Comics
Gail’s Sunday Pic
Sunday, January 7, 2024
It's just so surreal...
Yesterday marked 10 years to the day of my mother's passing. Dad and I went out to dinner to pay homage in her memory. Like the decade before, I never would have dreamed we'd end up where we did.
I still maintain that somewhere along the way, I ended up in the "bad timeline". I'm not saying that things are all that bad, or that I regret my decisions. On the contrary, I'm where I am today in spite of my decisions. No matter what choices I could have made, this is where I was fated to be... and it's so unsatisfying.
On a lighter note
My comic is 20 years old this month! Think about it... 20 years ago I started putting pictures of stick figures up here in an attempt to dress up a rather boring hand coded html page. Seeing how it started and how it turned out is kind of neat. It has certainly gone through some dramatic changes from those original daily panels to my current sporadic offerings. I wish I could have combined the naive wit of my youth with my current "drawing" abilities. I've become far too jaded in my old age and it puts a damper on my creativity.
Of course looking back at some of my early work, I'm not so sure my "wit" was all that great either. The "art" was definitely bad... And now that I'm looking at it, the gags weren't really all that great either, but I was putting out a daily panel rather consistently for a while there.
Yeah, now that I think about it... those old comics sucked. As I'm glancing through them I feel myself cringing in disgust... Wow... Maybe I do have some regrets after all! Oh those wasted hours I spent navel gazing to come up with crap that makes Chis Chan look inspired! Thank god no one is actually reading this shit!
So to wrap it up...
Happy New Year, everybody! I'm really not sure how much stuff I'll add to Flush Twice in '24, but I'll get to it whenever I get the chance. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment down below if there's anything you'd like to see happen over the next 12 months.
Pax,
-f2xGET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!
Monthly Archives: August 2019
The Cross-eyed Dog
A man took his pitbull to the vet and said “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do to help?”
“Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him.”
The vet picked the dog up and took a good look at its eyes.
The vet shook his head and said, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” said the man.
“No,” replied the vet. “It’s because he’s heavy.”
Sick of a Small Town
During a heated quarrel with his parents Marty yelled, “I’m tired of this run down town! I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving, and don’t you try and stop me!”
With that he headed toward the door.
His father got out of his chair and followed the young man.
“Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.”
“Who’s trying to stop you?” replied his father. “I want to go with you.”
The New Partner-in-law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of my organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Birthday Bumble
Jacob was nursing a beer while complaining about how his wife was an ungrateful wench.
The bartender, lending a sympathetic ear, asked what happened.
“It was her birthday, so I bought her a bag and a belt,” explained Jacob. “She said it wasn’t good enough and threw me out!”
“It does seem a bit ungrateful,” remarked the bartender.
“I know, right?!” slurred the man. “It even made her vacuum cleaner run like new again!”
A Promising Relationship
Vinnie had fallen in love with Maggie. Under the influence of his infatuation, he promised her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses.
One day they took a stroll down 5th Avenue. As they walked past a jewelry store, Maggie whispered, “You promised me diamonds.”
Vinnie picked up a brick laying nearby and threw it through the store window. He reached in and grabbed a diamond necklace, which he then put around Maggie’s neck.
As they strolled on, they came upon a fur shop. Maggie cooed, “You promised me furs too.”
Vinnie picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink, and gave it to Maggie.
As they continued their stroll, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Maggie sighed, “I seem to recall you promised me beautiful dresses.”
“What?!” Vinnie protested. “Do you think I’m made out of bricks?”
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Damn You, Costco
I have a serious food addiction right now, and Ohio is just about the worst place on Earth to try to lose weight. I have enough food in the freezer to last half a year, but I’ll be back at the store to stock up again at the end of September. Currently I have around 8 pounds of cheese, over 15 pounds of meats, loads of frozen vegetables, and a pantry so full, there are boxes of staples on top of the cabinets. Did I mention the candy bars?
The thing is, I have to lose weight. It is affecting my ability to freely move. I cannot breath while I am tying my shoes, I practically have to dislocate my shoulder to wipe my ass, and I am no longer feeling sassy. I fear that if I do not do something soon, it may have negative consequences on my ability to do my job.
Of course once you get this far, “eat less and exercise” is not going to work. It is like being so far in debt that you can’t afford the minimum payment due. If I am to win this battle, I am going to need help.
Wish me luck.
Kudos
Glenn is off this week, so it is just George’s jokes and what I could scrounge up from the net. If you like, you could send a joke or two to our submission page. I also take submissions via flush2x@gmail.com.
“Curiosity kills boredom. Nothing can kill curiosity.”
Pax,
-f2x
Going Native
Hot Night at the Ball Game
An older couple went to a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a younger couple in the seats a few rows in front of them.
The young couple was being very affectionate. It started out with his arm around her shoulder, then the young man was whispering in the young woman’s ear. Then they started to kiss each other, and that lead to some steamy heavy petting.
The old man said to his wife, “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.”
“Watch them, Howard!” the old woman advised. “You already know how to play baseball.”
Ugly Baby
A woman boarded the bus with her baby.
Without the slightest bit of filtering, the bus driver remarked, “Lady, that’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen in my life!”
The woman made her way to the rear of the bus and sat down. Still fuming she told the man next to her, “That bus driver just insulted me!”
“That’s disgraceful!” howled the man, “Tell you what, you go up there and tell him off, and I’ll hold your monkey for you till you get back.”