Jewish Divorce Proceedings

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says “Now I have to arrange for a Ghet”.
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?”
She replies, “Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!”

The Severance Pay

A machine operator comes home early from the factory and tells his wife, “Honey, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news: I got $25,000.00 in severance pay!”
Astonished, his wife said, “$25,000.00 in severance pay? I suppose that will hold us over for a while. Now, what’s the bad news?”
Holding back the tears the man said, “Wait till you hear what was severed!”

Potential and Realistic

A little boy goes up to his dad and he says “Dad?, What’s the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”
To which the father replies “Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.”
So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies “Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!”
So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies “He is so fine, of course I would!”
Then last but not least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says “Of course I would, who wouldn’t for a million bucks?”
So he goes up to his dad and says, “I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically”
“Well what’s the difference?” says the father.
“Well, potentially we’re sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we’re living with 2 sluts and a fag!”

A Feline Funeral

One day, Agnes found Mr. Friskers dead in the hallway. He had been a good cat, so she stuffed him into a large handbag to take him for a proper burial at the pet cemetery.
So Agnes went down to wait at the bus stop on the corner, and when the bus arrived she leaned into the bus driver and whispered, “I hope you don’t mind, but I have a dead pussy.”
“I don’t mind at all, Ma’am,” he said, “As a matter of fact, you should sit next to my wife in the seat behind me. You two seem to have a lot in common.”

A Bottle of Merlot

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table — alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from.
She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note said “For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants.”
After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over $20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches!”