Duck Tales

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.” 🤣🤣

Teacher

One day in class the teacher walked to the black board and noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding none that looked guilty, she quickly erased it and began her class.
The next day she entered the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word “penis” on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher quickly erased it again and proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, written larger than the previous day.
Finally, one day, she walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrawled in its place:
“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.🤣🤣

Boy, I Had it Tough!

“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”

“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.

“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”

Phone call

“Hello?” said the young girl over the phone.

A man calling home from work said, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul,” replied the young girl.

After a brief pause, the man said, “But honey you don’t have an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do,” said the girl. “He’s upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

There was a brief pause. “Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down run upstairs knock on the door shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled up.”

“Ok daddy just a min.”

A few min later the little girl came back to the phone. “I did it daddy.”

“And what happened honey?”

“Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser now she isn’t movin at all!”

“Oh no! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn’t know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it I think hes dead!”

After a long pause the man said, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?”

The little girl replied, “No I think you have the wrong number.”