The Key

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Key,” where a small key is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.”
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful — the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the key and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your tits.”
“No point asking about the beard then, eh?”

The Customs of Customs

Abigail immigrated from England to the United States where she met her true love, Harold. After the wedding they left for London. After they arrived at Gatwick Airort, Abigail headed for the British passport control line while her newlywed husband Harold waited in the foreigners’ line.
It was finally Harold’s turn, and the customs officer asked him the purpose of his visit.
“Actually, I’m here on pleasure,” explained Harold. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
The customs officer looked first to the left, then to the right of Harold. “That’s very interesting, sir,” he said as he stamped the passport. “Most men bring their wives with them.”

Sunday’s Paper

“Where is my Sunday paper?!” screeched the crackling voice. An irate older woman called the newspaper office to demand answers to where her Sunday edition was.
“Madam,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday!”
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a quiet mutter, “Well, shucks, that explains why no one was at church either.”

Suspicious Spouse

“My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world ,” complained Morris, the harried husband, to a sympathetic friend.
Last year she found a blonde hair on my jacket and she didn’t speak to me for a week.
Six months ago she said there was a red hair near my shirt collar… and there was no sex for a month.
“That’s not so bad,” said the friend.
“Oh yeah, said Morris, “Yesterday she started beating me over the head with a pan because she hasn’t found any hairs in six months. She thinks that I am going out with some bald bitch!”

They All Die and Go to Hell

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is 25¢.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic, and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply?
The devil smiles and replies, “The country’s gone to hell since Obama took over, so it’s a local call.”