Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way that I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both breasts. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps – I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my fist. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Shopping Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a vasectomy.

– T.O.R.

A feminist rock band decided they wanted to put a woman’s clitoris on their album cover

They got an artist to make a painting of a woman’s clit and put it on the album. To their surprise, the album was released but they waited.

As expected, they got a call from the record company screaming, “This cover is a disaster! We’re getting flooded with complaints!”

The lead singer said, “Why? From old ladies who complained about seeing a natural part of a woman’s body?”

“No, from guys who say they can’t find the album!”

— T.O.R.

A Smooth Talking Canadian

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persisted and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he’d ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?
Canada Sir, the boy replied.
Well, why did you leave Canada, the manager asked.
The boy said Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.
Really, said the manager. My wife is from Canada.
‘No shit’ replied the boy. Who’d she play for?

Little Johnny’s tale of woe

Teacher: What’s wrong?

Little Johnny: Our house is very small. Me, my mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, ‘Little Johnny are you sleeping?’ Then I say No and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye”

Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don’t answer.

The following morning Little Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?

Little Johnny: Dad asked me again, Little Johnny are you sleeping? And I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing very heavy, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are you coming? Mum said, Yes I’m coming, are you coming too? Dad answered, yes. They don’t usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I’m coming too!

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had a stick. Susie’s father stated “you have a garage and Johnny is just a sports car trying to park. Don’t let him park in your garage!”

So a few days pass and sure enough, Johnny and Susie are playing naked again — when Johnny proudly stands up and says “Susie, let me park my Ferrari in your garage”, to which she refuses. Johnny continues to insist on parking his Ferrari until Susie has had enough and goes home.

When Susie gets home, her mother asks “Susie… what’s all that red stuff on your hands?” To which Susie replied:

“Johnny tried to park his Ferrari in my garage, so I ripped the back wheels off”

– The Oldet Rater, and happy birthday whenever it is.

Shamelessly stolen from Reddit because I don’t remember seeing it before.