A Prophetic Prescription

Old Agnes was a little distraught as she phoned her doctor.

“Is it true,” asked Agnes, “that the medication you just prescribed for me has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“I’m afraid so, Agnes,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before Agnes replied, “Well then just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

Contemplating Divorce

It was a pleasant autumn day as Earl and Bubba were quietly sitting behind a duck blind while drinking a few beers.

Out of the blue, Bubba suddenly said, “I think my marriage is finished, Earl. I might have to divorce Mary Sue.”

“Why’s that?” responded Earl.

Bubba sighed, “She ain’t spoke a word to me in over 2 months.”

With a thousand yard stare, Earl took a slow sip of his beer and said, “You better re-think that divorce, Bubba. Women like that are pretty hard to find.”

Tennis Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.

The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

How’s Your Wife in Bed?

Three guys were sitting at the bar.

The first guy said, “You know, I’m really lucky. When my wife makes love, she’s like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions.”

The second guy said, “I’m lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She’s got the most talented hands you can imagine.”

No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy, “George how’s your wife in bed?”

George took a sip of his beer, then replied, “I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player.”

“A chess player?” the other two said in unison.

“Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves.”