Rural Kentucky Rules

RULES OF RURAL KENTUCKY ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a ‘dirt road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They’re live steaks. That’s why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-64 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $150,000 tractors….
6. So every person in rural Ky waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters, gravy, beans and cornbread. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at local bait shop..
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s religious holiday, always held on the second Saturday of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three seasonings – salt, pepper, and bacon grease. Oh, yeah…. We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat … IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring ‘coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. Yes, we invented Bourbon whiskey, and we are proud of that!!!
15. College and high school football are more important here than the Bengals or the Reds… and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards — it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
19. Two inches of snow isn’t a blizzard – it’s a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON’T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain’t Alaska . Worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The farmers with tractors with blades will have the roads cleared shortly.
A true Kentuckian will send this on!!!
20. By the way…. if you want to talk to God in Kentucky , it’s a local call

Sunday, May 16, 2021

The Pizza Pause

So back when this “Covid” thing started up, certain grocery items disappeared from the store shelves and stayed away longer than I expected. Without going into to much detail, I stopped making my “world famous” pizza, and even when those ingredients were made readily available, I just didn’t feel in the mood.

Well baby, I’m back in the mood again.

Interestingly enough, I’m using the oven from the new range that I bought last summer. I had only used it a couple of times prior, so I’m still working out that “new oven smell”. (And yes, I followed the manufacturers instructions when I got it, and ran it for however many hours on high to burn off the machining oil. I don’t bake in the full size oven all that much, so it still lingers, OK?)

Anyway, the first couple of pies were “pretty good”, but this last pie was almost what I have come to expect from my traditional hand tossed. Quick joke: Pizza is like sex: When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still “pretty good”.

So as some of you might recall from ancient history, I used to deliver for Dominoes and got a fair bit of training in the art of pie making. While I never actually worked that position, I was good enough to take the helm in a pinch. Over the years I learned how to make my own pizza dough from scratch, and as you can plainly see, I can still make a decent looking pie.

So achievement re-unlocked! While good pepperoni is still too damn expensive at the moment, a cheese pizza can be a treat as well. Once you know how to make it, it really isn’t that much work, but it still is a thing of beauty when it comes out of the oven.


Kudos

Sorry I was late getting the this week’s content up. Been real busy. Thanks for all the contributions to the
submission page. It has really helped out.

Pax,

-f2x

Bull Purchase

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from*a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly…
com-for-da-bull.”

Interesting Sights

Little Johnnie’s teacher asks three class if they saw anything interesting on the way to school.

Little Susie said she saw a fluffy dog.

Little Billy said he say a train.

Little Johnny said he saw a “flat” dog.

“Oh” said the teacher. “That’s terrible! Was he run over?”

“No” said little Johnny.

“Well how do you know he was flat?”

Replied little Johnny “well he must have been! There was another dog PUMPING him up”

Susie asks Johnny a Question

Little Johnny and little Susie were in the playground at recess. Susies says to Johnny that she heard the older kids talking and heard the word penis. So she asks Johnny what a penis was. Johnny says he doesn’t know but that he will ask his dad when he gets home. So Johnny gets home, goes upstairs just as his dad gets out of the shower with a towel wrapped around himself. Johnny asks his dad, “whats a penis”? His dad hems and haws but then says, “well I guess your old enough”, then drops his towel and says, Johnny thats a penis and might I add its a perfect penis. The next day at school Johhny grabs Sussie’s hand and takes her behind the school, drops his pants and says, ” Susie, thats a penis and if it was 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.

The Ladies’ Room

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

“MEN NEVER LISTEN”

Retirement Bonus

The Army found they had too many Officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any Officer who volunteered for Retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first Officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000…

The second Officer who it was accepted was a little smarter, asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old WO2 who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles.’

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Company Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The MO arrived and instructed the CSM to drop ’em,’ which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the CSM’s penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘where are your testicles?’

The CSM calmly replied, ‘On the beach in The Falkland Islands.’

The Dial

An older woman goes into the plastic surgeon to have the skin on her face tightened. When she awakens from the procedure she feels a lump at the back of her neck. She asks the doctor what is this about. He responds, “that’s a custom dial that helps keep your skin tight, if you notice your skin sagging, turn the dial a little and it will fix the problem”
She happily goes on her way but just a few months later returns to the doctor for some help with the pimples on her forehead she can’t get to clear up. After close examination the doctor sits back and tells her “lady, those aren’t pimples, they are your nipples, and if you don’t quit turning that dial, before long you are going to have a mustache

Chicken Wire and Duck Tape

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.” Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.” Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.” Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

Sunday, May 9, 2021

The “Other” Child

While I have been giving Gail plenty of attention over the past year and a half, I have not given much if any attention to Alex in this space. Born somewhere around July 15, 2009, Alex is soon to be 12 years old. I got him off Craigslist after my previous cat passed away. The people who were giving him away said that he had been abandoned on their porch. Alex immediately took to his new forever home and soon after learned to come when I called his name.

For almost a decade, Alex has suffered from a kind of bulimia. Whenever I bring it up, the vet repeatedly defaults to the notion that it is hairballs, but hairball remedies do not improve the condition. No, it is more akin to what they call “scarf and barf”. He eats, he barfs, he eats again, he is fine… mostly. I have tried many techniques for dealing with this, but nothing has ever proven to be long term effective.

Recently I have found pureeing his canned cat food in an old mini food processor has halted his bulimic patterns. I fear it might not be enough though. Alex has been very thin and tired looking, with a permanently furrowed brow. There is no nice way to say it. I’m getting that EOL vibe.

Please, God, just let me wrong about this for a change. Alex is a good cat, and honestly I don’t think I’ll be able to get another cat until after Gail is gone. The thing is, I’ve always had a cat around, and I don’t like the idea of not having one. The house would feel too empty.

So let us hope the pureed food turns things around for Alex. Even if he looks like a grumpy old man, I hope he can live another decade or more. In some ways, I even hope he outlives Gail.


Kudos

Did I mention our submission page? It’s still a thing around here, and I count on people like you to put jokes into it. Thanks ever so much. It really means a lot to me.

Pax,

-f2x