Monthly Archives: June 2018

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences had collapsed all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stopped by to bless the man’s work and said, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stopped by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it was like a completely different place. The farm house had been completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there were plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields were filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher said. “To think that you have accomplished all this with the help of the Lord!”

“Yes, reverend,” said the farmer, “but don’t forget what this farm was like when God was working it alone!”

A blonde dashed into the police station and cried, “I’ve been raped by an idiot!”

The detective on duty immediately took out his pen and paper to record the details. “OK, ma’am, I know you’ve been through a difficult ordeal, but I’m going to have to ask you a few questions. First of all, what makes you believe the person who raped you was an idiot?”

“Because I had to help him,” cried the blonde.

A man was walking past a travel agent’s office when he noticed a billboard promoting a “4 day cruise down the Murray River – $40 all inclusive.”

Impressed by the low price, he raced into the shop, slapped $40 onto the counter and said, “I’m here for the Murray cruise.” Quick as a wink, the travel agent whipped out a baseball bat and knocked the man unconscious.

When the man awoke, he found himself tied to a floating log and drifting down the river. After a time, he noticed another man in the same predicament on the other side of the river.

“$40 Murray cruise?” he called out.

“Yep!” said the man from the other side.

Injecting a bit of levity he called back, “I’ll bet you we don’t even get breakfast!”

The other man called back, “We did last year!”

Jesus sat down in the temple to teach some of the people. A group of scribes and Pharisees confronted Jesus and interrupted his teaching session.

They bought forth a woman accused of committing adultery. They asked Jesus if the punishment for someone like her should be stoning.

Jesus tried to ignore them at first, but after being pressed he stated that the one who is without sin is the one who should cast the first stone.

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress.

With a heavy sigh, Jesus said, “You can be a real bitch sometimes, Mom.”

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse. Everytime she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice “And how are we doing this morning?!”

Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looked at it and remarked, “It seems we are a little cloudy today…”

At this, he snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and chugged it, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time.”

Despite having been married for nearly 60 years, Mildred and Edgar deeply resented one another.

“You’re getting awfully old, Edgar,” scolded Mildred. “It won’t be much longer and I’ll be happily dancing on your grave.”

“That’ll be just fine with me,” said Edgar, “because I’ve already arranged to be buried at sea!”