After a night of wild drinking, Bobbie Jean went home to the double wide sporting two new tattoos on her legs.

Her husband Zeke said, “What the hell is them smudges on your thighs, honey?”

Bobbie Jean replied, “Why it’s just the two greatest outlaw country singers ever! That there on the right is Johnny Cash, and that other one there is Waylon Jennings!”

Zeke didn’t really see it, so he called their son into the room to see who or what he thinks they are.

Little Bubba Ray looked at the tattoos and said, “Well, I think the one on the right is Johnny Cash and the one on the left looks a little like Waylon Jennings, but the guy with the bad breath in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”

A man was chatting with the pharmacist while picking up his prescription at the drug store. There was quite a stir about some new condoms called “Olympic Condoms”. The man was clearly impressed by the notion, so he bought a pack.

Upon getting home he told his wife the purchase he made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurted, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, informed the man, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color were you planning to wear tonight?”, she asked cheekily.

“Gold of course”, the man said proudly.

“Why don’t you wear the Silver,” the wife replied. “It would be nice if you came second for a change!”.

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh romantic cabin in the woods.

After an evening of much wine and merriment, one of the men suggests they indulge in a little partner-swapping. The other three looked at one another with a telling grin in their eyes, and it was unanimously agreed. They paired off with their new partner and got naked!

After two hours of solid sex by the fireside, one of the guys turned to his new partner and said, “Wow! This is the best sex I’ve had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?”

A couple returned from their honeymoon, and it was obvious to everyone that the newlyweds were not talking to each other.

The groom’s friend took him aside and asked what was wrong.

“Well,” replied the new husband, “When we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom. Without thinking, I put a $50 bill on the pillow.”

“Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough.”

“That may be true,” replied the man, “but I can’t get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!”

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

“Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.”

“Okay sweetheart,” the groom replied. “Just so you know, I usually have a drink when I come home. If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn’t matter.”

John was sitting at the bar drowning his sorrows when his pal Brian walked in and sat down next to him.

“What’s got you so down, John?” asked Brian.

“The nanny is pregnant because of my son,” came John’s woeful reply.

Brian was shocked. “How could Tommy get a woman pregnant? He’s only 7 years old!”

In a defeated voice John replied, “He poked holes in all of my condoms.”

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all went to a swim meet. The three were standing on the starting blocks for the 100 meter breast stroke event. As the gun went off, the swimmers dove into the pool. The brunette quickly captured first, with the redhead coming in second.

An hour later, the blonde emerged from the pool completely exhausted. “I don’t mean to complain,” said the blonde between her heavy gasps for air, “but I think the others were using their arms!”

Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandmothers place when she saw the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have,” said Red Riding Hood.

The wolf quickly ran away.

A little further down the trail, Red Riding Hood saw the wolf crouched behind a tree.

“My what big ears you have,” said Red Riding Hood.

Again, the wolf ran away.

Little Red Riding Hood was getting a little suspicious by this time but continued on her way to grandma’s. About 2 miles down the road she sees the wolf again, this time he is squatting behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have,” said Red Riding Hood.

With that the wolf jumped up and screamed, “WILL YOU FUCK OFF? I’M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!”

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they teach you to remember things by association.

Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“Who was the instructor?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, let’s see,” pondered the man. “Um… what’s that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns…?”

“A rose?” offered the neighbor.

“Right,” said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the guy we took that memory class from?”

A man goes to his priest and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.

The priest asked, “Why do you think that?”

The man said, “Well, I’m having terrible headaches, my stomach is upset, I’ve lost my stamina, my legs are weak, my vision is blurry, and I lost my appetite. Only a month ago I was in perfect health.”

“This sounds serious! Have you gone to the police?” asked the priest.

“Yes, I have, and they just laughed at me.” The man continued, “Would you just talk to her and see if you can pick up on why she would do this, and perhaps convince her to stop?”

The priest replied, “Well, I’ll try and see what I can do. Come back and see me tomorrow.”

The next day the man went to the priest and asked if he found out anything.

The priest looked down as he shook his head, “I went to meet with your wife yesterday. If I were you, I’d go ahead and take the poison.”