Category Archives: Sunday’s Rant

The Not so Instant Pot

I was thinking about getting a rice cooker. My old microwave used to make perfect rice, but my new microwave doesn’t pull it off quite so well. I think it had something to do with the old microwave being so old it had the power output of an incandescent bulb that reacted with the magic rust on the interior to produce Krieger waves. Newer microwaves can’t begin to run that shitty.

My old recipe was a couple cups of rice, three cups of water, a couple tablespoons of oil, a tablespoon of powered chicken bouillon, a teaspoon of garlic powder, a chopped onion. a couple cups of frozen peas and carrots, a can of sliced mushrooms, and a finely diced boneless/skinless chicken breast. Stir it up in a very large glass mixing bowl, and nuke it for about 30 minutes. On my old microwave, it worked perfectly every time, but I would advise you not to try this at home as my new microwave doesn’t yield the same results.

That’s when I started thinking about getting a rice cooker. After much hem hawing, I ended up with a $44 Instant Pot Duo Mini from Amazon, and the first thing I did was use it to make plain white rice. The fact that following all the instructions was a bit more complicated than making babies didn’t phase me. No, the part that shook me was that all the hype about cooking a meal in 5 minutes was total horseshit.

So yeah… You set the “timer” for 4 minutes, but that puppy doesn’t kick in until the damn thing gets up to temp… and that takes nearly 20 minutes. Even after the timer stops cooking, you still have to let it sit for another 15 to 20. Ultimately it took around 40 minutes to cook a cup of rice. I could have cooked it on my stovetop in far less time.

But to be fair, it was really good rice.

I’ve since adapted my old microwave rice recipe to the Instant Pot. Everything is the same, but only use 2 cups of water instead of 3, because you don’t have to take the evaporation into account. It comes out perfect every time, and it makes a ton of fluffy delicious rice in about 45 minutes.

And that’s about all I’ve done with the damn thing.

Kudos

OK, so you know how this next part goes. Thanks, George and Glenn… although I did have to steal a couple of jokes from the net to fill out all five days. As you know, we have our submission page if anyone would like to help out, and my email is still flush2x@gmail.com, if you’d care to send jokes that way instead.

If you are reading this, it means you are blessed, and great fortune will soon find you.

Pax,

-f2x

Home Improv-ment

So I bought a countertop dishwasher. It’s for people who don’t have enough space for a regular sized dishwasher. You’re supposed to put it on your countertop, plug it into a nearby electrical outlet, put this special adapter on your faucet, and plug the water hoses into the faucet adapter. It actually cleans dishes just like a regular full size dishwasher.

The problem is, it’s not really all that compact. I put it on my countertop and it took up the whole damn counter. So I tried using an old microwave cart that I had in the basement, but there were significant issues with that too. Basically it was not nearly as convenient as I hoped it would be, but it did such a nice job on the dishes!

I read somewhere online that a guy put one under his cabinet and hardwired it into the plumbing. “That’s what I ought to do!” I said to myself. And so I cleaned out the cabinet adjacent to the sink and stuck it under there. Sure, I’m losing cabinet space, but I’m gaining a modern convenience in a century old house.

Now the electric part was easy. Drilled a big hole straight down into the basement. Ran some ROMEX over to the site, and installed an outlet. Tada! Houston, we’ve got power! Now getting the water hooked up isn’t going so well.

The hose fittings on this thing are all non-standard, and none of the hardware stores seem to have anything that will help me connect it to my PEX. This is a major bummer, and while I saw where one guy on the internet who said he connected it in this way, there are no how-to’s to guide me.

There’s no happy ending to this one, but I’m still working on it. Hopefully I will find something that will make everything fall into place. When that happens I’ll come back and let you know.

Kudos

Well, it looks like the joke database is getting pretty full, so I guess we don’t need anymore… Just kidding. The jokes for this week were provided by my friends, Glenn and George. Thanks, guys. You can be a part of the show too, just drop by our submission page for more details. You can also send jokes or other inquiries to flush2x@gmail.com.

You are charming and talented, and people enjoy your company. Have a great week.

Pax,

-f2x

I’m Tired

Get this: Over the past several months, even during the weeks where I called in sick, I still typically worked more than 40 hours per week.

Needless to say, I’m tired.

Kudos

You’ll never guess who submitted the jokes this week! It was none other than the famous Glenn and George. Thanks again for the jokes! Of course if you’re reading this and would like to get a “Kudos” mention, just head over to our our submission page and leave a joke. Don’t forget to mention who you are when you do. Another great way is to send an e-mail to me at flush2x@gmail.com.

