A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order and saw that she was crying.
“What is wrong, miss? Are you ok?” he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, “My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn’t it?”
The waiter talked with her a few moments and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, “Make a wish and blow!”
She closed her eyes and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her – they did not even know each others names – but hey, when you have got a hot blonde going down on you, are you really going to say, “No, do not do it?”
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, “Did you like it?”
He said, “Yes, of course, you do it great, but I am just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock?”
She looked confused. “Well, I was just doing what you told me to.”
Now he is confused. “What I told you to?”
Smiling, she says, “Don’t tell me you forgot already. You said, ‘Make a wish and blow!'”
So this was the Memorial Day weekend here in the U.S., and it’s basically a holiday that either you don’t give a damn about, or you impose way too much significance. When I was a kid growing up in Ohio, it was the day my mom took fresh cut peonies to the cemetery, and us kids got to take off the day from school. As I got older, it was a day I got off from work. When I got in the military I found out for the first time that it was a day to remember those who died in the service of our country.
Now it’s back to just being a day I get to stay home from work. BFD, right? pretty much. Here lately my shoulder has been giving me trouble. I was hoping this long weekend would give me a chance to give it enough rest so it would self-heal. Needless to say, it’s not really getting any better. I guess I’m getting too old for the body’s magical regenerative properties to work effectively.
Oh, did I mention I got that promotion I was talking about? No, not that one, the one after. It seems I get to be group leader ahead of schedule. Can you imagine that? Me, a wisecracking smartass who operates a joke of the day site, gets to command a bunch of temps on a newly re-opened 2nd shift. Now that’s a twisted sense of humor!
The worst part is, I can’t keep anyone. They all keep quitting on me… Well, some of them weren’t worth a damn, and since a group leader can’t actually fire anyone, I just made sure they didn’t hurt themselves until management could fire them. The ones that actually put in a half-hearted effort simply found better jobs that paid better and moved on.
So that’s about it. No illustration this week. My shoulder hurts too much. Until next time.
A tourist was visiting a small Polynesian island when he came across a native man proudly displaying a necklace made from about twenty alligator teeth.
“I guess you must prize alligator teeth the way we value pearls,” said the tourist.
“More so,” said the native. “Anyone can open up an oyster.”
“I’m lonely,” Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. “I need to have someone around for company.”
“Okay,” replied God. “I’m going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious. She’ll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word.”
“Sounds good,” Adam said. “But what’s she going to cost?”
“An arm and a leg.”
“That’s pretty steep, ” countered Adam. “What can I get for just a rib?”
A midget was waiting to get on a bus when a busty blonde stepped on him.
The first time this happened, he decided not to say anything. However, once again the blonde stepped on him. He looked upwards and shouted, “Hey you big dumb brunette, watch where you’re stepping.”
She looked down and said, “I am not a brunette, I’m a blonde!”
The midget replied, “Not from where I’m standing, you’re not!”
So a few weeks back, I was talking about the “janky-net” that I had set up at home. There’s been a slight upgrade. I now have a Netgear LB1120 instead of a hotspot and bridge. It’s much less “janky” now, but there’s still the little teensy problem of finding a wireless data plan that doesn’t suck.
So there are basically 4 networks. Sprint/Verizon and AT&T/T-Mobile. These are “the big four”. I’ve paired them up based on compatible technologies. Everything else is an MVNO (Mobile Virtual Network Operator) that runs off the other four. MVNO’s are almost as good at their parent provider, but they get deprioritized and that basically means slightly slower speeds. Since I can get a good signal for any of the big four at my house, they would all work just fine as an ISP. The only real considerations I need to have are the terms and monthly costs.
Since wireless data is a completely different animal to hardwired ISP’s, it’s important to know about how it’s sold. First of all, you’re not only paying for speed, you’re also paying for how much data you use, and how you may use it. “Unlimited” plans are never truly unlimited, no matter what the advertisement says, and the terms they use to describe their services can be confusing.
So let’s look at a few terms:
First there’s tethering and/or hotspots. This is where you can connect other devices to your phone, or use a device that lets you connect various other devices to the network. This is the most useful feature on a data plan and an absolute must if you plan on using a wireless carrier as your home ISP. For this reason, the big four like to place heavy restrictions on their plans with regards to tethering and mobile hotspots. MVNO’s are usually (not always) more lax.
Then there are the speed terms: 4G/LTE, 3G, and 2G. Let’s look at each of them one at a time.
First let’s take a look at 3G since it is almost never used anymore. 3G speed is very nebulous. It’s defined as being at least 144Kbps up to 4Mbps. That’s a hell of a lot of wiggle room, and can mean the difference between not even playing low quality videos and easily watching DVD quality videos. You’ll never see any MVNO offer these speeds, and it usually requires a contract or a credit check to get something that even mentions 3G speeds from the big four.
