How to Tell if She’s Faking

It has long been established some women fake orgasms. The reasons vary from signaling fidelity, to mate retention, to hurrying things along so they can wrap up another disappointing affair.

While some men would rather not question whether or not an orgasm is being faked, it may be important to know whether she finds you to be a stud she is truly wild about, or a pathetic creature who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would like to know, here are a few things you can try to determine whether or not she is faking:

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she’s been looking at. If she says, “Dammit, I was reading that!” she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can’t be concentrating enough on the “job at hand,” and must therefore be faking it. Either that or she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. Stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, “Mmm, you were wonderful, baby,” she is faking it. If she says, “Don’t stop!” she probably isn’t. However, if she says “Don’t stop!” hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

Astrological Afterwords

It is possible to deduce the zodiac sign of a new sex partner by the first thing they say after coitus.

Aries: OK, let’s do it again.

Taurus: I’m hungry. Pass me the pizza.

Gemini: Have you seen the remote?

Cancer: When are we getting married?

Leo: Wasn’t I fantastic?

Virgo: I need to wash the sheets.

Libra: I liked it if you liked it.

Scorpio: Perhaps I should untie you.

Sagittarius: Don’t call me – I’ll call you.

Capricorn: Do you have a business card?

Aquarius: Now let’s try with our clothes off.

Pisces: What did you say your name was again?

An Alleged Affair

The lady of the house sat in the study with tears streaming down her cheeks. Upon entering the room her maid knelt by her side and tried to comfort her.

“Oh Marie,” the woman said to her maid, “I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.”

“I don’t believe it for one minute,” snapped the maid. “You are just saying that to make me jealous!”

Las Vegas Aftermath

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time, but a few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trips.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to do that again!” said the first guy. “Since we’ve been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers ‘7 come 11’ all night long. I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

“I hear ya, buddy,” the second guy replied. “My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we’ve been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers ‘hit me light, hit me hard’. I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

“You guys think you have it bad?!” exclaimed the third guy. “My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”

Sunday, December 15, 2019

The Cold That Wasn’t

Man, I feel like I dodged a bullet this week. I think it was Tuesday that I stopped at Costco and got my flu shot. They only cost $20 there, and it’s on my way home. Needless to say a lot of people at work have been coughing and sniffing recently. ‘Tis the season as they say, so Thursday I started to feel that familiar tickle down the back of my throat, and by Friday the 13th, that tickle became rather unpleasant.

As I entered the weekend, I braced for what I fully expected to be a case of the crud. I cleaned my sinuses in the sink, took some Sudafed (the stuff that you sign for), took some vitamins, and ate some comfort food before going to bed. To my delight, I awoke without even a trace of symptoms. I felt… good. And that’s better than I usually feel.

This Sunday morning was was the same. No cold symptoms. I’m relieved, but still a little nervous. No one likes to get sick, but it’s one of those things that some of us have a hard time avoiding. Eventually I’m going to wipe my eye after touching a contaminated surface, and before you know it, I’ll be sick as a dog.

But for now I’m grateful. I have my health, and I don’t feel like existence is pain. I hope you feel just as well.


Kudos

George is on vacation, so let’s thank that sick puppy Glenn for the jokes this week. Yes, nothing says Christmas like a bunch of dirty jokes. Won’t you please consider sending some non-prurient humor to our submission page or flush2x@gmail.com?

“Be careful, as once you lose your health, it may be gone forever.” ― Steven Magee

Pax,

-f2x

Hard Of Hearing

Three old friends with a hearing loss were out taking a walk.

One remarked to the other, “It’s windy today, ain’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “It’s Thursday.”

The third man chimed in, “Me too. Let’s head to the bar and have a few beers.”

To Marry an Atheist

Maria ran into the room sobbing, “Mama, Mama! The man I love just told me he was an atheist! How can I marry a man who doesn’t believe in hell?”

Maria’s mother comforted her and said, “Dear little one, If you truly love him, marry him anyway, and together you and I will show him just how wrong he is.”