The Golden Soapbox
Gail’s Pic of the Week
I Have No Idea What Comes Next
After 2020, things couldn't possibly get any worse, could they? Well, they could, and it is prudent to brace yourself for the possibility that the apocalypse was just getting warmed up.
On the other hand, perhaps the worst is behind us, or at least we will have a reprieve while the Kraken naps for a few more years.
One thing I pretty much know isn't about to happen:
We ain't gonna go back to the way things were.
There are a number of jokes still left in the queue from the anonymous donor who used our submission page. Thanks again, whoever you are.
“You know how sometimes you tell yourself that you have a choice, but really you don't have a choice? Just because there are alternatives doesn't mean they apply to you.” ― Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave
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What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!
A Jewish man named Moshe opened a Kosher restaurant and put a notice in the window: “ARABS NOT WELCOME”
The next day, an Arab walked in and requested a sandwich. Moshe decided that he really didn’t want to risk causing a scene, so he made the Arab the sandwich but charged him double the price.
The next day the same Arab was back, and this time he ordered a full lunch.
Moshe charged him triple and thought, “Maybe he’ll take the hint this time!”
The Arab ate his lunch, paid without a quibble, praised the food and requested a reservation for 10 of his friends for that same evening.
Moshe decided to book the reservation, but to charge them all tenfold!
That evening, the Arabs came and had a very large dinner. They paid without complaining and even tipped generously.
The next day Moshe put a new sign in the window: “JEWS NOT WELCOME.”
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Eulalia opened a letter from home and found a ten dollar bill inside.
As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, “Don’t despair, Sister Eulalia” on a piece of paper, wrapped the ten dollar bill in it, and dropped it out the window.
The man picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man at the door was insisting on seeing her. To her surprise it was the stranger from the night before. Without a word he handed her a roll of bills.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“That’s the 60 bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair paid five to one.”.
Little Bruce and Jenny were only 10 years old, but they knew they were in love.
One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Bruce went to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walked up to him and said, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well Bruce, you are only ten. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replied, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Bruce instantly replied, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Smith was impressed by how much thought Bruce had put into this. “Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”
Bruce just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
And now Mr. Smith no longer thinks little Bruce is so cute.
Three little rabbits escaped from a testing lab and found an entire field full of carrots. They ate themselves into a stupor and slept through the night.
The next morning, they found an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.
They had sex throughout the entire day and slept throughout the night.
The next morning, the rabbits got to talking.
“I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots,” said the first one.
“I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,” said the second.
“I’m going back to the lab,” said the third. “I’m dying for a cigarette.”