The Night Mugger

It was nighttime, and a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out and stuck a gun to the ribs of a pedestrian wearing a suit.

“Give me your money!” shouted the gunman.

“You can’t do this,” protested the other man. “I’m a US Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me my money!”

Sunday, September 8, 2019

My Baby Girl is Getting Older

Grace’s date of birth was on December 7, 2010. While not quite nine years old yet, age has started to catch up with her. She’s having trouble with stairs, she doesn’t like going outside as much, and she doesn’t get very excited about too many things anymore. Even getting her to eat her food has been more challenging of late.

The other day I noticed her chin had developed a few gray hairs that starkly contrasted against the rest of her jet black coat. Of course Labradores are only expected to live between nine and fourteen years, and while she’s had a pretty full life, I still hate the thought of my little girl entering senescence.

When I decided to get a dog, I had this idea in my head of what I wanted that dog to be. I wanted a female black lab who was obedient, friendly, loving, and loyale. Grace checked all of those boxes and more. She turned out exactly the way I wanted. She’s easy to love, and dare I say, Grace has more friends than I.

I remember one little girl telling me how she liked my dog more than her family’s dog. When I asked why, she explained, “Because your dog doesn’t bite”. And to that I’ll add that Grace has never hurt another living thing. She’s a gentle soul with so much love. I’m so lucky to have her in my life.

But now I’m watching her get older, and there’s nothing I can do. She seems comfortable enough, but her behavior has changed. Her “get up and go” is now preterit. She gives me the whale eye when I walk past her as she’s lying on the couch. I’m having to face the fact that Grace is getting older.

And it scares me.


Kudos

Once again I just want to give a shout out to thank George for emailing me jokes. Some of them ended up in this week’s lineup. Also a reminder that our submission page is still open for business, or you can use an email like George does by sending jokes to flush2x@gmail.com.

Curiosity kills boredom. Nothing can kill curiosity.

Pax,

-f2x

Blonde Hunters

A group of blonde hunters were out hunting in the middle of the forest. At a certain point they realized they were lost.

One of the blondes said, “I’ve heard that whenever you get lost in the woods, what you have to do is to shoot three times into the air and wait for someone to find you.”

They all nodded in agreement, shot three times in the air, waited a while, but nothing happened.

So they shot three more times into the air but, again, no one came to help.

After trying three more shots, one of the blondes remarked, “I hope someone finds us soon. That was my last arrow!”

The New Walkway

Clifford spent all day putting in a new cement walkway, but was horrified to see his kids trying to write their names in it with sticks.

After harshly yelling at the kids, he stomped back inside, only to find his wife scowling.

“How could you do that?” she asked. “It’s just a walkway, and besides, don’t you love your kids?”

Clifford glanced away as he replied, “In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete.”

Going Out

Sicilia scurried down the stairs and stood in the entry to the living room.

“Mamma, I’m going out for a bit,” She said to her mother.

Her mother looked up from her crossword and noticed all the frayed tears in the Sicilia’s denim pants. “You’re not going out with all those holes in your pants, are you?” the mother scorned.

“No Mama,” Sicilia replied. “I’m going out with Peggy and Lynne.”

Courtroom Success

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client.

After several days of trial, the case was finally won, and the client was acquitted and released.

The young lawyer was so excited about his win he texted “Justice prevailed!” to one of the senior partners.

The senior partner quickly replied, “Appeal immediately!”

Traveling Grandma

For two solid hours, the little old lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of her grandchildren.

Finally realizing that she had dominated the entire conversation, she said to the man next to her, “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Trying to Keep Shit Together

So I got this promotion, but of course now it is like they expect me to do even more work than before. Well, actually, there’s just a lot more work for me to do, and I have to put in more hours to get it all done. The good news is, I am having trouble spending all the money I am raking in!

Oh wait… I still owe over 70 grand on mortgage and credit cards. {heavy sigh}

Meanwhile, I get this “long” weekend. By long they mean Sunday and Monday off. I have to work most Saturdays now, and I am also the guy who opens the shop at 5am. Yay.

I guess they were right… I am getting sick of all this “winning”.


Kudos

Glenn sent me several jokes, but all of the jokes were ones we have used already. That means George provided the bulk of the jokes this week, and I scrounged up a few as well. Of course anyone can submit via our submission page or by using my very own personal email address at flush2x@gmail.com.

Hope is the most precious treasure to a person. You know, I eat a lot of Chinese take-out, so I will be typing these straight from my fortune cookies from now on, OK? Don’t forget to add “in bed” at the end.

Pax,

-f2x