Scientists wanted to do an experiment to breed humans with chimpanzees, but they couldn’t find anyone willing to mate with a chimpanzee.
Desperate they went to the lab janitor and asked, “For $1000, would you have sex with one of our chimps?”
The Janitor thought it over and agreed, but he had 3 conditions.
“First, I don’t want to kiss the chimp, because they all have bad breath. Second, I don’t want anyone to know about it, and no cameras recording of the event.”
The scientists agreed to the first two demands and asked what the third demand was.
“You’re gonna have to give me some time to come up with the $1000, since I don’t have it right now.”
– Ripped from Reddit
A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.
In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.
The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.
A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquility, without saying a word, lowers the boy’s pants and squeezes his testicles.
The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquility returns to his table without a word.
Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son’s life.
She asks, “Sir, are you a doctor..?”
“No, ma’am,” comes the reply. “I’m an Assistant Commissioner of Income Tax”
“We are trained to squeeze everyone’s balls to make them cough up the last penny.
The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius! The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking up his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.’
My girlfriend’s dog just died so I went out and got an identical one for her.
She went fucking crazy.
She said, “What the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
-shamelessly stolen from reddit