Charlie came home dead tired from working another twelve-hour day and collapsed in bed.
As he was just about to fall asleep, his wife rolled over and said, “What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?”
He replied, “Don’t worry honey. I’d stay faithful!”
“Mr. Vandergelder, I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” the Matchmaker proclaimed with zeal.
“Don’t bother,” replied Mr. Vandergelder. “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
“I said ‘two sisters’ Ms. Levi. I didn’t say they were mine.”
Sitting at the kitchen table, Sadie was bragging to Sophie about her daughter.
“My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,” said Sadie.
Sophie sipped her coffee and politely nodded.
“She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends.”
Sophie’s gaze drifted to the side for a moment as she took a deep breath.
Sadie droned on, “Of course they also buy her beautiful jewelry and take her on expensive vacations…”
Having had enough, Sophie finally replied, “Yeah, you know my daughter’s a whore too.”
OMG, is it Sunday again?!
Seriously, this past week just flew by. Also, if you have any good jokes, please send them my way. The next few weeks just don’t look that hilarious to me, but the jokes are in place. Even though only one person ever seems to rate the jokes anymore, feel free to click those stars. Trust me, it makes your visit feel so much more satisfyingly interactive.
In other news, I’m still getting moved around a lot at work. I’m being used to triage a massive shortage of qualified help. In some ways it’s kind of fun, but it’s also very nerve-wracking. I have to be on top of my game every day, and it’s taking a lot out of me. I pretty much spent most of yesterday in bed trying to recover, yet I’m still experiencing symptoms of exhaustion. It’s not pleasant. Hopefully I’ll start to get the hang of my enhanced responsibilities. Too bad it doesn’t come with an enhanced paycheck.
Other than that, Grace is still doing fine. She seems to be eating quite well, and has more energy than I can possibly deal with.
Pax,
-f2x
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.
After three years of research at a costs in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, the Australians (not really trusting British or French studies) decided to conduct their own study.
After nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of $75 (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
Hubert ran into his friend Jeremy after work. Jeremy seemed to be excited about this new brothel in town that he thought was absolutely brilliant!
“Why is it brilliant?” asked Hubert.
Jeremy explained, “Well, you go in there at 9:00 am, have all the sex you can handle until 12:30, stop for a 3 course lunch, and then have all the sex you can cope with until 4:30 pm. Then they serve chocolate cake and coffee, and just as you leave, they give you $500 in your hand!”
“Sweet Jesus!” Hubert exclaimed. “Where is this place?”
“I don’t know,” said Jeremy, “but I’ll ask my wife tonight when she comes home.”
Chris was an ambitious young man who was finally being considered for membership at an exclusive country club. As part of his trial membership, he spent a day at the plush club playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddie.
Sadly, Chris was a bit of a hack golfer. He played poorly all day. Along the 18th hole, he spotted a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looked at the caddie and said, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie looked back at him and said, “Actually, I’ve been watching you play, and I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
A man traveled to Spain and went to a restaurant in Madrid for a late supper. He ordered the house special and he was brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
“What’s this?” he asked.
“Cojones, senor,” replied the waiter.
“What are cojones?” the man retorted.
“Cojones,” the waiter explained, “are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.”
At first the man was disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decided to try this local delicacy.
To his amazement, it was quite delicious. In fact, it was so good that he decided to come back again the next night and ordered it again. This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects were much smaller.
What’s this?” he asked the waiter.
“Cojones, senor,” the waiter replied.
“No, no,” the man objected, “I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these.””
Senor,” the waiter explained, “the bull does not always lose.”
A husband and wife were on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapsed with symptoms of a heart attack.
The husband called 911 on his cell phone, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.
His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him. “I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” said the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asked feebly?
“No time at all,” said her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
