Season Ticket Swap

Donna and Sam were reading the evening paper, when Donna let out a chuckle.

“Get this, Sam,” she said to her husband. “Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket at the stadium! Could you imagine doing anything like that?”

“That’s just crazy,” said Sam. “I would never do something like that!”

“Aww honey,” Donna cooed, “You’re so sweet!”

“Only an idiot would make such an offer,” Sam added. “The season is already half over!”

Teeny Weeny Bikini

Excited about her new purchase, the 16 year old girl raced home and tried on her new bikini. She was so thrilled with how it looked that she showed it to her mother.

“Well, what do you think, Mom?” asked the daughter.

Her mother cooly replied, “If I had worn that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older now.”

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Pick a Topic. Any Topic. OK, any topic but that one.

“Isn’t it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most?” -Charles Lindbergh

Some people never shut up. It seems like they just keep on talking and talking. I have a friend who will start talking to you, and she’ll keep on talking to you even as you are walking out the door. Even when you close the door behind you, she’s still having that conversation as if you were standing right there in front of her. This is an extreme example, but I imagine like most of us, she frequently has thoughts that she’d never say out loud.

Generally speaking, our brains are wired to protect us from ourselves. Of course it doesn’t always work, but it usually keeps you from falling off a cliff, or rolling around in lava, or saying shit that might get you killed. The latter may not seem to apply to celebrities on Twitter, but they’re all pretty much still breathing.

While those thoughts we never say lay the foundations of our mental house of cards, no amount of waterboarding, drunkenness, or pentothal could ever force us to utter those thoughts aloud. It’s a hard coded priority that takes precedence over self-preservation. Even the most cowardly would die before they would speak.

So if you’ve ever worried about those thoughts in your head, take comfort in knowing that you’re not the only one who has them. Everyone has them. On the other hand, the thoughts you never tell are unique unto you, and no matter how many friends you have, you are still very much alone.



More than a Mile

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when the camel they were using for transportation collapsed and died. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.

After several days of not being rescued, the priest said to the nun, “You know, Sister, I am about to die, and I’ve always wanted to see a naked woman. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”

The nun agreed to take off her clothes, and as she was doing so remarked, “Well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a naked man. Would you mind taking off your clothes too?”

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”

The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”

“Well forget about me,” responded the nun. “Stick it in that damn camel!”