Janet scowled as she handed her husband Bob and pair of silk panties, “This wouldn’t happen to belong to your secretary would they?”
“Where did you find those?” Bob sputtered with nervous embarrassment.
“I didn’t,” she curtly remarked. “The mailman found them in your night stand.”
You Just Bought Our Printer? We’re Sorry!
I know that most people are mouth breathing morons who probably can’t figure out how to find the system settings for their i-phones, but it really chaps my ass that HP doesn’t at least politely tip their hat to a Linux user who just bought their fucking ink guzzling money sucker.
Just so you know, I’ve had a Canon printer for about 5 years or so. It had been ailing for a while, but it became extremely dysfunctional earlier today when I needed to finish up my taxes. Fed up, I packed up the dog in the ol’ Plymouth and headed to Wally World. After starring at the 15 or so printers for way too long, I finally picked up the $50 HP Officejet 4652 and headed to Burger King for a stress relieving artery clogger. Grace had a couple of cheeseburgers too.
Now just so you know, you can get just about every HP printer out there to work with Linux. (I’m a Linux user by the way. It’s no big deal really; I just prefer it to Windows.) The thing is that during the setup process they have you go to their website where they immediately SHIT ON YOU for buying their printer rather than saying, “Thanks for choosing HP! We see you’re using Linux. Head on over to our Officially Unsupported HPLIP page to get you started on a path to paying us hundreds of dollars for milliliters of ink!”
Let’s be clear about this. Linux: It’s just another fucking operating system. It’s modern and fairly standardised these days. There’s really no good reason not to be civil and provide a modicum of support. After all, I just gave you $50 for a some plastic. If you want to see anymore money out of me, the damn thing had better “just work”TM.
You know, over the years I’ve owned several printers. Tandy, Epson, Canon, HP… Generally speaking HP’s have been the best… Although that Tandy was a beast. Epson print heads clog and make the device useless, and Canon… Well Canon’s pretty good too, but three out of the five HP printers I’ve owned were amazing. (I had one dud.) Let’s hope this new one doesn’t make me rant any further.
Oh, final note on HP with Linux: Installing the latest version of HPLIP from their website is painfully slow. HP software is just as shitty on Linux as it is on Windows. It’s sits in the background stealing your CPU Cycles and “phoning home” way too often, but the printer works well, and the print quality is excellent.
Pax,
-f2x
So how many of these have you told (or been told)?
1. I’ll call you.
2. I love you.
3. You’re the only one.
4. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I’ve got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That’s the best sex I’ve ever had.
7. You’ve got the most beautiful eyes.
8. No, I’m not married.
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing’s wrong.
11. I’m ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven’t had sex in years.
14. We’ll get married as soon as I …
15. I’ll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It’s not that I don’t care – I just have to spend more time with my kids.
17. I’ve only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I’ve been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night.
21. I always use a con-dom.
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)
23. I haven’t seen her since she and I broke up.
24. I tested HIV negative.
25. I haven’t seen her since she and I broke up.
26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you.
27. No, I don’t think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big.
28. I’m too tired.
29. How could you think I’d be interested in her? She’s your best friend.
30. When it comes to oral sex, I’m the best.
31. I’ve never had any trouble keeping an erection before.
32. It’s you and me, babe – we’ll make love all over Europe.
33. I’d never do anything to hurt you.
34. I want to grow old with you.
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives.
36. Our having sex won’t change a thing between us.
37. Don’t worry, I’ve had a vasectomy.
38. I’m going to leave my wife.
39. You’re nothing at all like my mother.
40. Your being a different religion doesn’t matter to me.
41. It doesn’t bother me that you make more money than I do.
42. Even without sex, we’d still be friends.
43. I think older women are the most exciting.
44. I’m considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company).
45. What attracts me to you is your mind.
46. We’ll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty.
47. Of course I don’t mind that you didn’t come.
48. I’ve never had an affair before.
49. You’re the only one who understands me.
50. I’ve never been in therapy.
51. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
52. No, I’m not seeing anyone else.
53. I haven’t thought about her (old girlfriend) in years.
54. How many times do I have to tell you I’m not having an affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine.
56. I promise you that I’ll change.
57. I want us to remain close friends always.
58. My wife and I have an understanding.
59. You’re wonderful; you deserve someone better than me.
60. I don’t masturbate.
61. Let’s be friends first.
62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing.
