Bull Purchase

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from*a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly…

Interesting Sights

Little Johnnie’s teacher asks three class if they saw anything interesting on the way to school.

Little Susie said she saw a fluffy dog.

Little Billy said he say a train.

Little Johnny said he saw a “flat” dog.

“Oh” said the teacher. “That’s terrible! Was he run over?”

“No” said little Johnny.

“Well how do you know he was flat?”

Replied little Johnny “well he must have been! There was another dog PUMPING him up”

Susie asks Johnny a Question

Little Johnny and little Susie were in the playground at recess. Susies says to Johnny that she heard the older kids talking and heard the word penis. So she asks Johnny what a penis was. Johnny says he doesn’t know but that he will ask his dad when he gets home. So Johnny gets home, goes upstairs just as his dad gets out of the shower with a towel wrapped around himself. Johnny asks his dad, “whats a penis”? His dad hems and haws but then says, “well I guess your old enough”, then drops his towel and says, Johnny thats a penis and might I add its a perfect penis. The next day at school Johhny grabs Sussie’s hand and takes her behind the school, drops his pants and says, ” Susie, thats a penis and if it was 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.

The Ladies’ Room

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”


Retirement Bonus

The Army found they had too many Officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any Officer who volunteered for Retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first Officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000…

The second Officer who it was accepted was a little smarter, asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old WO2 who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles.’

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Company Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The MO arrived and instructed the CSM to drop ’em,’ which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the CSM’s penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘where are your testicles?’

The CSM calmly replied, ‘On the beach in The Falkland Islands.’