Bumpy Flight

Juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side, an airplane ran into a bit of heavy turbulence.

To help calm the passengers, the flight attendant wheeled out the refreshment cart. She asked a passenger, “Would you care for a drink?”

“I could sure use one about now,” he said wryly. “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been drinking.”

Three Envelopes

The old CEO was retiring and a new CEO was hired to replace him at a large company. Before the old CEO left, he met with the new CEO privately, and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon gone.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” He did this, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The letter said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

New Ice Cubes

An old timer was sitting at the bar. The bartender had just mentioned how happy he was with the new ice machine.

“Just look at these new cubes!” the bartender beamed. “Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?”

“Yep,” said the old timer. “I’ve been married to one for the past 25 years!”

Age Defying

Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After applying her new makeup, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking at her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Now hold on a minute!” Harold interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”

Plastered and Persistent

A man walked in the front door of a bar. He was obviously drunk, and staggered up to the bar. He took a seat and belched out a request for a drink.

The bartender politely informed the man that it appeared he had already had one too many and could not be served. The bartender then offered to call a cab for the inebriated fellow.

The drunk was somewhat dismayed, then with a grumble he climbed off the bar stool and staggered out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbled in the side door of the bar. He hobbled up to the bar and hollered for a drink.

The bartender came over and politely refused service to the man due to his level of intoxication, and again offered to call a cab.

The drunk looked at the bartender angrily, cursed, and shows himself out the side door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk found his way in through the back door of the bar. He plopped himself up on a bar stool, and belligerently ordered a drink.

The bartender came over and emphatically reminded the man that he is clearly drunk and will not be served any alcohol, and that either a cab or the police would be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looked at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cried “Just how many bars do you work at?”

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Grumpy Grace

Things got worse, so I took Grace to the vet. They took poop and blood samples, charged me over $300, sent me home with some antibiotics and a bag of prescription dog food that my dog absolutely refuses to eat. Grace is basically acting like a petulant teenager on a hunger strike.

I mean, yeah, she’s getting older, but the blood test shows that she’s actually in pretty good shape. The vet did find some sort of imbalance in her poo, and that’s why she’s on antibiotics, but there’s nothing that is physically wrong with her to explain her brooding behavior.

It would seem my dog is just resentfully bored.

 

I ordered her a bottle of St. John’s Wort, and we’re taking more hikes at Caesar Creek.

Update: 9/16/2019

We had to go back to the vet today. Grace developed a really bad limp. She seemed fine when I left for work this morning, but when I got home she was noticeably tender in her right front leg.

I got her in to see the vet and now the suspected prognosis is not good. With all that’s been going on in the recent history, the pieces are starting to fall into place. We may be dealing with an aggressive osteosarcoma, and there’s not really a whole lot that can be done about that. She has another appointment for x-rays in the morning, and the vet sent home some pain meds to get Grace through the night.

It looks like I’ll be the one taking the St. John’s Wort now.

I’ll keep you posted.

Update: 9/17/2019

Grace is on tramadol and gabapentin right now. The limp is gone, but now she won’t stop with the lengthy spells of rapid, heavy breathing, and she seems very distressed about something.

OK, so some “good” news. The x-ray ruled out osteosarcoma. Turns out she has a bone spur on her shoulder, not cancer. They still need more x-rays because there’s something up with the lungs, liver, and spleen. The vet is stumped, I’m exhausted, and none of this is making sense. After the additional x-rays tomorrow, I’m being referred to a veterinary interni$t for a consultation.

Grace still doesn’t want to eat that kibble the vet sent home, but if I mix it with some chopped up chicken, she’ll eat the chicken and a few bits of the kibble sneak in there. That’s the other good news: She’s eating again.

So while it’s a relief to know it’s not “bone cancer”, we’re not out of the woods just yet. I’ll keep posting updates as I learn more.


Kudos

Well this sucks. I couldn’t use any of the jokes I got this week as they already exist in the archives. Thanks anyway Glenn and George. If you would like to take a crack at submitting a joke we have not used already, I encourage you to try out the submission page or send jokes to flush2x@gmail.com.

Pax,

-f2x

The Scott in NYC

A Scottish mother was visiting her son in his New York City apartment and asked, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

“They are such noisy people, Mother,” explained Donald. “One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Donald!” exclaimed his mother. “How ever do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do?” said Donald shaking his head. “I just quietly lie in bed while playing me bagpipes.”

Adventurous Rednecks

Two rednecks were standing at the top of a cliff. One had a budgie on each shoulder. The other had a parrot and a shotgun.

The first guy jumped off the cliff and on the way down the birds flew away. He crashed onto the rocks below and rolled over on his back. He looked up just in time to see his friend jump off too.

As the second guy fell, the parrot flew off. He pulled out his shot gun and shot the bird just before he crashed onto the rocks next to his buddy.

As they each laid there groaning in agony, the first one said, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!”

The second guy let out a groan and said, “I’m not really too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”

500 Lashes

An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman had smuggled a crate of booze into Saudi Arabia. Without any warning, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were each sentenced to 500 lashes with a whip.

On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced, “It is my wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one request before your whipping.”

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

The Sheikh allowed the request, but the pillow barely lasted 50 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was up next. After watching the German in horror he requested, “Please affix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 100 lashes before the whip went through. The Frenchman was soon carried away bleeding and moaning loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh said to him “You are British. I really like British people. For this, you may have two requests!”

“Thank you, your merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first request is that you give me not 500, but 1000 lashes.”

With an admiring look on his face, the Sheikh declared, “If 1000 lashes is what you desire, then so be it!”

The Englishman smiled and said, “Thank you ol’ chap, and for my second request, I’d very much appreciate it if you’d tie the Frenchman and the German to my back.”