Next, there is 2G speed. This is about 128Kbps, and even though it’s more than twice the speed of dial-up, it is pretty much worthless. You will not be able to stream even the lowest quality videos. If you are using one of the big four, you might be able to stream audio, but if it’s an MVNO, you are probably gonna have a bad time no matter what you are trying to use it for.
The one to look for is 4G/LTE speed. This is basically mobile broadband. This is typically between 5 and 15Mbps, but can achieve speeds up to 50Mbps. This can easily stream a NetFlix video. For typical web browsing, it’s indistinguishable from a hard wired connection, but watch out! You can go through a Gigabyte (GB) of data very fast at this speed. When you think about it, a typical internet user goes through about 1 to 2GB every day without even thinking about it!
So tell me, How many Gigabytes of 4G/LTE data does your mobile provider give you for the whole month? Do they let you tether it? How much do they soak you for it? These are the important questions.
I used to be with Consumer Cellular. They are an MVNO through AT&T. Their best deal on data was $40 for 10GB of 4G/LTE, but that was on top of the voice plan. Still, it was $4/GB of 4G/LTE. The downside was that additional data was charged at a much higher rate, and at some point they would drop you down to 2G speeds.
T-Mobile did a bait and switch on me. I went into one of their stores to get their Unlimited plan that would give me 10GB of 4G/LTE followed by unlimited 3G speeds for $50/month. It turned out that it wan’t 3G after all. It was 2G, and like I mentioned above, 2G is basically worthless. $5/GB wasn’t really all that cost effective either. To be fair, they also had a 22GB plan for $95, but that’s still $4.32/GB… Still worse than Consumer Cellular.
So far, it looks like Mint Mobile is the better choice. The plan is 10Gb of 4G/LTE followed by unlimited 2G for $25/month, and hotspot/tethering is 100% fine. This amounts to $2.50/Gigabyte, and sadly, that’s the price to beat. Seriously, I can’t find anyone who can even come close to touching it.
There are some downsides to Mint Mobile. For one, the biggest plan they offer is 10GB, and I need at least 20GB/month. To get around that, I had to buy two separate SIM cards and swap them twice a month. Initially, they each cost $75 and were good for three months of service. Unfortunately, to continue getting the 10Gb of 4G/LTE for $25/month you have to enroll in the 12 month renewal for $300. With two SIMs, that comes to a whopping up front cost of $600! CHA-CHING!
So I’m still looking for that perfect data plan. I really think a metered plan that charged about a $1/GB for tethered 4G/LTE data would be amazing. With a rate that low, I wouldn’t really have to budget my internet usage, and the more I used it, the more my provider would get paid.
You know what the best part of a plan with terms like that would be? It would end a lot of the ranting you hear from people sick of the monopoly broadband providers. Just pay a fair fee for each gigabyte of data transferred through the internet at a usable speed. Why the fuck is that so hard?
Oh well, enough about mobile plans. I could rant and rant on the subject all day, and you dumb fuckers will still walk into a mobile phone store to sign up for a sucker’s deal. “But I get free HBO for $75/month!” Yeah… On your PHONE.
So it's been kind of a mixed bag this year. Sadly, my Aunt Pam passed away back in February, then my cat, Alex, died in June. On the plus side, I got Murphy in August, and I finally managed to pay off what was left of my old revolving credit card debt that I've had hanging over me for 40 years.
Born on June 22, 2025, Murphy is about 6 months old as of this post. I picked him up off Craig's List for $10 when he was about 7 weeks old. Since then I've spent about $1300 over 5 vet visits to make sure he got all his shots and yes that includes neutering. Where Alex merely tolerated Gail, Murphy adores her. and the two are regularly seen snuggling up to one another. Those photos aren't staged. These two are really that close.
In spite of everything, I'm still gainfully employed. it's highly doubtful AI is going to take my job anytime soon, so I guess I can be thankful for that. On the other hand I recently found out I have chronic kidney disease, so that's no beuno. I won't find out until January if lifestyle and medication changes are going to be enough to keep it from progressing. Fingers crossed.
On a lighter note, I've started occasionally live-streaming Tarot card readings on Twitch. No, I don't actually believe in magical mumbo-jumbo, but there is an art to the craft. I look at Tarot as basically being psychology with flashcards. There are 78 cards, and each card can have different and multiple meanings depending on its context. When you know what you're doing you can ALWAYS match randomly dealt cards to the context. Form a coherent narrative around the cards and you can actually gain an altered perspective on your situation that may give you more confidence in facing your problems.
So that's about it for 2025. Not gonna lie: While it wasn't all bad, this year sucked pretty hard. I can't make any promises, but I fully intend on putting out more than 2 comics in 2026, and I might even include a few more jokes and rants.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!
Pax,
-f2x
September 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
