Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies”. He asked, “How many have forgiven their enemies?”

About half held up their hands.

He then asked, “How many of you know that you’re supposed to forgive them?”

Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then asked, “Now how many of you are going to make it a point to go out and forgive your enemies?”

All responded, except one elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive you enemies?”

“I don’t have any.”

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety three.” she replied.

“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, turned, and said: “It’s quite easy really. I just outlived those bitches!”

Scrambled

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Brandon never learned to cook for himself, but at least he doesn’t pretend to know how to cook either. Dewey on the other hand… He’s been operating under the delusion that he had some kind of natural talent in the kitchen. Chef Demerde might just be the teacher that Dewey needs to overcome his culinary catastrophes, but some unsettling realities about Dewey’s cooking may emerge.

Black November

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of “Black November”.

“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,

“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin,

“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer’s wife to hack off your head,

“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald and pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave you lying in the sink,

“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.”

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked,

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed,

But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death,

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound,

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap,
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap,

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
She smiled as she said, “Christmas is coming”.

At the Pharmacy

A lady walked into a drug store and told the Pharmacist she needed a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

“So I can poison that no good husband of mine,” she replied in an indignant tone.

The pharmacist’s turned pale as his eyes grew wide. “Lord have mercy!” He exclaimed. “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! They’d throw us both in jail, and I’d lose my license!”

Then the lady pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist paused briefly as he examined the picture. “Well now,” he said with a restrained tone, “you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Party Advice

During a party, a doctor was talking to a lawyer about how he was tired of his friends asking him for free medical advice.

The lawyer said, “I used to have that problem, but not anymore.”

Intrigued, the doctor asked, “Oh really? How?”

The lawyer replied, “Just do what I do when they solicit you for advice. Mail them a bill.”

This was an amazing revelation to the doctor, and he decided to try it next time it happened.

Two days later the doctor received the lawyer’s bill.

Forgetfulness

“George is SO forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back.”

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!”

“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so”.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship I will learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes to help others learn from them.

Mental Health Telephone Help Line

Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to confirm that everything is OK.
We already know if you are paranoid, and are tracing your call right now. We’ll get you soon.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are delusional, please press 7 and we will beam you back to your mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, the voices will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which button you press – no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, please press 6996669696.
If you have amnesia, please press 9 and state your name, address, phone number, date and place of birth, Social Security number, bank account number and your mother’s maiden name, then memorize the reference number we give you.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up now. No one wants to talk to a pitiful loser like you.
If you are disorientated, please a message leave the bleep after, or before the bleep, or leave a bleep after the message. Or after the bleep. Please tone the wait for.
If you have an addictive personality, please press * to repeat this message.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

First Proctology Exam

A man went into the Proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of KY jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the KY is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?”

At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and flung open the door. “Blast it, nurse!” yelled the doctor, “I said a butt light!”