Margery answered the door to find a workman carrying a box of tools.
“Good morning, Ma’am,” said the man as he politely tipped his cap. “I’m here to tune your piano.”
“There must be some mistake,” said Margery. “I never sent for a piano tuner.”
“I know, Ma’am,” came the cheerful reply, “but your neighbors did!”
Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spotted a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth.
Being a longtime fisherman, he knew the best bait for large catfish was toads. In a flash, Bubba grabbed the snake from behind and carefully removed the toad from its mouth and put the toad in his side bag.
Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba took out his bottle of moonshine and carefully placed two drops into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes glazed over and quickly went limp. Bubba let the snake loose in the water and went back to fishing.
A few hours later, Bubba was about to head back home, when he felt something tapping on his leg. He looked down to see what it was, and there was the water moccasin with two frogs in its mouth.
Falling Behind
Lately I have not been keeping up with production around here. In the past I would have the panel ready to go by Friday night, and Sunday’s rant would be finalized by Saturday. Even the jokes would be in place a week in advance.
I guess can’t blame it all on the dog, but she’s been a major contributor to my recent delayed postings. She’s still very rambunctious, and that makes things like graphic editing and typing nearly impossible.
So if you tune in only to find the updates to be lacking in quality and punctuality, know that it’s just a phase.
UPDATE 1/22/20: Gail had her surgery to be spayed yesterday and everything went just fine. She cried a little, but I gave her the Tramadol that the vet sent home, and she’s been resting comfortably ever since. I took a vacation day just to keep an eye on her for today.
Now I just have to hold my breath until the 31st when her sutures are supposed to come out, and try to keep her from taking them out sooner. I also have to somehow keep Gail significantly calmer than usual… Right this moment she’s very calm and relaxed, which is kinda nice for a change, but I’m sure that’s not going to last as long as it needs to.
Gail’s next “pic of the week” will feature “The Cone of Shame”.
Kudos
Of course what little I’m putting out wouldn’t be possible at all if it weren’t for Glenn and George. They still send me e-mails on a fairly regular basis with the jokes that I use for Flush Twice. Of course anyone can contribute jokes via our submission page or by sending me and email at flush2x@gmail.com.
“That’s the funny thing about old people: they never seem in a hurry. I think old people have figured out that being five minutes late really doesn’t matter much.” ― Shannon Wiersbitzky,
Pax,
-f2x
A man approached the receptionist desk at the urology clinic.
A somewhat large and imposing nurse asked for his name and date of birth, then in a very loud voice she said, “I have you scheduled here to see the doctor about your erectile dysfunction. Is that correct?”
The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally loud voice the man replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the doctor that did yours!”
A group of Catholic women were bragging about their sons over coffee.
The first one started, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second women chimed in with, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman smugly announced, “Not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth woman sipped her coffee in silence while the first three women stared at her expectantly. After a moment, she carefully set down her cup and mentioned, “My son is a hard-bodied male stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘My God’.”
Dissatisfied with online dating, an older woman visited a local matchmaker.
To get some idea of what the woman was looking for, the matchmaker asked, “So what requirements do you have for a potential mate?”
The woman thought about it for a moment and said, “Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to keep me company for the whole day at home. Tells me interesting stories when I need conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
“I see,” remarked the matchmaker. “You need a television.”
Henry awoke the day after an office party with a splitting headache and a horrible case of cotton-mouth
Completely unable to recall the events of the night before, he made his way downstairs where his wife was making breakfast.
“What happened last night, Olivia?” moaned Henry. “Was it as bad as I think it was?”
“Worse,” scorned his wife. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors, and insulted the CEO right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole anyway!” Henry snorted. “Piss on him!”
“You did,” Olivia explained, “and then he fired you.”
“Oh bloody hell!” Henry scoffed. “Fuck that guy!”
“I did,” Olivia replied. “You start back to work on Monday.”
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation was harmful.
“Not usually,” answered the doctor. “Not unless you do it too often.”
“How about three times a day?” the patient asked.
“That seems a little excessive,” the doctor muttered. “Why don’t you get a girlfriend?”
“I already have a girlfriend,” the patient replied.
“I meant a girl you can live with and have sex with.” explained the doctor.
The patient replied, “I got one just like that!”
Puzzled, the doctor asked, “Then why do you masturbate three times a day?”
The patient explained, “Because she won’t have sex during mealtime!”
Facts Don’t Exist
I would really like to get an electric car. Presently I own two vehicles, a gas guzzling SUV from 2002 and a rusty sedan from 1997, neither of which is getting any prettier. Since their fuel and maintenance cost less than a car payment, I keep them.
Recently my dad disputed my assertion that when you do not factor in the price of the vehicle, EV’s (electric vehicles) were cheaper to operate than ICE (internal combustion engine) vehicles. He didn’t think that was true and that the only way to change his mind would be if he owned an EV to see for himself… a condition that could never be satisfied because he would never buy or lease an EV on principle.
It doesn’t take a lot of Googling to learn that the Kilowatt per mile costs only a tiny fraction of what even the most efficient ICE cars can achieve in miles per gallon, but that’s not good enough for my dad. He has finally walled his mind up on the matter. The subject is too political for him. All the information on the internet is “fake news” and “hoaxes”. EV’s are part of a “liberal agenda”, and that’s that!
Of course it is true that if you compare the cost of a new EV to a comparably equipped ICE vehicle, the cost difference will likely be more than the ICE vehicle’s fuel cost over the next ten years. So I’ll concede that EV’s do not actually save you money under the current pricing conditions.
Another problem I have with EV’s is that the auto manufacturers do everything possible to make their EV’s unfamiliar and unacceptable to people who like their ICE cars. The typical driver doesn’t want to operate a “concept car” for their daily commute. They want something familiar, comfortable, safe, and dependable.
There’s no technical reason that EV’s could not be made to look and operate like their ICE brethren, so why is it that automakers willfully keep a viable alternative as the least-appealing option to the average consumer?
(Insert OPEC conspiracy here)
Kudos
Thanks to Glenn and maybe George. I don’t know why I bother, but here’s our submission page and my email: flush2x@gmail.com.
“Electricity is really just organized lightning” ― George Carlin
Pax,
-f2x