Sapientia, intellectus, consilium, fortitudo, scientia, pietas, timor Domini.

Pax,

-f2x

Washing the Dog

Grace jumped up onto the bed and laid down next to me. It was as if someone had heaped a large pile of freshly peeled dirty socks on my head. I about gagged.

“Nope, nope, nope! Grace, get down,” I said to her. “This shit’s gone way too far!”

She went into the living room and jumped up onto the couch. It’s OK. It’s “her” couch.

I came out of the bedroom and announced, “You need a bath.”

She gave me that coy look as she lightly thumped her tail.

I went into the bathroom, and cleared the area out. This shit always gets messy. I started pulling towels out of the cabinet. The hair dryer too.

Grace isn’t crazy about baths, but she doesn’t avoid them either. She probably felt long overdue for one which is why she voluntarily sauntered into the bathroom. I helped her into the tub and commenced with the bathing.

I started with a tea tree oil castile soap, as it is very gentle and has marvelous antifungal properties. This was followed by a high quality conditioner and a thorough rinsing.

Now for those of you in the know, washing the dog isn’t the hardest part. Drying the dog is. Several towels were employed, followed by a blow drying. Once it felt pretty dry, I brushed her out, then followed up with the vacuum. Yes, the vacuum. It gets rid of the lingering dampness better than anything else.

I also took the time to clean the couch and change the bedsheets. Once it was all over, Grace hopped back up into bed with me. Her soft and luxurious fur smelled amazing, and she slept more comfortably than she had in weeks.

Of course she’s still shedding. She does it twice a year. Six months in the spring, and six months in the fall. It’s the price you pay for having a big cuddly best friend. Unconditional love takes work.

And now if you’ll excuse me. I have a labrador who is in need of some snuggles.

Kudos

To Glenn and George: Thank you for contributing the jokes. Flush Twice relies on people like you to send in the jokes. If you’ve been reading our jokes for a while, why not donate one today? You don’t have to sign up or agree to anything. Just head over to our submission page and type one in. You can also forward your forwards to flush2x@gmail.com. I’d love to be the recipient of your friends’ friends’ friends’ jokes.

You’re going to do great things. You’re the solution to the problem they didn’t even know they had. Your smile brings joy. May peace and happiness follow you wherever you go, for all who know you call you friend.

Pax,

-f2x

Yet Another Reinstall?

So about a year or so ago, Linux Mint released LMDE 3. It was the latest successor to their Debian branch, and sadly, the developers chose not to support the Mate desktop environment. This left me with 3 options: 1) Stick with LMDE 2, 2) Install LMDE 3, then install Mate, or 3) Install the Ubuntu based Linux Mint.

The first one was a non-starter. I wanted the latest and greatest, and felt I had already waited too long.

At the time I chose the second option because I wanted to stay in the more pure Debian ecosystem for a contradictory reason: The Debian edition is supported longer, so there are fewer format/re-install cycles.

I avoided the third option for the worst reason: The snob factor. Let’s face it, Ubuntu users are very near the lowest in the Linux hierarchy. Ubuntu is Linux for the non-technical, Ubuntu is for the lazy, Ubuntu is for the idiot, and now Ubuntu is for me.

There were a few other reasons to favor the Debian edition over the Ubuntu variety, but something was irking me and if I didn’t leave the Debian universe, I would involuntarily blame that “irk” on Debian.

Sadly, the Ubuntu edition still contained that “final” irk, but all the irks up to that point were actually gone. It wasn’t Debian though… It was LMDE 3’s refusal to support a Mate edition.

By the way, that final “irk” had to do with VLC. It’s my preferred media player, and after the latest update, it’s been glitching when you are watching video in full screen.

It might just be my machine, but it’s a relentless glitch that causes the player on screen controls to not want to reappear when you jog the mouse, and the keyboard controls stop working as well.

When I press the space bar, the movie I’m watching had bloody well stop!

Alas, the problem persists under the Ubuntu branch of Linux Mint, so I know it wasn’t just my Debian install. I will not be going back to LMDE 3, however. The Ubuntu system basically looks and feels the same, and shedding a couple of other minor issues that I wasn’t able to fix on my own is a kind of a big plus.

So yeah, if you’re still playing games on Windows, I understand. You’ve got your priorities, and I respect that. I just really enjoy the feeling of the Mate desktop environment powered by Linux… glitches and all.

Kudos

Just another shout out to Glenn and George for supplying this week’s jokes. How do you tell who sends what? Glenn’s jokes are the dirtier ones. So thanks guys. If anyone else would like to add to the collection, please head over to our submission page or send them to flush2x@gmail.com.

