The Golfer’s Girlfriend

An avid golfer had never gotten to know a female well enough to have a steady relationship. As the years went by, he realized he’d probably never get married, since he sure wasn’t giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very fond of each other. He kept asking himself: “Is this the one?”

One evening at a restaurant, he opened up to her. “As you have probably figured out, I’ve grown very fond of you, and have started to think about a future together”

She interrupted to say “I have been feeling the same was about us.”

He smiled at her and continued: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?”

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course just about every day, every holiday, just every chance I get. I try to play 36 holes each day, but if the weather is good, I’ll try to pay even more.”

He finished with: “I thought you should know before we go any further.”

She pondered this for a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, “I’m a hooker.”

There is a long pause, and her heart was sinking with every second of protracted silence.

She watched him fidget with his hands, and still there is silence. She began to despair.

Finally, he picks his head and looks right at her: “That’s not really a problem. Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

Pets Passing

A German Shepherd, Labrador retriever and a cat died and went to heaven. All three sat before God who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German shepherd said, “I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master.”

Good,” said God. “Then sit down on my right side. Labrador, what do you believe in?

The Labrador answered, “I believe in the love, care and comforting of my master.

“Ah,” said God. “You may sit to my left.”

Then he looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

The cat answered, “I believe you’re sitting on my seat.”

No Stop Sunday

A man on a train gets up and moves to the doors. A conductor notices and says “Sorry sir, this train doesn’t stop at the next station on a Sunday night.” Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says “It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like.”

So as the train slows down the conductor takes hold of the mans coat collar and lifts him out over the platform, “Start running in the air so you don’t fall over as you touch the ground.”

The man starts running in the air as the conductor lowers him and he has so much momentum as he hits the platform that he runs past his carriage and comes alongside the next one, the door of that carriage opens and a passenger reaches out, grabs his coat collar and lifts him inside, slamming the door, saying “You’re lucky there mate, this train doesn’t stop here on a Sunday night.”

Psychiatric Rounds

A psychiatrist was doing his rounds in a mental hospital.

In the first room he saw a patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asked the patient what he was doing.

The patient said, “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player.”

The doctor remarked that was a good goal to have and moved to the second room where he saw a patient standing on his bed swinging an imaginary golf club.

The doctors asked him what he was doing and the patient replied, “I’m not going to be here forever. When I get better I want to be a golfer.”

The doctor said that it is good to have goals and moved on to the third room where he saw the patient standing on his bed pouring a bowl of cashews down his pants while performing pelvic thrusts.

The doctor asked, “hat the hell are you doing?”

The patient responded, “I’m never getting out of here! I’m fucking nuts!”