Want a Ride Little Girl?

A 10-year-old girl was walking home from school one day, when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her. As he followed along beside the young child, he turned to her and asked, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” said the little girl as she kept on walking.

Not being dissuaded, the motorcyclist countered with, “I’ll give you a big bag of candy if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” the little girl shouted again, and then hurried down the street.

The motorcyclist pulled up beside the little girl again and said, “Listen, kid, I’ll give you 20 dollars and a big bag of candy! All you have to do is just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me!”

The little girl stopped, turned towards the motorcyclist, and yelled, ”Look Dad, You’re the one who bought a Honda instead of a Harley, SO YOU RIDE THE DAMN THING!”

The Newlywed Husband

A newlywed was talking to an associate at work about his recent marriage.

“Wait a second,” said the associate, “You’re telling me that you’re your wife’s third husband?”

“No,” said the newlywed, “I am her fourth husband.”

“Good grief!” cried the associate, “You’re not a husband, you’re a habit.”

Figuring Fractions

A grade school teacher posed the following problem to her arithmetic class:

“A wealthy man died and left behind ten million dollars.

One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.

Now, what does each get?”

The class fell silent for a long moment.

Finally, one little boy raised his hand and answered, “A lawyer!”

Lucky Horse

Linda slapped her husband on the back of the head.

“What was that for?” cried her husband.

“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”

“Now, sweetheart, calm down,” said the husband. “I was at the track last week and that was the name of the horse I bet on.”

Later that same day, Linda walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead.

“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.

“Your ‘horse’ just called.”

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Too Damn Good in the Kitchen

It’s winter here, and the weather is not exactly inviting me to experience the great outdoors. As a result I tend to sit around and contemplate what I want to eat… and then I spend my time making that dish a reality.

I have a very particular set of skills that I have acquired over a very long time of living on my own that allows me to take basic ingredients and manipulate them in such a way as to create those Instagramable moments that taste as good as they look.

This is not helping my waistline.

I wish my comics were as good as my dinners.


Kudos

This is the part where we thank this week’s contributors, and oh look! It’s Glenn and George again! Seriously I if you guys didn’t send me the jokes that you do, I would have quit by now. Of course anyone can use our submission page or email flush2x@gmail.com. It’s tax deductible!

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz

Pax,

-f2x

Red Flags

So he seems like a nice guy, and you decided to go on a date with him, but if he utters any of the following phrases, run for the nearest exit and don’t look back!

“I really don’t like this restaurant, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”

“I refuse to get [cable/internet/cell phone]. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”

“I used to come here all the time with my ex.”

“I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”

“It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”

A Man, His Son, and the Donkey

A man and his son were taking their donkey to be sold at the market.

As they walked along by its side a man passed them and said, “You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”

So the man put his son on the donkey and they went on their way.

Soon they passed a group of men, and one of them said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

So the man told his son to get off, and got on himself.

They hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”

Not knowing what else to do, he pulled his boy up with him on the Donkey.

By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The townsfolk said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey?”

The man and his son tried to think of what to do. At last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and carried the donkey through the town. They walked amidst the laughter of all who saw them until they came to a bridge. As they crossed the donkey managed to kick free, and in the struggle fell over the bridge and drowned.

“Let that be a lesson to you!” said an old man who had followed them, “If you try to please everyone, you may as well kiss your ass good-bye.”