Talking Centipede

A man buys a talking centipede for $5000, and takes it home in a small box.

After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says “Would you like to go for a pint?”.

Silence; the centipede doesn’t answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats his question, but still no reply.

Becoming agitated, and starting to think he has been conned, he leans forward and loudly shouts the question into the box.

The centipede sticks his head out of the box and angrily shouts back at the man; “I heard you the first time you impatient bastard, I’m putting on my fucking shoes.”

Getting Women to Like You

a man was in a party with his friend barney

he asked his friend: “how do you get women to like you so much?”

barney replied: “i have a trick, every time i meet them i squeeze them on the butt, it has some kind of pavlovian effect or something but it always works”

the man then went home, him and his wife haven’t had sex for a couple of months now so he thought he should try this trick.

his wife was in the kitchen, he approached her from behind and squeezed her ass

his wife replied: “oh barney is that you?”

You’ve Been on a Good Date When…

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, “You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.”

The second one said, “No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.”

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. “Now THAT’S a good date!”

Many Mansions

A wealthy man died and went to heaven.

He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack. “This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Deceitful Diversion

Friday night, Patrick went to his friend Paddy and said

“Paddy, I need a favor – I’m sleeping with the bartender’s wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?”

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Patrick was a lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, “Paddy, what are you really up to with all this?”

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, “I’m sorry…. my friend Patrick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy`s shoulder, said *”I think you’d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.”