Monthly Archives: February 2015

A dapper gentleman in a three piece suit approached a prostitute in fishnet stockings on the street corner and inquired, “My dear Madam, how much do you charge for the pleasuring of the genitals?”
She twirled her hair and snapped her chewing gum as she nonchalantly replied, “The same as I charge the Jews.”

Be careful with these, guys. These could get you in the dog house:
1 – How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
2 – What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 – Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there..
4 – How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 – Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
6 – If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
7 – Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
8 – Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
9 – Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
10 – If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course; He’ll shut up once you let him in.
11 – Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90% or more. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
12 – Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Once upon a time in a small town, there lived a Priest who was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel, which he kept in a hen house behind the parish.
One Saturday night, he found that his cockerel went missing.
The Priest suspected fowl play, and decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock?
To which all the men stood up.
“No, no,” he said, somewhat flustered, “that’s not what I meant. Has anybody SEEN a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “That’s not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said, now thoroughly embarrassed, “Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?”
And all the choirboys stood up.

There were these three women who were roommates.
One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, “You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.”
The brunette said, “No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.”
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She said, “Now THAT’S a good date!”

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed their first son upon his arrival, “Sorry for running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father, “The important thing is we’re all together today.”
The second son arrived, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for your present.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father, “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to actually get married.”
The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep”, said the father, “And cheap ones too.”

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are having sex?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“Well, how did he look?”
“Very angry.”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere, and he said, “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?”
“He was looking through the window at us.”

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home — but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.”
Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in, “Damn Auto spell!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your WiFi, not wife.”

Jim and Fred are at the local pub discussing the respective sex lives.
“Well,” says Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankering’ for a bit of variety.”
Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”
Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids?”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to the best looking girl in the place and starts looking at his watch.
The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late.
“No”, he replies, “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it.”
“What does it do?” she asked.
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
“Ha! Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”
“Damn thing,” the guy says tapping the watch, “must be an hour fast.”