mine too,” said Lou of his tea kettle.

Frank then asked, “And how’s the toilet brush, Barney?”

“Not so good,” said Barney. “I reckon I’ll go back to wiping with tissue.”

Stabbing Pains

Shawn was on the phone with his ex-wife Margery. Somehow their conversation drifted from child custody issues to aches and pains.

Margery asked, “Well do you ever get a shooting pain in your neck as if someone were stabbing a voodoo doll with a long sharp pin?”

“No, not really,” he replied.

There was a brief pause before Margery asked, “How about now?”

Luggage Problems

A flight attendant watched a passenger trying to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. It seemed obvious that he should have checked his over-sized luggage.

Irritated, the man snorted, “I don’t have this problem when I fly other airlines.”

The flight attendant smiled, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

To Say Grace

Karen invited some friends to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say grace?”

The little girl fumbled a bit and said, “I wouldn’t know what to say, Mommy.”

“Just say a prayer that you’ve heard me say before,” said the mother.

The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

First Aid Fun

“You’re late!” sneered the manager to his blonde secretary.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking to work down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first aid course.”

“What did you do?” asked the manager.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”