Sunday, June 30, 2019

No Good Deed

So back on May 19, I wrote about getting a cordless electric mower. Just to let you know, it’s still doing a very good job. Now that the grass is really coming on strong, it takes me a little more time to mow the yards.

Yes, I said yards with an ‘s’.

So when I was in the Army, my next door neighbor took care of my house. Stan mowed the grass, and his wife took care of the cat. A couple years ago, Stan passed away. I’ve been mowing his widow’s lawn ever since. It’s the least I could do for the kindness they’ve shown me.

But this isn’t about them. It’s about the guy who lives on the other side of my neighbor. My neighbor’s neighbor. Let’s call him Mr. Bellyacher.

I started mowing Mr. Bellyacher’s yard a couple years ago because it seemed like he was having some health issues, and it really wasn’t all that much trouble. It also made the whole block look really nice with all the yards cut to one level.

Now keep in mind, I don’t charge anyone a single penny for any of this.

So this past week I was mowing that strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street… What do you call that section anyway? As I get to his end of the block, he comes running out of his house saying, “Hey Skip, I was wondering if I could get you to do something for me.”

Now first of all, my name is not Skip. I don’t know why he calls me that, but I just roll with it. Now I’m tired and hot, and this guy is insisting that I follow him around to the back of his house so he can show me his gutter in need of repair.

I don’t do gutters, and I told him so.

Not listening to me, Bellyacher kept going on and on about how his doctor told not to get up on ladders, he couldn’t get his buddy to do it, and blah, blah, blah. I started walking back to the front of the house so I could finish mowing the grass.

There was a 4 door car with it’s passenger front wheel pulled up on the strip of grass and was practically on the sidewalk. A guy in his twenties was just getting out of the driver’s side as I walked back up to my lawnmower. He shouted at me, “Hey, is that lawnmower for sale?”

“No! I’m in the middle of cutting the grass,” I shouted back and then proceeded to do my best to ignore the “almost thief”. Bellyacher was rounding the corner to see that I had reached my lawnmower before this dude had a chance to snatch it. The guy hopped back in his car and sped off as I glared at Bellyacher. Without another word he went back into his house.

I don’t doubt for a second that if I had been distracted even 30 seconds longer, my new lawnmower would be gone.

Now what I’m about to say is pure speculation. Bellyacher knew I had just spent a lot of money on a new lawnmower, and he seems to have number of exclusively male friends drop by from time to time. I can’t say for certain, but the nature of the distraction, and the speed by which this motorist in need of a lawnmower appeared is highly suspicious. It wouldn’t surprise me if there was an agreement to split the money after the mower had been pawned.

I finished cutting everyone’s grass that day, but Bellyacher is going to have to find someone else to cut his yard from now on.


Kudos

Just another shout out to thank George for sending in the jokes. Of course you too can submit jokes via our submission page or just send them to flush2x@gmail.com if you get a chance.

Thanks for visiting today, and have a great week.

Pax,

-f2x

The Bottomless Beer

Cecil found an old lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a genie with the promise to grant three wishes.

After thinking it over Cecil said, “I wish for a bottomless mug of beer!”

Just then a mug of beer appeared in Cecil’s hand. He took a sip and it was the most delicious beer he had ever tasted! He tipped up the mug and started to chug it down, but no sooner than he swallowed, the mug magically replenished itself.

“And for your next two wishes, Master?” asked the genie.

Cecil stopped drinking for a moment to carefully consider his next two wishes before answering, “I think I better wish for two more of these.”

The Cemetery Present

Mark and Sally had not been getting along for years, but refused to consider getting a divorce. Being cruel and petty, however, was not entirely off the table.

When Mark bought Sally a cemetery plot for her birthday, she was not the least bit amused, but the following year he didn’t get her anything, which made her even more furious.

“So now you can’t even be bothered to give me anything on my birthday?” she scorned.

“I didn’t see the point,” explained Mark. “You didn’t even use the gift I got you last year.”

Heavenly Dogs

Little Susie’s beloved dog Sparky died, and her mother was having a hard time consoling the grieving child.

After burying the dog in their back yard the mother said, “Don’t worry, Honey. Sparky is in Heaven with God now.”

The little girl wiped her tear stained face and asked, “What’s God gonna do with a dead dog?”