Author Archives: f2x

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand-new tennis ball. Seeing nobody around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

After jogging for some time, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing and waited for the lights to change.

A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked out of curiosity.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding, where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But, lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, “What happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years. I thought he meant his money!”

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

“I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod, and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, you’d gone fishing.”

A senior citizen went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I only have sex once a week.”

The doctor asked, “How old are you?”

The patient replied “Seventy-five.”

“Wait now. You’re 75, and have sex once a week. I think that’s wonderful. What are you complaining about?”

“My neighbor is almost eighty years old, and he says he has sex three times a week, every week.”

The doctor smiled and said, “I can easily solve your problem. From now on, you tell him the same thing.”

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making.

“One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.”

“What do you mean, Dad?” asked the son quizzically.

“Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, ‘Are you done yet?’ On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, ‘Are you done already?’ a school teacher will say, ‘We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!’ and a nurse will say, ‘This won’t hurt one bit’.

“I thought they said, ‘Pull down your pants and bend over’,” quipped the young lad.

“That’s male nurses,” corrected the father, “but let’s move on. A bank teller will say, ‘Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.’ A stewardess will say, ‘Place this over your face and breathe normally.’…

“And what does mom say?” asked the boy.

The father looked down and paused for a moment before saying, “‘Beige.’ She says, ‘I think we should paint the ceiling beige.'”

A small Alabama Zoo had acquired a female gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla went into heat, and became difficult to handle. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time keeper responsible for cleaning the cages.

Ed had little sense and a reputation for being none too picky about the women he took to bed. With that in mind, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. They approached Ed with a proposition.

“Would you be willing to have sex with that gorilla for $500?” they asked him.

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.”

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

“Well,” said Ed, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”

Though Sal and Ruby divorced several years ago, they still remained good friends.

This was a good thing, since they each lived in the same apartment building.

One day Sal slipped on the ice and broke his arm.

He happened to bump into Ruby in the elevator, and she asked Sal if there was anything she could do to help.

He said, “Well, if it’s not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?”

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.

“Now isn’t that sweet, Sal,” said Ruby. “He still recognizes me.”

Three nuns met in the main hall. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the father’s room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms.”

“Oh my,” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them,” she replied.

The third nun said, “Oh shit!”