Did you ever stop to think that I actually write these side posts? That’s right: I sit down and try to come up with my own original material to amuse and entertain in this sidebar. Even the little images in the corner are either photos I took, or original artwork that I created in a bitmap editor.
At first I was merely trying to be informative with regard to this website in these little asides, but as time went on I just started writing shit for the sake of entertainment. Kind of like that cheeky columnist in the “Life” section of your local newspaper.
I’ve noticed that I can sit down and read the stuff I write, not just here, but in forums, reviews, and e-mails. Occasionally I’ve actually found myself enjoying it, not because of how narcissistic I am, but because I thought the sentences and paragraphs were easy to consume. On more than a few occasions, I actually forgot I was the author of the text I was reading while I was reading it, and just enjoyed the way it “flowed”.
So does any of my original writing do anything for you? Do you even bother to read this text? I never get any feedback on it, and maybe that’s for the best, but no… I’d like to know. Do my stories entertain or bore you?
Let me know what you think in the comments. We’ve got newobviously stolen jokes lined up for Monday through Friday, so don’t forget to stop back and see them.
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my sake?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll do it for you. But for Pete’s sake, give me more than one!”
One day, Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away, so she went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, “It was a heart attack while we were making love on Saturday morning.”
Nancy felt that two people nearing 100 years of age probably shouldn’t be indulging in such dangerous passions, and said so to her grandmother.
“But you don’t understand, my dear, ” replied her gran. “Many years ago, fully realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ‘Ding’ and out on the ‘Dong’. ”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
So during the last fireside chat, I might have given some of you the impression that I don't like my dog. Well, I do, but with such boundless energy she can be very tiring. I'm getting on in my years, and having a living bouncy ball sap my energy every day is frustrating.
But Gail is my baby girl, and though she often tests my limits, she does have her up sides. Off hand I can't think of any, but... Oh wait! She does actually settle down, and when I'm sitting on the couch or lying in bed, she is right there snuggled up next to me. She looks at me in such a way as to tell me that I am her everything.
And Gail is still just a pup. Granted, she is an 85 pound musclebound pup, but her brain is still developing. It is always a pleasant surprise when something finally "clicks" in that head of hers, and she learns to control some of the less desirable aspects of her behavior.
Make no mistake, there is a long way to go before Gail is what I would consider a "good" dog, and I have had enough dogs to know the difference. In the meantime, she still gets plenty of toys and treats and belly rubs.
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.