Did anyone tell you how beautiful you are? I could just stare into those eyes of yours all day long. You really are something special. Have a great week!

Pax,

-f2x

Filler Rant

So instead of doing a filler comic (a low effort comic tossed out there to avoid looking like you abandoned your work) I thought it would be a helpful idea to create a “filler rant” for this week.

Due to the holiday, I decided to take a couple extra vacation days off work. As a result I’ve been off for much of the week and have had little to rant about.

Oh I suppose I could rant about the appallingly wonderful fireworks show I went to, or the horrendously delightful cookout I attended, nevermind the nauseatingly incredible bounty of gorgeous banana peppers I’ve been picking and pickling. No, I really don’t want to take the effort to turn the happier moments of my life into fodder for my journal of misery.

To be honest, I don’t even want to rant about nothing to rant about. I’m actually rather pleased that for one brief shining moment in time, I don’t have anything I wish to bitch about. Instead, let’s just smile and have a lovely day.

Kudos

Once again we give thanks to George for providing a few of the jokes used in this week’s lineup. I also used a couple of Glenn’s jokes, so thank you, Glenn. We still have our submission page at your disposal, and my e-mail, as always, is flush2x@gmail.com.

Don’t forget: Just for stopping by, you get extra credits towards the afterlife. Thank you ever so much, and have a wonderful week.

Pax,

-f2x

No Good Deed

So back on May 19, I wrote about getting a cordless electric mower. Just to let you know, it’s still doing a very good job. Now that the grass is really coming on strong, it takes me a little more time to mow the yards.

Yes, I said yards with an ‘s’.

So when I was in the Army, my next door neighbor took care of my house. Stan mowed the grass, and his wife took care of the cat. A couple years ago, Stan passed away. I’ve been mowing his widow’s lawn ever since. It’s the least I could do for the kindness they’ve shown me.

But this isn’t about them. It’s about the guy who lives on the other side of my neighbor. My neighbor’s neighbor. Let’s call him Mr. Bellyacher.

I started mowing Mr. Bellyacher’s yard a couple years ago because it seemed like he was having some health issues, and it really wasn’t all that much trouble. It also made the whole block look really nice with all the yards cut to one level.

Now keep in mind, I don’t charge anyone a single penny for any of this.

So this past week I was mowing that strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street… What do you call that section anyway? As I get to his end of the block, he comes running out of his house saying, “Hey Skip, I was wondering if I could get you to do something for me.”

Now first of all, my name is not Skip. I don’t know why he calls me that, but I just roll with it. Now I’m tired and hot, and this guy is insisting that I follow him around to the back of his house so he can show me his gutter in need of repair.

I don’t do gutters, and I told him so.

Not listening to me, Bellyacher kept going on and on about how his doctor told not to get up on ladders, he couldn’t get his buddy to do it, and blah, blah, blah. I started walking back to the front of the house so I could finish mowing the grass.

There was a 4 door car with it’s passenger front wheel pulled up on the strip of grass and was practically on the sidewalk. A guy in his twenties was just getting out of the driver’s side as I walked back up to my lawnmower. He shouted at me, “Hey, is that lawnmower for sale?”

“No! I’m in the middle of cutting the grass,” I shouted back and then proceeded to do my best to ignore the “almost thief”. Bellyacher was rounding the corner to see that I had reached my lawnmower before this dude had a chance to snatch it. The guy hopped back in his car and sped off as I glared at Bellyacher. Without another word he went back into his house.

I don’t doubt for a second that if I had been distracted even 30 seconds longer, my new lawnmower would be gone.

Now what I’m about to say is pure speculation. Bellyacher knew I had just spent a lot of money on a new lawnmower, and he seems to have number of exclusively male friends drop by from time to time. I can’t say for certain, but the nature of the distraction, and the speed by which this motorist in need of a lawnmower appeared is highly suspicious. It wouldn’t surprise me if there was an agreement to split the money after the mower had been pawned.

I finished cutting everyone’s grass that day, but Bellyacher is going to have to find someone else to cut his yard from now on.

Kudos

Just another shout out to thank George for sending in the jokes. Of course you too can submit jokes via our submission page or just send them to flush2x@gmail.com if you get a chance.

Thanks for visiting today, and have a great week.

Pax,

-f2x

Already Harvesting!

So last week I mentioned my passion for banana peppers. To be more precise, it’s more of a love of homemade pickled banana peppers. Well, guess what?

Earlier this week I picked several fruits off my plants. I sliced them, put them in a jar, and poured a boiling hot vinegar solution over top of them. The next day I made a homemade pizza with a hand tossed crust, and topped it with pepperoni, onion, and my delicious banana peppers.

