Artful Advertising

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read “BEST DEALS”.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading “LOWEST PRICES”.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, “MAIN ENTRANCE”.

The Pretzel Hold

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘Pretzel’ hold he has, whatever you do don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered,”well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his crotch right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

“So, the trainer exclaimed, ‘that is what finished him off?!”

“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk.”

Proud Little Player

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.

“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”

“Really? How’d you do that?”

“I dropped the ball.”

Educating Acronyms

After holding out for many years, Charlie’s mother finally got a smart phone. It didn’t take her long to figure out how to text, and within a few days he received a text from his mother that read: “What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”

He quickly tapped out the reply, “I don’t know, love you, & talk to you later.”

After a brief pause his mom sent, “Okay, I will ask your sister.”

Sleep Disorder

“I can’t get a good nights sleep!” cried the patient. “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody, or some thing, under it. I feel like I’m going crazy!”

“It would seem you are suffering from a form of clinophobia,” remarked the psychiatrist. “It will take some time, but after three sessions a week for ten weeks, I can cure you of this fear.”

“How much is this going to cost me?”

“Two hundred dollars per visit.”

After doing a mental calculation in his head, the patient said, “I’ll have to think this one over.”

Six months later the psychiatrist bumped into the man on the street and said, “You never came to see me again. Has your condition improved on its own?”

“After I realized your services would cost me $6000, I felt like I needed a drink,” explained the man. “After a couple of stiff rounds, my bartender cured me for less than twenty bucks!”

“Really? How is that so?” asked the doctor.

“He told me to cut the legs off my bed!”