Gail’s Pic of the Week
How to Retire a Millionaire!
So I'm working this weekend... And next weekend... And every weekend in the foreseeable future. There is no end in site. I really don't know how I'm going to handle it. I can barely handle 5 days a week, so this will be quite a challenge.
It's gonna be rough, but if I manage to hang in there, the overtime/double-time will be enough to fund my increasing addiction to the stock market. Maybe if I can squirrel enough money into the right stocks, I might be able to bootstrap a retirement plan that doesn't include me working till the day I die.
But then again, I'm pretty sure that once I buy a stock, someone on Wall Street makes a call and tells another guy, and then the word gets around, then they all agree in solidarity to just let that particular stock drop like a brick, just so I can never get ahead. In fact the CEO and Board of Directors for any stock I buy will also decide to scuttle their companies, and thus ensure that I never make fucking dime doing this shit.
Maybe I can use this curse to my advantage. Bezos, if you're listening, I swear to god I will buy every share of Amazon I can get my grubby little mitts on until the value of your company goes into the negative! To keep me from buying your stock and effectively forcing you to live on cat food for your remaining years, please send me one MILLION dollars! Mwaa-ha-ha-ha-hah!
I'm so sick of working all the time.
Of course a big shout out to my big homie, Big D, who came at me with 5 fantastic jokes for this week. Of course I'm only assuming it's Big D because the submission page is kind of anonymous. Full disclosure: it records your IP address, so I can check that against an IP lookup site to see what ISP owns the IP address, but I can't really tell who anyone actually is. I just assume it's Big D because its coming from and ISP out of Cincy.
Oh, and the IP address is overwritten after the joke gets officially scheduled, so it's not like there's any incriminating evidence left from submitting a joke. Try it today! Everyone will be glad you did!
The Golden Soapbox
GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!
Jerry was a non-believer. One fateful day, he died and was sent to hell.
To his surprise, the sky was blue, the grass was lush and green, the trees were filled with delicious fruit, and the other condemned souls were running around laughing and playing.
A human-like figure wearing a white tuxedo and a magnificent set of horns came up to Jerry and said, “Welcome to hell, Jerry. I am Satan, and I’m so pleased to meet you! If there’s anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, be sure to let me know.”
As Jerry explored his unexpected afterlife, he found a large chasm in the ground. It reeked of sulfur and when he looked down inside he saw a humongous chamber filled with flames and screaming souls.
Just then Satan came up and shooed Jerry away from the pit.
“What’s all that going on down there?” asked Jerry.
“Oh, just ignore them,” Satan replied while rolling his eyes. “They’re Christians; they wouldn’t have it any other way.”
The manager noticed his blonde secretary at her desk in tears.
Deeply concerned, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
The blonde replied, “My mother passed away this morning.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” replied the manager. “Why don’t you go home and take the day off?”
“No thank you,” replied the blonde. “It’s best that I keep myself busy.” And with that the blonde dried her eyes and got back to typing.
Later that day, her manager finds her crying again, so he said, “I know you’re upset about your mother passing away, and I know you said you’d rather keep busy, but the company does provide paid bereavement when you lose a parent.”
Drying her tears again she said, “It’s not that. My sister just called, and her mom passed away this morning too!”
An American went into a Swiss bank carrying a large duffel bag.
He walked up to a teller and in a hushed voice said, “I have a million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a Swiss bank account as quickly as possible.”
The teller replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Sir. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”