One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!”
One morning a local highway construction crew reached their job site and realized they didn’t have any shovels.
The crew’s foreman called the office and told his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor assured the foreman, “Don’t worry, we’re sending out the shovels now, but the workers will have to stand around and lean on each other until they arrive.”
A man walked into his doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose.
The man had a worried look on his face and asked, “Doctor what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor briefly examined the man and concluded, “You’re not eating properly!”
A stingy old man was on his deathbed. Before he died, he was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, he devised a scheme to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
After the funeral, the deceased’s wife went up in the attic. Coming upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash she sighed, “That damned fool should have had me put the money in the basement.”
In an alley, two roaches were munching in a dumpster when one of them starts talking about a new restaurant.
“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” the roach said to his pal. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere. It’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.”
“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”