Did you ever stop to think that I actually write these side posts? That’s right: I sit down and try to come up with my own original material to amuse and entertain in this sidebar. Even the little images in the corner are either photos I took, or original artwork that I created in a bitmap editor.
At first I was merely trying to be informative with regard to this website in these little asides, but as time went on I just started writing shit for the sake of entertainment. Kind of like that cheeky columnist in the “Life” section of your local newspaper.
I’ve noticed that I can sit down and read the stuff I write, not just here, but in forums, reviews, and e-mails. Occasionally I’ve actually found myself enjoying it, not because of how narcissistic I am, but because I thought the sentences and paragraphs were easy to consume. On more than a few occasions, I actually forgot I was the author of the text I was reading while I was reading it, and just enjoyed the way it “flowed”.
So does any of my original writing do anything for you? Do you even bother to read this text? I never get any feedback on it, and maybe that’s for the best, but no… I’d like to know. Do my stories entertain or bore you?
Let me know what you think in the comments. We’ve got newobviously stolen jokes lined up for Monday through Friday, so don’t forget to stop back and see them.
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my sake?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll do it for you. But for Pete’s sake, give me more than one!”
One day, Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away, so she went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, “It was a heart attack while we were making love on Saturday morning.”
Nancy felt that two people nearing 100 years of age probably shouldn’t be indulging in such dangerous passions, and said so to her grandmother.
“But you don’t understand, my dear, ” replied her gran. “Many years ago, fully realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ‘Ding’ and out on the ‘Dong’. ”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
So about a year or so ago, Linux Mint released LMDE 3. It was the latest successor to their Debian branch, and sadly, the developers chose not to support the Mate desktop environment. This left me with 3 options: 1) Stick with LMDE 2, 2) Install LMDE 3, then install Mate, or 3) Install the Ubuntu based Linux Mint.
The first one was a non-starter. I wanted the latest and greatest, and felt I had already waited too long.
At the time I chose the second option because I wanted to stay in the more pure Debian ecosystem for a contradictory reason: The Debian edition is supported longer, so there are fewer format/re-install cycles.
I avoided the third option for the worst reason: The snob factor. Let's face it, Ubuntu users are very near the lowest in the Linux hierarchy. Ubuntu is Linux for the non-technical, Ubuntu is for the lazy, Ubuntu is for the idiot, and now Ubuntu is for me.
There were a few other reasons to favor the Debian edition over the Ubuntu variety, but something was irking me and if I didn't leave the Debian universe, I would involuntarily blame that "irk" on Debian.
Sadly, the Ubuntu edition still contained that "final" irk, but all the irks up to that point were actually gone. It wasn't Debian though... It was LMDE 3's refusal to support a Mate edition.
By the way, that final "irk" had to do with VLC. It's my preferred media player, and after the latest update, it's been glitching when you are watching video in full screen.
It might just be my machine, but it's a relentless glitch that causes the player on screen controls to not want to reappear when you jog the mouse, and the keyboard controls stop working as well.
When I press the space bar, the movie I'm watching had bloody well stop!
Alas, the problem persists under the Ubuntu branch of Linux Mint, so I know it wasn't just my Debian install. I will not be going back to LMDE 3, however. The Ubuntu system basically looks and feels the same, and shedding a couple of other minor issues that I wasn't able to fix on my own is a kind of a big plus.
So yeah, if you're still playing games on Windows, I understand. You've got your priorities, and I respect that. I just really enjoy the feeling of the Mate desktop environment powered by Linux... glitches and all.
Just another shout out to Glenn and George for supplying this week's jokes. How do you tell who sends what? Glenn's jokes are the dirtier ones. So thanks guys. If anyone else would like to add to the collection, please head over to our submission page or send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Did anyone tell you how beautiful you are? I could just stare into those eyes of yours all day long. You really are something special. Have a great week!
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by visitors like yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail email@example.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny? Well, it boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.