Category Archives: Sunday’s Rant

Damn You, Costco

I have a serious food addiction right now, and Ohio is just about the worst place on Earth to try to lose weight. I have enough food in the freezer to last half a year, but I’ll be back at the store to stock up again at the end of September. Currently I have around 8 pounds of cheese, over 15 pounds of meats, loads of frozen vegetables, and a pantry so full, there are boxes of staples on top of the cabinets. Did I mention the candy bars?

The thing is, I have to lose weight. It is affecting my ability to freely move. I cannot breath while I am tying my shoes, I practically have to dislocate my shoulder to wipe my ass, and I am no longer feeling sassy. I fear that if I do not do something soon, it may have negative consequences on my ability to do my job.

Of course once you get this far, “eat less and exercise” is not going to work. It is like being so far in debt that you can’t afford the minimum payment due. If I am to win this battle, I am going to need help.

Wish me luck.

Kudos

Glenn is off this week, so it is just George’s jokes and what I could scrounge up from the net. If you like, you could send a joke or two to our submission page. I also take submissions via flush2x@gmail.com.

“Curiosity kills boredom. Nothing can kill curiosity.”

Pax,

-f2x

Got Promoted (for real this time)!

This isn’t really a rant, but I thought I’d crow about it here. They finally posted a lead position at work. Yes, I had to apply for it. It was just a formality. They opened a lead position, I filled out the paperwork, and now I’ve got my own desk!

My employer had been testing me in various lead positions for a while, but now this one is an official, bonafide, job title and pay change promotion. I did it, baby! I have arrived!

To be honest, the posting and promotion came a couple weeks ago. I just haven’t gotten around to telling anyone about it yet. I’ve been too busy working. It doesn’t matter how much they promote you, a job is still a job, and there’s never enough time to get it all done.

I’ve had to rearrange the department. The original work flow, was neither working nor flowing. My workers, supervisor, and everyone else who’s seen it, have been somewhat impressed by the changes, so that’s a good thing. I still need to start actually hitting the numbers, but the initial results look very promising, and I’m sure that within a few weeks the production output will grow beyond satisfactory.

Of course I’d love to tell you that I got this job based solely on the fact that I am such a wonderful worker. I’d like to be able to say that I earned this job, because I was the cream of the crop. I’d love to make it seem like out of the dozens of qualified applicants, they picked me! I’d like to say all those thing, but the truth is, they couldn’t really find anyone else who wanted the job.

It’s a dirty job with a lot of heavy lifting and endless paperwork. Being in a lead position means I have to drop everything I’m doing at a moments noticed to help regular production workers get back on track, then try to pick up where I left off. I’m not only responsible for my work, but the work and safety of all those around me as well.

Oh my God… What I have done?

Anyway, it’s official and for keeps this time, and I like having my own desk.

Kudos

This week, I want to thank you, the viewer, for stopping by and laughing along with the jokes and comics. I also want to give thanks to by contributors, Glenn and George, for their help in providing the jokes. Of course anyone can use our submission page or send a jokes to flush2x@gmail.com. Every little bit helps!

Right now, someone you love is thinking about you.

Pax,

-f2x

The Not so Instant Pot

I was thinking about getting a rice cooker. My old microwave used to make perfect rice, but my new microwave doesn’t pull it off quite so well. I think it had something to do with the old microwave being so old it had the power output of an incandescent bulb that reacted with the magic rust on the interior to produce Krieger waves. Newer microwaves can’t begin to run that shitty.

My old recipe was a couple cups of rice, three cups of water, a couple tablespoons of oil, a tablespoon of powered chicken bouillon, a teaspoon of garlic powder, a chopped onion. a couple cups of frozen peas and carrots, a can of sliced mushrooms, and a finely diced boneless/skinless chicken breast. Stir it up in a very large glass mixing bowl, and nuke it for about 30 minutes. On my old microwave, it worked perfectly every time, but I would advise you not to try this at home as my new microwave doesn’t yield the same results.

