Mental Health Telephone Help Line

Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to confirm that everything is OK.
We already know if you are paranoid, and are tracing your call right now. We’ll get you soon.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are delusional, please press 7 and we will beam you back to your mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, the voices will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which button you press – no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, please press 6996669696.
If you have amnesia, please press 9 and state your name, address, phone number, date and place of birth, Social Security number, bank account number and your mother’s maiden name, then memorize the reference number we give you.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up now. No one wants to talk to a pitiful loser like you.
If you are disorientated, please a message leave the bleep after, or before the bleep, or leave a bleep after the message. Or after the bleep. Please tone the wait for.
If you have an addictive personality, please press * to repeat this message.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.


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