Monthly Archives: August 2019

A man took his pitbull to the vet and said “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do to help?”

“Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him.”

The vet picked the dog up and took a good look at its eyes.

The vet shook his head and said, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” said the man.

“No,” replied the vet. “It’s because he’s heavy.”

During a heated quarrel with his parents Marty yelled, “I’m tired of this run down town! I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving, and don’t you try and stop me!”

With that he headed toward the door.

His father got out of his chair and followed the young man.

“Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.”

“Who’s trying to stop you?” replied his father. “I want to go with you.”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of my organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

Jacob was nursing a beer while complaining about how his wife was an ungrateful wench.

The bartender, lending a sympathetic ear, asked what happened.

“It was her birthday, so I bought her a bag and a belt,” explained Jacob. “She said it wasn’t good enough and threw me out!”

“It does seem a bit ungrateful,” remarked the bartender.

“I know, right?!” slurred the man. “It even made her vacuum cleaner run like new again!”

Vinnie had fallen in love with Maggie. Under the influence of his infatuation, he promised her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses.

One day they took a stroll down 5th Avenue. As they walked past a jewelry store, Maggie whispered, “You promised me diamonds.”

Vinnie picked up a brick laying nearby and threw it through the store window. He reached in and grabbed a diamond necklace, which he then put around Maggie’s neck.

As they strolled on, they came upon a fur shop. Maggie cooed, “You promised me furs too.”

Vinnie picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink, and gave it to Maggie.

As they continued their stroll, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Maggie sighed, “I seem to recall you promised me beautiful dresses.”

“What?!” Vinnie protested. “Do you think I’m made out of bricks?”

An older couple went to a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a younger couple in the seats a few rows in front of them.

The young couple was being very affectionate. It started out with his arm around her shoulder, then the young man was whispering in the young woman’s ear. Then they started to kiss each other, and that lead to some steamy heavy petting.

The old man said to his wife, “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.”

“Watch them, Howard!” the old woman advised. “You already know how to play baseball.”

A woman boarded the bus with her baby.

Without the slightest bit of filtering, the bus driver remarked, “Lady, that’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen in my life!”

The woman made her way to the rear of the bus and sat down. Still fuming she told the man next to her, “That bus driver just insulted me!”

“That’s disgraceful!” howled the man, “Tell you what, you go up there and tell him off, and I’ll hold your monkey for you till you get back.”