That’s when I started thinking about getting a rice cooker. After much hem hawing, I ended up with a $44 Instant Pot Duo Mini from Amazon, and the first thing I did was use it to make plain white rice. The fact that following all the instructions was a bit more complicated than making babies didn’t phase me. No, the part that shook me was that all the hype about cooking a meal in 5 minutes was total horseshit.

So yeah… You set the “timer” for 4 minutes, but that puppy doesn’t kick in until the damn thing gets up to temp… and that takes nearly 20 minutes. Even after the timer stops cooking, you still have to let it sit for another 15 to 20. Ultimately it took around 40 minutes to cook a cup of rice. I could have cooked it on my stovetop in far less time.

But to be fair, it was really good rice.

I’ve since adapted my old microwave rice recipe to the Instant Pot. Everything is the same, but only use 2 cups of water instead of 3, because you don’t have to take the evaporation into account. It comes out perfect every time, and it makes a ton of fluffy delicious rice in about 45 minutes.

And that’s about all I’ve done with the damn thing.

Kudos

OK, so you know how this next part goes. Thanks, George and Glenn… although I did have to steal a couple of jokes from the net to fill out all five days. As you know, we have our submission page if anyone would like to help out, and my email is still flush2x@gmail.com, if you’d care to send jokes that way instead.

If you are reading this, it means you are blessed, and great fortune will soon find you.

Pax,

-f2x

Home Improv-ment

So I bought a countertop dishwasher. It’s for people who don’t have enough space for a regular sized dishwasher. You’re supposed to put it on your countertop, plug it into a nearby electrical outlet, put this special adapter on your faucet, and plug the water hoses into the faucet adapter. It actually cleans dishes just like a regular full size dishwasher.

The problem is, it’s not really all that compact. I put it on my countertop and it took up the whole damn counter. So I tried using an old microwave cart that I had in the basement, but there were significant issues with that too. Basically it was not nearly as convenient as I hoped it would be, but it did such a nice job on the dishes!

I read somewhere online that a guy put one under his cabinet and hardwired it into the plumbing. “That’s what I ought to do!” I said to myself. And so I cleaned out the cabinet adjacent to the sink and stuck it under there. Sure, I’m losing cabinet space, but I’m gaining a modern convenience in a century old house.

Now the electric part was easy. Drilled a big hole straight down into the basement. Ran some ROMEX over to the site, and installed an outlet. Tada! Houston, we’ve got power! Now getting the water hooked up isn’t going so well.

The hose fittings on this thing are all non-standard, and none of the hardware stores seem to have anything that will help me connect it to my PEX. This is a major bummer, and while I saw where one guy on the internet who said he connected it in this way, there are no how-to’s to guide me.

There’s no happy ending to this one, but I’m still working on it. Hopefully I will find something that will make everything fall into place. When that happens I’ll come back and let you know.

Kudos

Well, it looks like the joke database is getting pretty full, so I guess we don’t need anymore… Just kidding. The jokes for this week were provided by my friends, Glenn and George. Thanks, guys. You can be a part of the show too, just drop by our submission page for more details. You can also send jokes or other inquiries to flush2x@gmail.com.

You are charming and talented, and people enjoy your company. Have a great week.

Pax,

-f2x

I’m Tired

Get this: Over the past several months, even during the weeks where I called in sick, I still typically worked more than 40 hours per week.

Needless to say, I’m tired.

Kudos

You’ll never guess who submitted the jokes this week! It was none other than the famous Glenn and George. Thanks again for the jokes! Of course if you’re reading this and would like to get a “Kudos” mention, just head over to our our submission page and leave a joke. Don’t forget to mention who you are when you do. Another great way is to send an e-mail to me at flush2x@gmail.com.

Sapientia, intellectus, consilium, fortitudo, scientia, pietas, timor Domini.

Pax,

-f2x

Washing the Dog

Grace jumped up onto the bed and laid down next to me. It was as if someone had heaped a large pile of freshly peeled dirty socks on my head. I about gagged.

