Sex Ed

Seventeen year old Debbie ran into the house and asked her mother, “Is it true what Wendy just told me? That babies come out the same hole that the boy’s thingy goes into?”

Startled but understanding, the mother replied, “Yes, it’s true.”

Debbie’s eyes welled up with tears as she sobbed, “Oh God, Mama! What am I gonna do? Wayne’s baby is gonna knock my teeth out!”

Big Tits vs Little Tits

Women with Big Tits:

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry an extra beer

Women with Little Tits:

..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

What’s the Difference

A Jewish man walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink.

After a few drinks a Chinese man came in and sat next to him.

The Jewish man turned to him and said, “You know I never forgave your people for bombing Pearl Harbor.”

The Chinese man cocked his head to the side, “That was the Japanese who did that! I am Chinese, not Japanese!”

The Jewish man replied, “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”

The Chinese man was livid, “Well I never trusted your people after they sunk the Titanic!”

The Jewish man was perplexed and said, “Well my people never sank the Titanic! That ship was sunk because of an iceberg.”

The Chinese man smiled and said, “Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference!”

Giving Back to the Community

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thought for a minute and said, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Uh… No, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” said the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer went on, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

The Southern Nativity

It was Christmas day, and Mary was traveling through a small Southern town where she stopped to appreciate a beautiful nativity scene. There was, however, one small feature that bothered Mary: The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets. She was unable to fathom the reason for this and left.

On the edge of town, Mary stopped to refuel her car. When she went inside to pay, she asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets on the wise men in the nativity.

The woman exploded into tirade, “You Yankees ain’t never read the Bible have you?”

Mary assured her that she had read the Bible, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen visiting the newborn Jesus.

“Well if you read it then you would’ve known that it says, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

Merry Christmas!