Comics
Gail’s Sunday Pic
Sunday, January 7, 2024
It's just so surreal...
Yesterday marked 10 years to the day of my mother's passing. Dad and I went out to dinner to pay homage in her memory. Like the decade before, I never would have dreamed we'd end up where we did.
I still maintain that somewhere along the way, I ended up in the "bad timeline". I'm not saying that things are all that bad, or that I regret my decisions. On the contrary, I'm where I am today in spite of my decisions. No matter what choices I could have made, this is where I was fated to be... and it's so unsatisfying.
On a lighter note
My comic is 20 years old this month! Think about it... 20 years ago I started putting pictures of stick figures up here in an attempt to dress up a rather boring hand coded html page. Seeing how it started and how it turned out is kind of neat. It has certainly gone through some dramatic changes from those original daily panels to my current sporadic offerings. I wish I could have combined the naive wit of my youth with my current "drawing" abilities. I've become far too jaded in my old age and it puts a damper on my creativity.
Of course looking back at some of my early work, I'm not so sure my "wit" was all that great either. The "art" was definitely bad... And now that I'm looking at it, the gags weren't really all that great either, but I was putting out a daily panel rather consistently for a while there.
Yeah, now that I think about it... those old comics sucked. As I'm glancing through them I feel myself cringing in disgust... Wow... Maybe I do have some regrets after all! Oh those wasted hours I spent navel gazing to come up with crap that makes Chis Chan look inspired! Thank god no one is actually reading this shit!
So to wrap it up...
Happy New Year, everybody! I'm really not sure how much stuff I'll add to Flush Twice in '24, but I'll get to it whenever I get the chance. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment down below if there's anything you'd like to see happen over the next 12 months.
Pax,
-f2xGET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
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Monthly Archives: June 2018
Arabs Not Welcome!
A Jewish man named Moshe opened a Kosher restaurant and put a notice in the window: “ARABS NOT WELCOME”
The next day, an Arab walked in and requested a sandwich. Moshe decided that he really didn’t want to risk causing a scene, so he made the Arab the sandwich but charged him double the price.
The next day the same Arab was back, and this time he ordered a full lunch.
Moshe charged him triple and thought, “Maybe he’ll take the hint this time!”
The Arab ate his lunch, paid without a quibble, praised the food and requested a reservation for 10 of his friends for that same evening.
Moshe decided to book the reservation, but to charge them all tenfold!
That evening, the Arabs came and had a very large dinner. They paid without complaining and even tipped generously.
The next day Moshe put a new sign in the window: “JEWS NOT WELCOME.”
Don’t Despair
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Eulalia opened a letter from home and found a ten dollar bill inside.
As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, “Don’t despair, Sister Eulalia” on a piece of paper, wrapped the ten dollar bill in it, and dropped it out the window.
The man picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man at the door was insisting on seeing her. To her surprise it was the stranger from the night before. Without a word he handed her a roll of bills.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“That’s the 60 bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair paid five to one.”.
The Little Couple
Little Bruce and Jenny were only 10 years old, but they knew they were in love.
One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Bruce went to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walked up to him and said, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well Bruce, you are only ten. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replied, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Bruce instantly replied, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Smith was impressed by how much thought Bruce had put into this. “Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”
Bruce just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
And now Mr. Smith no longer thinks little Bruce is so cute.
The Three Little Rabbits
Three little rabbits escaped from a testing lab and found an entire field full of carrots. They ate themselves into a stupor and slept through the night.
The next morning, they found an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.
They had sex throughout the entire day and slept throughout the night.
The next morning, the rabbits got to talking.
“I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots,” said the first one.
“I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,” said the second.
“I’m going back to the lab,” said the third. “I’m dying for a cigarette.”
Foraging for Fruit
At the supermarket, Dorothy nervously looked over the oranges with a worried concern.
Noticing her distress, the store manager approached her and asked if everything was alright.
“Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband,” said Dorothy. “Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkiller?”
“No madam,” remarked the manager, “You’ll have to get that from our ‘Home and Garden’ department.”
Sunday, June 24, 2018
We’ve Been Getting Less Prurient
and that’s on purpose!
I just wanted to give the regular viewers and contributors a heads up. While most of the jokes published here will still contain “mature” or “offensive” themes, there have been and will continue to be fewer jokes of a sexual nature. This is not because I don’t like sexual humor, nor am I being pressured by feminists. The simple fact is, the sexual jokes are getting boring.
While you could write volumes of jokes about infidelity, impotence, and incest, eventually they all just start to blur together. That’s why I’ve been really trying to tone it down. About once per week is OK, but there for a while I was posting nothing but sexual jokes five days a week.
It’s important to note why I was posting so many jokes regarding sex in the first place: Those are the jokes you (my contributors) have been sending me! At risk of alienating some (or even all) of you, I’m going to stop using most of them. I know that’s a risky move for a site called “Flush Twice”. Believe it or not, I only called it that because there were so many jokes being sent to me that you’d have to “flush twice” to get them all to go down, and not because we’d specialize in toilet humor.
So in this open letter, I’m asking you nicely to please send jokes other than the sexual ones. Religious, political, and racist jokes are also offensively funny ways to make us all laugh, and I’d really like it if you’d start sending a few “clean” jokes once in a while. They don’t have to be that clean, but make it something you could at least tell the boss’s boss without risking your promotion.
Pax,
-f2x
The Age of Contempt
The Indian at the Fair
At the State Fair a young fellow was watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read: “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00!”
Just then, a cowboy approached the Indian and asked, “Is the sign right?”
The Indian said, “yes.”
The cowboy handed him a fiver and said, “you’re on!”
The Indian looked the cowboy up and down, he noticed some cow dung on the cowboy’s boots and flatly stated, “you’re from Wyoming.”
The cowboy shook his head and said, “I’ll be darned! You’re right!” and strolled away.
A second cowboy approached the Indian and went through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stood and watched as the Indian looked him up and down before noticing a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian said, “you’re from Montana!”
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walked away.
The young man decided he’s going to give the Indian a run for his money. He went into the men’s room, took off his boots, scrubbed them up, dried them off, and put on a coat of polish. The he went ouside and approached the Indian. He handed the Indian a five-dollar bill and said, “do your stuff!”
The Indian looked and looked, and appeared to be befuddled. The young man was now certain he had gotten one up on the Indian.
The Indian finally said, “You’re from New Zealand!”
The young man was astonished and asked, “How in the world did you know that I’m from New Zealand?”
The Indian replied, “By the wool on your zipper.”
Mail Order Bride
An 80-year old rancher named Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride.
Being a good friend, the town sheriff asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was.
The sheriff then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”
Now the sheriff, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the sheriff tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the sheriff ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the sheriff.
Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.”
The sheriff, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”
Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”