Helicopter Ride

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.
The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”
Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

Husband and Wife Correspondence

To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:
We will wake the kids – 54 times
It’s too late – 15 times
I’m too tired – 42 times
It’s too early – 12 times
It’s too hot – 18 times
Pretending to be asleep – 31 times
The neighbors will hear – 9 times
Headache or backache – 26 times
Sunburn – 10 times
Your mother will hear us – 9 times
Not in the mood – 21 times
Watching the late show – 17 times
Too sore – 26 times
New hairdo – 6 times
Wrong time of the month – 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
———————————————-
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times
Did not come home at all – 36 times
Did not come – 21 times
Came too soon – 38 times
Went soft before you got it in – 19 times
Cramps in your leg – 16 times
Working too late – 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”🙂

Black Eye at the Bar

Guy walks in a bar with a black eye and sits down.

The barman says “That looks nasty, what happened”?

The man says” My wife complained that we don’t make love like they do in the movies, so I ripped her clothes off and bent her over the sink. Then I fucked her hard while spanking her and then pulled out, spat on my dick and stuck it in her ass. I then threw her on the floor and came on her face and tits”.

The barman said ” Wow, that sounds amazing, but why the black eye”?

“Well, it turns out we don’t watch the same movies”.

Three Wishes for Three Friends

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish. The first guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

The second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

The third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

The first guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him anymore.

The second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

The third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

The first guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

The second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”

Life in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he’s wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.

The Devil: Why so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.

The Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here… Do you drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

The Devil: Well you are gonna love Mondys.. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer…we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn’t matter because you are already dead!

Guy: That sounds great.

The Devil: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes.

The Devil: You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer – who cares! You’re already dead!

Guy: Wow!

The Devil: Do you gamble?

Guy: I do.

The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want…blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever… If you lose your shirt…who cares!

Guy: Amazing!

The Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: You don’t mean…

The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to all the drugs that you want! Who cares… you’re dead!

Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!

The Devil: By any chance are you gay?

Guy: No.

The Devil: Ooooh – you’re gonna hate Fridays.