The Bar Menu

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger – 2.99
Cheeseburger – 3.99
Chicken Sandwich – 4.99
Hand Jobs – 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” The bartender blushes slightly and says “Yes, I am” with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says “Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger.

The Expensive Prostitute

THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN WINNIPEG AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.
“MAY I HELP YOU SIR?” SHE ASKED. THE MAN REPLIED, “I WANT TO SEE VALERIE.”
“SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE”, SAID THE MADAM.
HE REPLIED, “NO, I MUST SEE VALERIE.” JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.
THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. “THERE ARE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE IS STILL $5000.” AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE , AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.
THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.
AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE SAID TO THE MAN, “NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?” THE MAN REPLIED, ” NEW BRUNSWICK .”
“REALLY, I HAVE FAMILY IN NEW BRUNSWICK .”
“I KNOW.” THE MAN SAID. “YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE.”
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN:
1. DEATH
2. TAXES
3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER

Bubba the Convert

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic….and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass .and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: ‘You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.’

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Things I Wish I Knew Before I Bought My Leaf

So this is by no means a complete list because there are still some things out there I do not know, and things I do not know that I do not know. That being said, I am still thrilled with my Nissan Leaf, but I really wish I had better understood when I bought it.

Battery State of Health is really important, but 30KWh battery packs have an 8 year warranty.

I passed up a really cheap Leaf with a severely degraded battery. It was a 2017 and would have qualified for the free replacement, and since Nissan no longer makes the 30KWh pack, I would have gotten a free 40KWh battery instead.

The Capacity of the Battery in KWh (Kilowatt hours) is King!

Your range is going to be determined by how many Kilowatt hours the battery can hold. You need to know what the car originally came with, and how many Kilowatt hours of storage are left. Sometimes (like on my Leaf) you have to use a Bluetooth OBDII reader and a mobile app and some math to figure it out. Make the effort and DO THIS.

Your Driving Habits and Conditions are Queen!

I actually kind of knew this, but I had no idea just how drastic the range difference can be. Driving down the interstate at 70MPH with the heat on is going to use up the battery more than 3 times faster compared to driving down a country road at 45MPH on a sunny day with the windows down.

Just Leave it in ECO Mode.

At first it was fun zipping in and around traffic, but I have since cooled my jets. Because these types of cars are so quiet and smooth, it can be very easy to turn into a jerk on the road. Put it in ECO mode and drive with the flow of traffic around you.

Pay More Attention to Your Miles per Kilowatt Hour

If you really want to get the most range out of your vehicle, don’t fret over the battery percentage level gauge and ignore the GOM. Watch that Mi/KWh bar. Make it into a game to see how high you can get that bar without driving like an idiot for the conditions you are in.

Unless it Qualifies for a Warranty Replacement, You Will Never Replace Your Battery.

There are a lot of YouTube videos showing electric cars getting replacement batteries and even upgrades. These are in the extreme minority and will never be mainstream. Make sure that the car you are getting has more than enough range for your current driving needs. Your battery capacity WILL degrade over time, and it is simply not practical to replace the battery once the range has dropped below the level that can meet your needs. Your best option will be to get a newer used car.

Certain Problems are Nigh Impossible to Fix

This is a bitter pill for me to swallow, but unless the cause of a problem is something blindingly obvious, do not expect any dealership to be able to figure it out and fix it. The heater in my car STILL has an intermittent problem, and of course it always works fine when I take it into the shop.

EV Haters Will Never Get It (So don’t bother trying.)

Some people will never be OK with EVs. There is no argument you can make that will change their minds. Gasoline could cost $10 per gallon and new battery electric vehicles could be half the price of an internal combustion engine, but they would still try to justify why they think electric cars are a bad idea. {smh} I should have told those guys it was a 3 cylinder that got really good gas mileage.


Kudos

Our submission page remains open for any and all contributors like my good buddy Darin. Thanks old friend!

Pax,

-f2x


Just a quick addendum, I’m still posting these side bars late Sunday / early Monday, so don’t let the post dates fool you.

The Tempting Sister-in-Law to be

I was happy, My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car, My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:
“Always keep your condoms in your car.”