To be honest, some of the peppers were a little underripe, and all of them were kind of small. The flavor reflected the deficiencies, but it was still far superior to anything you could have bought at the store.

It’s summer time, and I’m eating well.

Kudos

More great jokes ahead for the first week of summer! Thanks to George for sending me this weeks material, and thanks to Glenn for the many pictures of naked ladies. Of course I can’t post the porn, so if you would like to submit jokes I would be ever so grateful. You can also send jokes to my email at flush2x@gmail.com. Every little bit helps!

Thanks all, and have a wonderful day!

Pax,

-f2x

Banana Pepper Passion

After I moved into my house, the south side was committed to the task of growing food. Of course I had the obligatory tomato plants, because as you may know, there’s a law in Ohio that requires every household to grow them. I’ve also grown my fair share of other veggies to various degrees of success.

Some years were better than others, but the sweet banana peppers were consistently in the process of bearing fruit throughout the summer. Sadly, I didn’t know what to do with fresh grown banana peppers at that time, so I gave most of them away.

Keep in mind I’ve always loved those jars of banana pepper rings, but I honestly didn’t know how to make them until about two years ago. I found an easy online recipe for them, tried it, and was blown away. This goes well beyond the difference between store bought and home grown tomatoes. This was a life altering event. Store bought jars were rendered nearly inedible thanks to my new found superpowers.

So previously I’d only planted two to four banana pepper plants, but last year I upped it to six! I produced several quart mason jars from just those six plants. This year, I decided to go… a little crazy.

48 Banana Pepper Plants!

I moved the mandatory tomato plants to the east end and planted two banana pepper beds of 24 plants each. It’s mid June, and I’ve already got banana peppers nearing harvest. Oh yeah! This is mass production time!

So I’ll probably be posting banana pepper updates throughout the summer. I’m eager to see just how much I can produce in spite of having such a small plot of land.

Kudos

Another great week ahead with jokes from George, but of course I invite everyone to send in jokes via the Flush Twice submission page. My email address is still flush2x@gmail.com, and you can send jokes to me there as well.

Thanks for stopping by today, and have a terrific week!

Pax,

-f2x

A Nearly Undetectable Revamp

Another mildly painful lesson I’ve had to learn over the years is that the color controls on a display are frequently set wrong.

Most phones and tablets do not offer the ability to adjust things like the hue, contrast, and saturation. As a result, the manufacturers had to correctly calibrate their displays during production. Since phones usually got it right, I had been using them for color balancing my images.

But computers and TV’s have displays that are supposed to be adjusted by the user, unfortunately the user frequently does not do this. I’m not sure if this is due to technophobia, a lack of aesthetic, or a devotion to trolling at the deepest levels, but a lot of people insist on looking at badly calibrated screens.

When viewing my comic on other people’s monitors, I frequently noticed that the color saturation levels were far too high. Initially I dismissed the issue as a few isolated issues that I could safely ignore. In my hubris I surmised that the bumpkins simply didn’t know how to adjust their monitor correctly, and blew it off.

Well I’m not blowing it off anymore. When the idiots outnumber you, you need to take their deficiencies into account.

Earlier this year, I started desaturating my comics prior to posting them. It was a rather brutal 40% reduction in the color level, but something had to be done to ensure future viewers would not be subjected to the intense color bleeding caused by their own malfeasance.

Maybe you noticed the change, but one thing I’ve noticed is a sharp decline in people who wrinkle their nose at mere sight of the comic. Perhaps I finally stumbled upon one of my own deficiencies, and I’m finally starting to see where I was wrong.

No, I’m not about to ramp up the saturation levels on my monitor, but I am going to make sure that I check my work on multiple monitors from now on. I also took the liberty to desaturate the entire “Pathos in the Plumbing” series. I even edited the older posts so that everything was more behaviorally uniform.

I also changed the menu link for “Pathos in the Plumbing”, but there’s still a slight problem. Over time the link becomes obsolete and has to be updated. I’ve asked for help with this one in various forums, but the answers I get are never helpful.

Well, I hope I didn’t bore you too much with this week’s rant. I really didn’t feel like getting anything off my chest, so instead you got to read my whining about website woes.

Kudos

This week’s jokes were contributed by George. He recently had some health issues, but he says he’s doing well, and I look forward to getting many more jokes from him in the future. Just another thanks to Glenn and TOR for pitching in. Flush Twice is always in search of new jokes. Our submission page is one way to contribute, but my email, flush2x@gmail.com, is also a great way to send me the jokes.

Many thanks to all who have helped out.

Pax,

-f2x