Monthly Archives: May 2021

A husband and wife were sitting on the front porch one afternoon, enjoying the cool breeze and sunset.
As they say there, a small spaceship landed in the yard, and an alien man and woman stepped off, came up to the porch and introduced themselves.
After chatting for a while, the alien woman looks at the alien man, and says, “Should we ask them?”
The alien man shrugs and says, “Sure, why not?”
The alien woman looked at the couple and said, “We were wondering what sex was like with humans, and thought you might like to swap partners for the night to see what sex is like with us.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do you think?”
The wife said, “I don’t know. We’ve never done anything like this before, but it might be fun. I guess we can if you want to.”
So the alien man and human woman go in one bedroom, and the man and the alien woman go in another.
As the alien man gets undressed, the woman noticed his penis and gasped. The alien man looked down and said, “Is something wrong?”
She said, “No, no. I’m sorry. It’s just here on earth they’re usually a little bigger.”
He said, “Oh. No problem.” He reaches up, pulls his right ear, and the penis grows out to about 7 inches long. “How’s that?”
“That’s fine, but there usually a little thicker.”
“No problem.” He reaches up, pulls the left ear, and it thickens up.
“That’s perfect!”
The couples spent the night together and came out for breakfast the next morning. After eating and visiting a bit more, the alien couple thanked the humans for the evening, said their goodbyes, and flew off.
The husband asked the wife what she thought.
She said, “It was fun and different, but I don’t care to do anything like that again. How about you? How’d you like it.”
He said, “Well, it was fun, but she damn near pulled my ears off!”

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!” “Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.” Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said “morning”. He said “No, just taking a shit”.

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and then prayed for forgiveness.

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out “get this out of me? Give me the drugs”. She looked at me and said, “You did this to me you fucker,” I casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said “Oh no, it’ll be too painful.”

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me “Because I am trying to examine you.”

5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghanistani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s the fuckin matter Abdul, it won’t start! .”

6. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said “Make love to me like in the movies”. So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. She was a little upset. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

An 85 year old grandma lived so far out in the country she had a jackass for burglar alarm. Anyway last weekend grandma got stopped for speeding by the highway patrol.

OFFICER: Ma’am your driver’s license says you have a right to carry permit. Do you have a weapon with you right now?

GRANDMA: Yes sir. I have a 357 Magnum in the glove box, there is a 32 revolver in my purse, I have a 22 in my dress pocket and just for Grins and Giggles there is a fully loaded AR-47 in the trunk.

OFFICER: OH MY GOD LADY! That is a lot of Firepower. What on Earth are you so afraid of?

GRANDMA: Not a damn thing!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.

A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts.

One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.

The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man”.

The girl replies “Aww you sweet old man!” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says “Two-nil motherfucker, your turn”.

Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog’s food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tractor Supply.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina