Train Wreck Hotel

A man brought his wife along on a business trip to Chicago. They arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room.

The man said, “Dear, I have a brief meeting to go to. Why don’t you rest here until I get back?”

After the husband left the room, the wife lied down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passed by the window and shook the room so hard, she was thrown from the bed. Thinking this was a freak occurrence, she lied down once more. Again a passing train shook the room so violently, she was thrown to the floor.

Exasperated, she called the front desk and asked for the manager. The manager came right up but was skeptical of the wife’s story.

“Look, lie here on the bed,” the wife directed. “You’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So the manager laid down next to the wife.

Without warning, the husband walked into the room. “What the hell is going on here?” he demanded in an angry tone.

The manager meekly replied, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

Virility

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team.”

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.”

To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”

A Sad Realization

A man was sitting at the bar, staring into his untouched beer.

The bartender walked over and asked “What’s the problem, pal?”

With a heavy sigh, the man explained, “My brother just told me that there’s a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $50 for a donation.”

“Yeah, so?” asked the bartender.

“Don’t you see?” the man cried. “I’ve let a fortune slip through my fingers!”

A Fool Proof Plan

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They devised a fool proof plan and put their plan into action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the bank and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car. Finally, the blonde burst out of the bank, with the alarm blaring. Behind her, the blonde was lugging a safe with a rope tied around it.

The security guard ran out of the bank with his pants down around his ankles as he attempted to pull out his gun.

The blonde tried to put the safe in the car but gave up and left it behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut as the car sped away.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?”

The blonde blurted out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”

The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”

The Innocence of Youth

An old farmer was getting concerned that his three daughters might not be as innocent as he raised them to be.

He was very concerned with how much they already knew about sex, so he decided to find out.

The farmer brought his 16-year-old daughter into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said “Do you know what this is?”

“Yes, daddy,” said the young lady. “That’s a penis.”

The farmer exploded! He couldn’t believe it! “You’re grounded for a year!” he exclaimed, “and you’re going to read the Bible every day!”

He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. “Do you know what this is?”

“Yes, daddy,” said the child. “It’s a penis”

Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance for the next four years!

Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked, “Do you know what this is?”

“No, daddy, I don’t.”

“What a good girl! I’m very proud of you! I’m going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis.”

The girl laughed and said, “You call THAT a penis?!”