Monthly Archives: March 2015

A sales rep on a business trip got booked at a hotel in a seedy part of town. While walking down the street he picked up a flyer for a call girl. There was a photo of a beautiful girl bending over. She had all the right curves in all the right places, long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her butt. At the bottom was her name and number.
The man got to his room and decided to give this girl a call, so he picked up the phone in his room and dialed the number.
“Hello,” said the woman on the other end, “how may I help you?”
The man thought she sounded really hot and said, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait… I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”
“That sounds fantastic, sir,” she said, “but for an outside line you need to press 9 first.”

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

Jenny took a fresh box of twelve condoms over to her boyfriend’s apartment. Over the next week, she and her boyfriend had sex every single night, but on the seventh day she noticed that they were on their last condom. “What happened to the other five condoms?” she asked him.
He nervously replied, “I… um… I masturbated with them.”
The next day at work, Jenny mention this to her male coworker then asked him, “Have you ever done that before?”
“Yeah, sure. At least once or twice. A lot of guys do it,” he replied.
“Wait a minute,” said Jenny. “You mean to tell me that you’ve actually masturbated with a condom?”
“Oh that? No,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before. He asks him, “What do I do first?”
His dad says, “Take her clothes off and put her in bed.”
The hillbilly calls his dad five minutes later and says, “She’s naked and in bed What do I do now?”
His dad says, “Take your clothes off and get in bed.”
He calls back five minutes later and says, “I’m naked and in bed with her. What do I do now?”
His dad’s patience is now running thin, so he says, “Do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body in the place where she pees!”
The hillbilly calls up five minutes later and says, “OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?”

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife, and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.
He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said – OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.
Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband, “You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.”

Bob was obviously drowning his sorrows at the bar when Frank walked in. “What’s wrong, Bob? I’ve never seen you so down.”
“My girlfriend and I had a discussion earlier,” Bob began, “and she told me that a small penis shouldn’t affect our relationship.”
“She’s right you know,” consoled Frank. “Having a big dick is wa-a-a-ay over-rated. A small penis is nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Yeah,” said Bob, “but I’d prefer she didn’t have one at all!”

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said, “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
“Yes I do,” replied the beautiful young woman, “But go ahead, as I’m sure you’re going to ask me anyway.”
“OK,” said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, “How many men have you slept with?”
“That’s my business!” snapped the woman.
“Oh, right!” said the guy, “I didn’t realize you made a living out of it

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane.

After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom…so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often…asks her: “You keep sneezing, what’s the problem?”

The woman replies: “I have a rare condition…every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

He says, “Oh! What are you taking for it?”

She smiles demurely, and says: “Pepper.”

Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver “Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re looking for a couple of child molesters.”
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other.
The driver turns back to the cop and says, “Alright officer, we’ll do it.”

Officer Dudley was patrolling the neighborhood late in the evening when he saw two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevy convertible parked in “Honest John’s” used car lot.
The car lot had been closed for at least a couple of hours, so Dudley pulls up along side the Chevy and asked, “Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?”
“Certainly not,” said one of the ladies. “We purchased this car this afternoon.”
“Well,” said Officer Dudley, “Why don’t you start it up and drive home?”
“We don’t drive,” replied the second old lady.
“And besides,” said the first, “we were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed, so we’re still waiting.”

A guy went into an adult store and asked for an inflatable doll.
The man behind the counter said, “Male or female?”
The customer said, “Female.”
The counter guy asked, “Black or white?”
The customer replied, “White.”
Then the counter guy asked, “Christian or Muslim?”
Perplexed, the customer asked, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”
The man behind the counter said, “The Muslim doll blows itself up.”