Monthly Archives: August 2019

Jeff was a philandering womanizer who habitually ran around on his wife.

One of his coworkers called him out on it and said, “Jeff, how can you live with yourself, the way you run around cheating on poor Susan? Doesn’t it bother your conscience at all?”

A look of concerned remorse befell upon Jeff’s face as he considered the callousness of his actions. He then said, “Yes, it bothers me for a while, but when I don’t hear from their lawyers, I don’t feel so bad anymore.”

Two rednecks decided to go skydiving. The first one jumped out of the plane, and pulled the cord. After the chute deployed, he slowly drifted down while enjoying the view.

A moment later the plan circled back and his buddy jumped out. He pulled the cord, but nothing happened. He pulled the reserve, but still nothing! Now in free fall, he passed his buddy like a speeding bullet.

Seeing this, the first redneck frantically started to unbuckle his parachute, yelling, “So you wanna race, do you?!”

A medical student studying to be a pediatrician was taking an exam. On it was a question that asked, “Name three benefits of breastfeeding over formula.”

The student immediately wrote, “First, it has the ideal nutrition for the infant. Second, breastfeeding provides important antibodies crucial for proper immune development.”

But the student could not think of a third answer.

Finally, he wrote “Thirdly, it comes in very nice containers.”

A man went to the doctor about a troubling condition.

When the doctor came into the room, he asked, “What seems to be the problem?”

The man pulled down his pants to reveal that his penis was an iridescent orange.

Amazed at what he saw, the doctor ran a series of tests, but all the results showed no sign of any known illness.

Desperate for clues, the doctor asked, “Do you work in a place that has exposed you to any chemicals?”

“No, I live with my parents, and I’ve never had a job,” the patient explained.

The doc then asked, “So what do you do all day?”

The man replied, “I sit at home, watch porn, and eat cheetos.”

Dr. Frankenstein sent his faithful assistant, Igor to the brain store. Before him were rows and rows of disembodied brains in specimen jars.

When Igor inquired about the cost, the proprietor explained that the male brains were $500 while the female brains were $200.

“Master would like a male brain for his new creation,” explained Igor.

“Very good,” said the proprietor as he packaged up one of the brains and rang up the sale.

“Before I go,” Igor inquired, “why are the female brains so much cheaper?”

As the owner closed the till, he replied, “Because they’re used.”

A grasshopper hopped into a bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender remarked, “By the way, did you know that there is a drink named after you?”

With a look of surprise the grasshopper replied, “There’s a drink named Floyd?”