Holy Condoms

Marv always brought along several condoms when travelling to sites of religious significance. He would then discreetly rub the condoms against artifacts of faith.

Bob, his traveling companion and friend, having witnessed him do this at several major Judeo-Christian sites, asked, “Marv why do you keep doing that. It’s embarrassing! What if you get caught?”

Marv explained, “By blessing these condoms on these artifacts, I can honestly tell any woman I go to bed with that I’ll be able to fuck the hell out of her.”

The Lost Bible

A priest lost his favorite Bible after conducting a graveside funeral service. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The priest couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the dog’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the dog. “Your name was written inside of the cover.”

The Undergraduate’s Death

It was a brisk spring morning when an undergraduate bumped into his former teacher. “Good morning, Professor Milsap!” said the young lad.

“Do I know you?” replied the teacher.

“It’s me, Robbie Gorton. I was in your class last semester,” explained the student.

“Can’t be!” snorted the professor. “Robbie Gorton is dead!”

“I can assure you, I’m very much alive,” smiled the student.

“Impossible,” said the professor. “I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”

The Blind Date

Paul went on a blind date with Wilma.

To break the ice, Wilma mentioned, “I absolutely love animals.”

“That’s fascinating,” remarked Paul. “I happen to work with animals every day.”

“That’s so sweet,” sighed Wilma. “Tell me what you do!”

With a proud smile Paul informed her, “I’m a butcher!”

Intersection Incident

The light turned yellow, and the driver did the right thing, stopping before the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection

A tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection while dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”