Five more jokes are in the queue, and things are kinda going OK at the moment. I find it odd, however, that Bing’s image search is still hot-linking to where the image files used to be located… Oh, how can I explain this…
Before 2016, all the images were stored like this: https://flushtwice.com/wp-content/uploads/year/month/image.jpg
As of January 11, 2016, the “/year/month” part of the address had been removed so that all images are stored directly under “./wp-content/uploads”. A week later, Bing, Yahoo, and something called Kik began referring people to those images in their old locations, which of course results in a 404 not found page. What’s worse is the search terms used had nothing to do with the image they were trying to view.
I know what you’re thinking… Maybe they were linking to those images all along, and you just noticed it when the 404’s started happening… Well, no… There was simply no direct linking to any of my image files until a week after the change. I check for that stuff, because in the past I would have been ecstatically flattered if someone hot-linked to one of my comics in some forum, but that never happened, and these are just search engines lumping my comics with random offensive search terms that aren’t related to the comic. The whole experience has led me to permanently disable hot-linking. Although I’m not too happy about the way in which my webhost actually handles the hot-link blocking situation, it’s the best I can do for now.
So more controls have been put in place, more IP addresses have been blocked, and that includes every IP address belonging to Microsoft to keep them from crawling my site for at least the next 90 days. Fingers crossed, I’m hoping the overall traffic to the site will start to look more legit in the coming weeks.
A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later with a severe sunburn to his legs. His skin had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. He was rushed to the nearest hospital.
The lead on the medical staff at the hospital checked him out and prescribed intravenous electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?”
The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheet off his legs.”
Kenny came home from work one afternoon and was stopped by his neighbor.
“It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked in the window and saw them making wild, passionate love.”
Kenny said,”Was he short, about 5’4″?”
“Yes,” the neighbor answered, “I believe he was.”
“Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?” Kenny asked.
“Yes,” the neighbor agreed.
“Then that was the mailman, Jim,” Kenny responded. “He’ll screw anyone!”
His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
The groom came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection, and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn’t utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed.
Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
The snooker master simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across his penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs.
It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, “For God’s sake what are you waiting for?”
As he gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis and blew the loose chalk off its end, he smiled and while looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, “I’m trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink.”
I’m having what you might call a tantrum with regards to the search engines at the moment. I’ve already blocked most of the crawlers out there, and this past week I went and axed Bing, Yahoo, and the almighty Google.
And a couple days later I let Google back on.
Interestingly the moment I blocked those guys, the Ginger Jokes immediately stopped getting hits, but for some reason Bing is still referring people to images that aren’t even here.
So this past week has been really rough… My civilian job truly sucks, and I’ve been working so much overtime I really haven’t had time to work on lining up any jokes. Please accept my humble apologies if the jokes are lame or missing this week.
A race car driver took one of his adoring female fans out to the bar. They had a few drinks and he took her back to his place. After a round of passionate sex, he fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
“What’s the matter? Didn’t I satisfy you?” he asked.
“It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry woman. “In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights.’ Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘What a smooth finish.'”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver.
“Nothing, but then you felt my crotch and yelled, ‘Who the hell left the garage door open?'”
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “Two Prostitutes – $50.00”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
At that very moment, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”
One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer explained, “Their sign pertains to religion.”
The following day the officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with another large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign: “Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00”
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
