As a the date of the solar eclipse approached, the director of a local planetarium published a warning in the local newspaper about the eclipse, and warned the community not to look directly into the sun.
The newspaper then received an indignant letter from a local resident. “If an eclipse is so dangerous,” she reasoned, “they should never have decided to hold one in the first place and ought to cancel it!”
A couple was sitting in the living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife remarked, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asked the husband.
“It’s me,” replied the wife. “I was talking to the wine.”
At the Parent-Teacher conference, the discussion focused on little Billy’s low grades.
“As Billy’s teacher,” Mrs. Crabtree began, “I can assure you that I’ve done everything to encourage the boy to learn the material. He simply lacks the capacity to learn along side the other students.”
“This is terrible news that you’re telling us,” cried Billy’s mother. “Surely there must be something positive you can tell us about our boy.”
“I can only think of one thing,” sighed the teacher. “With grades like this, he’s obviously not cheating.”
Jeff was a philandering womanizer who habitually ran around on his wife.
One of his coworkers called him out on it and said, “Jeff, how can you live with yourself, the way you run around cheating on poor Susan? Doesn’t it bother your conscience at all?”
A look of concerned remorse befell upon Jeff’s face as he considered the callousness of his actions. He then said, “Yes, it bothers me for a while, but when I don’t hear from their lawyers, I don’t feel so bad anymore.”
Two rednecks decided to go skydiving. The first one jumped out of the plane, and pulled the cord. After the chute deployed, he slowly drifted down while enjoying the view.
A moment later the plan circled back and his buddy jumped out. He pulled the cord, but nothing happened. He pulled the reserve, but still nothing! Now in free fall, he passed his buddy like a speeding bullet.
Seeing this, the first redneck frantically started to unbuckle his parachute, yelling, “So you wanna race, do you?!”