I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so”.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship I will learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes to help others learn from them.

Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to confirm that everything is OK.
We already know if you are paranoid, and are tracing your call right now. We’ll get you soon.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are delusional, please press 7 and we will beam you back to your mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, the voices will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which button you press – no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, please press 6996669696.
If you have amnesia, please press 9 and state your name, address, phone number, date and place of birth, Social Security number, bank account number and your mother’s maiden name, then memorize the reference number we give you.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up now. No one wants to talk to a pitiful loser like you.
If you are disorientated, please a message leave the bleep after, or before the bleep, or leave a bleep after the message. Or after the bleep. Please tone the wait for.
If you have an addictive personality, please press * to repeat this message.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

A man went into the Proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of KY jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the KY is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?”

At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and flung open the door. “Blast it, nurse!” yelled the doctor, “I said a butt light!”

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. “You will find no fish under that ice.”

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, “As I said before, there are no fish under the ice.”

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can’t see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. “I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!”

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, “How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?”

“No”, the voice replied. “I am the manager of the hockey arena!”

A guy with leprosy won tickets to see the world series.

When he got there, he wandered through the bleachers looking for his seat. He finally found the open seat and asked the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answered, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

The leper sat down and added, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move.”

“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomited. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts were splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper got up and said, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”

“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sat back down, but during the sixth inning, the man began to vomit again. This time it is projectile. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper got up and said, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”

“Really, it’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sat back down, but during the seventh inning, the man began to vomit again. This time it was the dry heaves.

The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. Once again, the leper offers to leave, but the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”

So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me, then what is making you so sick?”

“It’s that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.”

A young executive was working late, trying to impress his boss.

As he was leaving the office, at 7 p.m., he found the CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary left hours ago. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. Excited with the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved CEO says, “Now, I just need one copy.”

(Hope your day is going better than this. Happy Friday the 13th!)

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter home from Sunday school when he beeped the horn by mistake.

The little girl turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, “I did that by accident.”

She replied, “I figured that, Grandpa.”

He replied, “How did you know?”

She said, “Because you didn’t shout ‘asshole!’ afterwards.”

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.

They heard a faint moan coming from inside the casket. They opened the casket to find that the woman was actually still alive!

She went on to live for ten more years, and once again died.

Another ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket.

As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out: “Watch that wall!”

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.

Before anyone else could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing, pulled her out of the water.

She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, “I want to go to Disneyland.”

Hilary says, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my campaign airplane”.

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

Hilary says, “I’ll get them for you, and even have Michael personally sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Hilary is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you’re disabled.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!