Mouse Call

A man called his doctor and said, “Doc, you gotta come over here quick! You see when my wife got out of the shower and bent over to pick up her towel, a mouse ran straight up her twat!”

The doctor said, “Okay, keep calm and hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina until I get over there.”

The doctor hung up the phone and drove over to the patient’s house. Upon his arrival, he went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese. The doctor said, “What do you think you’re doing? I said a piece of cheese!”

The man explained, “I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!”

Sunday, December 29, 2019

Thank God That’s Over

Holiday’s are hell. Since the new owner took over the company, I just get a single day off for New Year’s day instead of a full two week Christmas vacation like we used to. As far as I’m concerned, that means the holiday season is fucking over.

With any luck 2020 will go by really damn fast. 2019 was a shitty year, and the more distance I can put between me and that mess, the better.

You know, I really haven’t been putting a lot of effort into this site lately. I almost feel like going on another hiatus, or better yet, a sabbatical.

You know what really sucks? When you watch “Hasbin Hotel” or “Helluva Boss” on YouTube, then look at your own body of work. Cheez’n’rice, people… I’ve wasted my frickin time on making this shit.

So I’m going back to my day job, and I’m going to try to forget what a miserable failure my cartooning career has been. Thanks, Vivziepoop, you magnificent shitlord.


Kudos

Hey, we got more jokes lined up again this week! It’s like “the Dems VS Trump”. This shit never ends! It looks like more jokes from Glenn, so thank you, Glenn. The rest of you freeloaders should check out the submission page to see if your conscience is calling you. I’ll also accept jokes via flush2x@gmail.com.

Animation can explain whatever the mind of man can conceive. This facility makes it the most versatile and explicit means of communication yet. ― Walt Disney

Pax,

-f2x

Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will entertain you.

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet. Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?’

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!’

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!’

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (In my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?’

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um… um… masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just… just… excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just that… I’m picturing you pulling on its… its…teeny little…” She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $ 50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!