Author Archives: f2x

One day Tom decided to take the opportunity to paint the toilet seat while his wife Margret was out shopping.

Margret came home much sooner than expected and made a beeline for the commode. Needless to say, she got the seat stuck to her rear. Understandably distraught about this Margret had her husband drive her to the doctor.

To protect her dignity, Tom threw a large overcoat over her as they went out the door. When they got to the doctor’s office, he lifted his wife’s coat to show the doctor their predicament.

Tom asked the doctor, “Have you ever seen anything like this before, Doc?”

“Well, yes,” the doctor said scratching his head, “But never framed!”

A man walked into a shoe store and asked for a pair of size 8 shoes.

The salesman said, “But, sir, from what I can see, you’re at least a size 11.”

The guy said, “Just bring me the size 8 shoes.”

The salesman brought them, the guy stuffed his feet into them, tied them tight, and then he stood up, obviously in a lot of pain. “They’re perfect,” he said with an uncomfortable wince. “I’ll take ’em.”

The salesman just had to ask, “Sir, it’s obvious these shoes don’t fit. Why are you insisting on getting them?”

With a heavy sigh, the man said to the salesman, “I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is fucking my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes.”

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to the gynecologist.

He took one look at the woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked the woman to undress.

After she disrobed, the gynecologist began stroking her thigh. He asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes”, she replied. “You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.”

“That’s right”, said the gynecologist.

Emboldened, he began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes, you are checking for any lumps or breast cancer,” she replied.

“Correct”, said the gynecologist.

Deciding to go for broke, he unzipped his pants and stuck his you-know-what into you-know-where.

“Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said dryly. “You’re getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.”

Donald and Henrietta sought the help of a marriage counselor.

“The key to a happy marriage is communication,” said the counselor. He motioned to Henrietta and asked, “Now what would you say is the biggest difficulty you are currently facing?”

Without hesitation Henrietta said, “Our sex life is in a lot of trouble.”

Donald chimed in with, “That’s putting it mildly!”

“Tell me, Donald,” queried the counselor, “Do you have any sexual fantasies that you think could improve your sex life?”

“Of course! I have all kinds of sexual fantasies,” he boasted.

“Have you ever tried discussing these fantasies with your wife?” asked the counselor.

“What’s the point?” scoffed Donald. “She isn’t in any of them.”

After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go.”

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

“Well, OK,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions. First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second,” she insisted. “You have to promise we won’t go past my mother’s.”

A state trooper pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler on his way to do a show and didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The juggler told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle, so the trooper grabbed some flares from his trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper lit five flares and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was juggling, another car pulled in behind the patrol car. The other car’s driver got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

Observing this, the trooper went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked what he thought he was doing.

The man replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain’t no way I’m gonna pass that sobriety test.”