63. I’d like you even if you were a man.
64. It’s okay to be good looking, but looks just don’t mean that much to me.
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer.
66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids.
67. No, I never said that.
68. You make me feel like a kid again.
69. I’m going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office).
70. I’ll move wherever you want.
71. Of course I’m not bored with you.
72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we’ll…
73. You’ve got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife’s got in her whole body.
74. It wouldn’t be you and me anymore if I used one of those.
75. Let’s pool our assets – whatever is mine is yours.
76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you.
77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind.
78. Sure, I’ll watch the kids.
79. It’s not just the sex I want, it’s being close to you.
80. We’ll be spending a lot of time together when I retire.
81. You’re the only reason I’ve worked so hard.
82. If I didn’t have all this work, you know I’d go with you and the kids to your mom’s.
83. No one’s ever turned me on like you do.
84. My boss says there’s nothing to worry about.
85. I’ll never tell.
86. Relax, she’s just a friend.
87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out.
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic.
89. It was just sex – it didn’t mean a thing.
90. Of course I’m listening to what you’re saying.
91. Come on in and we’ll just cuddle for a few minutes.
92. No, I don’t think you’re fat.
93. You’re the woman I should have married.
94. I’m going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I’m not the father.
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with
my not wanting to get married.
97. I’m not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It’s nothing personal; I just don’t like sharing my living space with someone.
99. This time I’m really serious.
100. Honestly, honey, it’s just for the guys — none of the wives go to the conference.
101. I’ll always take care of you.
During the wedding reception in the family’s southern mansion, the bride’s Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for “mad money”. The bride took the money and discretely stuffed the bills into her gloves.
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride’s Grandmother saw the bride sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was going.. “I left my gloves in the library, Grandma, and it’s important that I have them.”
“Oh you youngsters!” the Grandmother sighed. “You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather’s.”
A foursome was waiting at the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies were taking their time, and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it and hacked it another 10 feet.
She looked up at the men who were watching, and said apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”
One of the men immediately replied, “Now, you see, that’s your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”
The local priest had to attend an out of town meeting for a few days, but didn’t have anyone to cover for him in the confessional.
He asked his rabbi friend across the street at the synagogue. The rabbi said he’d be delighted to help, but didn’t have the foggiest idea of how confession worked.
Understanding the rabbi’s ignorance on the subject, the priest suggested that the rabbi “sit-in” on a few confessions just so he could get the hang of it.
So the priest and rabbi waited together in the booth for someone to come give their confession.
Finally a man showed up and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times in the past week.”
The priest then advised the man, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”
After the first man left, another man entered and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times in the past week.”
Again, the priest advised, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”
After the man left, the rabbi said, “I think I got the idea. Let me take the next one.”
A moment later another man entered the booth, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery once this past week.”
Knowing he’s got a handle on this, the rabbi advised, “Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.”
Vicki was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par after her recent bout with the flu, so she went to see her doctor again.
After a quick examination, he said, “You look weak and exhausted! What have you been doing? Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, and having your meals 3 times a day, as I advised on your last visit?”
Vicki looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed, “Oh doc, I’ve sure been getting the first two, but on that last one, I could have sworn you said three males a day!”
Time to be Sick
I really thought I was going to outsmart this cold that I’ve got right now. I had my strategy all planned out in the event that I should ever get sick again. And of course it all went sideways.
I suppose it could be worse. I’ve definitely been a lot sicker than this in the past, but after all the effort I put into irrigating my sinuses I was hoping that this season’s rhinovirus would take it a lot easier on me.
Of course it decided to settle into parts previously unknown to me, and the pain… Oh the pain! Well, you get the idea. And of course the irrigation merely delayed the inevitable. Right now my sinuses are so plugged up, my teeth feel like they’re going to pop out!
With any luck this should all be over in time for the next weekend. Until then!
Pax,
-f2x