“Nope, nope, nope! Grace, get down,” I said to her. “This shit’s gone way too far!”

She went into the living room and jumped up onto the couch. It’s OK. It’s “her” couch.

I came out of the bedroom and announced, “You need a bath.”

She gave me that coy look as she lightly thumped her tail.

I went into the bathroom, and cleared the area out. This shit always gets messy. I started pulling towels out of the cabinet. The hair dryer too.

Grace isn’t crazy about baths, but she doesn’t avoid them either. She probably felt long overdue for one which is why she voluntarily sauntered into the bathroom. I helped her into the tub and commenced with the bathing.

I started with a tea tree oil castile soap, as it is very gentle and has marvelous antifungal properties. This was followed by a high quality conditioner and a thorough rinsing.

Now for those of you in the know, washing the dog isn’t the hardest part. Drying the dog is. Several towels were employed, followed by a blow drying. Once it felt pretty dry, I brushed her out, then followed up with the vacuum. Yes, the vacuum. It gets rid of the lingering dampness better than anything else.

I also took the time to clean the couch and change the bedsheets. Once it was all over, Grace hopped back up into bed with me. Her soft and luxurious fur smelled amazing, and she slept more comfortably than she had in weeks.

Of course she’s still shedding. She does it twice a year. Six months in the spring, and six months in the fall. It’s the price you pay for having a big cuddly best friend. Unconditional love takes work.

And now if you’ll excuse me. I have a labrador who is in need of some snuggles.

Kudos

To Glenn and George: Thank you for contributing the jokes. Flush Twice relies on people like you to send in the jokes. If you’ve been reading our jokes for a while, why not donate one today? You don’t have to sign up or agree to anything. Just head over to our submission page and type one in. You can also forward your forwards to flush2x@gmail.com. I’d love to be the recipient of your friends’ friends’ friends’ jokes.

You’re going to do great things. You’re the solution to the problem they didn’t even know they had. Your smile brings joy. May peace and happiness follow you wherever you go, for all who know you call you friend.

Pax,

-f2x

Yet Another Reinstall?

So about a year or so ago, Linux Mint released LMDE 3. It was the latest successor to their Debian branch, and sadly, the developers chose not to support the Mate desktop environment. This left me with 3 options: 1) Stick with LMDE 2, 2) Install LMDE 3, then install Mate, or 3) Install the Ubuntu based Linux Mint.

The first one was a non-starter. I wanted the latest and greatest, and felt I had already waited too long.

At the time I chose the second option because I wanted to stay in the more pure Debian ecosystem for a contradictory reason: The Debian edition is supported longer, so there are fewer format/re-install cycles.

I avoided the third option for the worst reason: The snob factor. Let’s face it, Ubuntu users are very near the lowest in the Linux hierarchy. Ubuntu is Linux for the non-technical, Ubuntu is for the lazy, Ubuntu is for the idiot, and now Ubuntu is for me.

There were a few other reasons to favor the Debian edition over the Ubuntu variety, but something was irking me and if I didn’t leave the Debian universe, I would involuntarily blame that “irk” on Debian.

Sadly, the Ubuntu edition still contained that “final” irk, but all the irks up to that point were actually gone. It wasn’t Debian though… It was LMDE 3’s refusal to support a Mate edition.

By the way, that final “irk” had to do with VLC. It’s my preferred media player, and after the latest update, it’s been glitching when you are watching video in full screen.

It might just be my machine, but it’s a relentless glitch that causes the player on screen controls to not want to reappear when you jog the mouse, and the keyboard controls stop working as well.

When I press the space bar, the movie I’m watching had bloody well stop!

Alas, the problem persists under the Ubuntu branch of Linux Mint, so I know it wasn’t just my Debian install. I will not be going back to LMDE 3, however. The Ubuntu system basically looks and feels the same, and shedding a couple of other minor issues that I wasn’t able to fix on my own is a kind of a big plus.

