Tech Support

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius! The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

—Big D

Coming Home Drunk

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking up his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.’

—T.O.R.

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas.

One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab and drove away.

A week later, he came back for a fill up. Again, he got out of the car with the umbrella and opened it, but this time he just stood there watching me work. I asked, “So you’re not gonna use that to keep the sun off me this time?” and he retorted, “Watch it, young man. Fuel me once, shade on you. Fuel me twice, shade on me!”

— T.O.R.

A reporter is doing a piece on how Uk farmers release sexual frustration

A reporter is doing a piece on how Uk farmers release sexual frustration .

He starts in Scotland. He goes to the first farm and asks the farmer. “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

The farmer replies “I fuck one of my sheep. Their pussy is very like a woman’s.”

Reporter :- “And do you have a special technique?”

Farmer :- “Sure! I lead them to the dyke, put the back legs in mee wellies and the front legs over the dyke then take it from behind.”

The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to Wales

Again he asks the farmer “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

The farmer replies “I fuck one of my sheep.”

The reporter asks what his technique is and the farmer replies. “I lead them to the fence, I put the back legs in mah wellies and the front legs over the fence then take I fuck it from behind.”

Again The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to England.

The same first question is asked and the farmer also replies that he fucks his sheep

The reporter asks what his technique is and is told. “I lead them to the field’s gate, put the back legs in my wellingtons and the front legs over the gate , I can then take it from behind.”

Again The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to Ireland and the conversation goes like this

Reporter:- “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

Farmer:- “To be sure, I fuck one of my sheep I do.”

Reporter:- “And what is your favourite technique?”

Farmer:- “Well I gets the sheep and ah pit it’s back legs in ma bitts an’ the front legs owner ma shudders then I fuck it.

Reporter: “Wow! That’s really interesting, farmers in Scotland, Wales and England all say they put the front legs over a wall, fence or gate.”

“WHAT???” Says the farmer. “Nae kissin’ ??”

— T.O.R.