A dapper gentleman in a three piece suit approached a prostitute in fishnet stockings on the street corner and inquired, “My dear Madam, how much do you charge for the pleasuring of the genitals?”
She twirled her hair and snapped her chewing gum as she nonchalantly replied, “The same as I charge the Jews.”
Be careful with these, guys. These could get you in the dog house:
1 – How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
2 – What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 – Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there..
4 – How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 – Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
6 – If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
7 – Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
8 – Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
9 – Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
10 – If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course; He’ll shut up once you let him in.
11 – Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90% or more. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
12 – Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Once upon a time in a small town, there lived a Priest who was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel, which he kept in a hen house behind the parish.
One Saturday night, he found that his cockerel went missing.
The Priest suspected fowl play, and decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock?
To which all the men stood up.
“No, no,” he said, somewhat flustered, “that’s not what I meant. Has anybody SEEN a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “That’s not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said, now thoroughly embarrassed, “Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?”
And all the choirboys stood up.
There were these three women who were roommates.
One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, “You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.”
The brunette said, “No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.”
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She said, “Now THAT’S a good date!”
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”