Outside the UN in New York City, a pollster was attempting to take a survey on a local topic.
Four men walked by: a Saudi, an Ethiopian, a North Korean, and a resident New Yorker. The pollster cleared his throat and said to the men, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage.”
The Saudi replied, “What is a shortage?”
The Ethiopian asked, “What is meat?”
The North Korean queried, “What is an opinion?”
The New Yorker responded, “What is ‘Excuse me?'”
An old Jewish woman won the Super-Lotto jackpot worth over $100 million.
The local news sent out a reporter to interview her: “So tell us, Mrs. Rosenberg, how do you plan on spending your winnings?”
“Well first I’m going to donate a million dollars to the synagogue, and of course I’ll also donate a million dollars to the community,” explained the elderly woman. “Then I’m going to commission a solid gold statue of Adolf Hitler and have it prominently placed in the middle of the town square.”
The reporter nearly choked on his lozenge before blurting out, “But Mrs. Rosenberg, Hitler was an awful, awful man. Why would you want to honor such a monster?”
The old lady held up her arm as she pulled up her sleeve, “Because he gave me the winning numbers!”
Moses went up the mountain while his followers waited below.
The clouds obscured what was going on, and all anyone could hear or see was 40 days of thunder and lightning.
Finally Moses came staggering back down.
The people approached Moses and asked, “What happened up there?”
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Moses began. “The good news is that I got Him down to 10 commandments.”
“Tell us the bad news,” the masses cried.
“Adultery is still on there.”
The Binge
If you hang out in the wrong parts of the internet, there are a lot of people talking about all the new streaming services and the shows on them. Isn’t that just great? Well one of the shows people won’t shut up about is “Gravity Falls”, and I’ve wasted my entire weekend watching this dreck. I’m not even halfway through, and now I’m probably going to waste a bunch of my evenings during the work week to finish up the series because I have no self-control.
Of course I can’t just enjoy a show like normal people. I have to beat myself up whenever they say something incredibly funny and clever. I mean, why can’t I be that funny? Damn them for being professionals at their craft! Seriously, there’s some funny shit in that series, and I can see why people won’t shut up about it.
As good as the show is, there’s still the problem of my binge-watching. I should be getting things done, such as writing comics, or perhaps selling my dog to a cosmetic testing facility. Of course, rather than take responsibility for my life, I’m going to blame corporations because of their blatant disregard for my personal weaknesses.
Maybe this Christmas I should ask Santa for another 75″ 4K TV so I can binge watch 2 series at the same time!
Binge responsibly.
Kudos
Now that you’re done re-watching TV shows you’d never admit you watched in the first place, keep stopping by for new jokes submitted by people like George and Glenn! You can even add to the fun by leaving a joke on our submission page or by emailing me at flush2x@gmail.com!
“Stay curious, stay weird, stay kind and don’t let anyone ever tell you you aren’t smart or brave or worthy enough.” ― Alex Hirsch
Pax,
-f2x
An artist called the gallery owner on the phone to see if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner explained. “The good news is that a gentleman inquiring about your work, wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it almost certainly would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist replied. “What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman let it slip that he was your doctor.”
Morris wasn’t too bright, so he went to the fish monger, who was rumored to be the smartest man in town.
“I want to be smart like you,” said Morris. “Can you tell me your secret?”
The fish monger looked over each shoulder to be sure no one else could overhear, then in a hushed voice told Morris, “Fish heads. If you eat enough of them, it will make you positively brilliant!”
Intrigued, Morris asked, “How much do fish heads cost?”
“Four dollars each,” said the fish monger.
“I’ll take five!” said Morris as he slapped twenty dollars on the counter.
A few days later, Morris came back to the fish monger’s in a rage. “Those fish heads were disgusting, and I don’t feel any smarter!”, yelled Morris.
The fish monger motioned for Morris to calm down and politely explained, “You haven’t eaten enough of them. If you want to become smarter, you have to eat more of them.”
Morris grumbled as he handed over another twenty for sack of five fish heads.
A few days later, Morris was back at the fish monger’s even madder than before. “You’ve been selling me these awful fish heads for four dollars a piece, but I just found out I could buy a whole fish here, including the head, for only two dollars. I think you’ve been ripping me off!”
“See that?” the delighted fish monger exclaimed. “You’re getting smarter already!”
“I’ve gone over the test results twice, Mr. Johnson,” the doctor explained. “I’m afraid you only have 1 week left to live.”
“Oh no! Doc, you gotta help me,” pleaded the patient. “I’m not ready to die. What can I do to live at least a little longer?”
“If you’re really serious, you need to give up greasy fast food, sodas, alcohol, smoking, and sex. You also need to go to bed early, get up early, and exercise every day.”
With hope in his eyes, the patient asked, “And if I do that, I might be able to live longer?”
“Well, no,” explained the doctor. “But it will make your last week feel like a decade.”
A building manager called three contractors to come out and give their best estimates on a small reconstruction job. After carefully explaining what needed to be done, the manager showed the contractors to the area where the work was to be performed.
The first contractor took out his tape measure, did some measuring and said, “Well, I figure the job will run about $1000. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $200 profit for me.”
The second contractor also took out his tape measure, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, “$2,700.”
The manager’s jaw dropped on that last estimate. He looked at the contractor and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How can you justify such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy who’s gonna do it for $700.”
Two yogurts walk into a bar.
The bartender said to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”
“Why not?” one of the yogurts replied. “We’re cultured individuals.”