So yeah, if you’re still playing games on Windows, I understand. You’ve got your priorities, and I respect that. I just really enjoy the feeling of the Mate desktop environment powered by Linux… glitches and all.

Kudos

Just another shout out to Glenn and George for supplying this week’s jokes. How do you tell who sends what? Glenn’s jokes are the dirtier ones. So thanks guys. If anyone else would like to add to the collection, please head over to our submission page or send them to flush2x@gmail.com.

Did anyone tell you how beautiful you are? I could just stare into those eyes of yours all day long. You really are something special. Have a great week!

Pax,

-f2x

Filler Rant

So instead of doing a filler comic (a low effort comic tossed out there to avoid looking like you abandoned your work) I thought it would be a helpful idea to create a “filler rant” for this week.

Due to the holiday, I decided to take a couple extra vacation days off work. As a result I’ve been off for much of the week and have had little to rant about.

Oh I suppose I could rant about the appallingly wonderful fireworks show I went to, or the horrendously delightful cookout I attended, nevermind the nauseatingly incredible bounty of gorgeous banana peppers I’ve been picking and pickling. No, I really don’t want to take the effort to turn the happier moments of my life into fodder for my journal of misery.

To be honest, I don’t even want to rant about nothing to rant about. I’m actually rather pleased that for one brief shining moment in time, I don’t have anything I wish to bitch about. Instead, let’s just smile and have a lovely day.

Kudos

Once again we give thanks to George for providing a few of the jokes used in this week’s lineup. I also used a couple of Glenn’s jokes, so thank you, Glenn. We still have our submission page at your disposal, and my e-mail, as always, is flush2x@gmail.com.

Don’t forget: Just for stopping by, you get extra credits towards the afterlife. Thank you ever so much, and have a wonderful week.

Pax,

-f2x

No Good Deed

So back on May 19, I wrote about getting a cordless electric mower. Just to let you know, it’s still doing a very good job. Now that the grass is really coming on strong, it takes me a little more time to mow the yards.

Yes, I said yards with an ‘s’.

So when I was in the Army, my next door neighbor took care of my house. Stan mowed the grass, and his wife took care of the cat. A couple years ago, Stan passed away. I’ve been mowing his widow’s lawn ever since. It’s the least I could do for the kindness they’ve shown me.

But this isn’t about them. It’s about the guy who lives on the other side of my neighbor. My neighbor’s neighbor. Let’s call him Mr. Bellyacher.

I started mowing Mr. Bellyacher’s yard a couple years ago because it seemed like he was having some health issues, and it really wasn’t all that much trouble. It also made the whole block look really nice with all the yards cut to one level.

Now keep in mind, I don’t charge anyone a single penny for any of this.

So this past week I was mowing that strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street… What do you call that section anyway? As I get to his end of the block, he comes running out of his house saying, “Hey Skip, I was wondering if I could get you to do something for me.”

Now first of all, my name is not Skip. I don’t know why he calls me that, but I just roll with it. Now I’m tired and hot, and this guy is insisting that I follow him around to the back of his house so he can show me his gutter in need of repair.

I don’t do gutters, and I told him so.

Not listening to me, Bellyacher kept going on and on about how his doctor told not to get up on ladders, he couldn’t get his buddy to do it, and blah, blah, blah. I started walking back to the front of the house so I could finish mowing the grass.

There was a 4 door car with it’s passenger front wheel pulled up on the strip of grass and was practically on the sidewalk. A guy in his twenties was just getting out of the driver’s side as I walked back up to my lawnmower. He shouted at me, “Hey, is that lawnmower for sale?”

“No! I’m in the middle of cutting the grass,” I shouted back and then proceeded to do my best to ignore the “almost thief”. Bellyacher was rounding the corner to see that I had reached my lawnmower before this dude had a chance to snatch it. The guy hopped back in his car and sped off as I glared at Bellyacher. Without another word he went back into his house.

I don’t doubt for a second that if I had been distracted even 30 seconds longer, my new lawnmower would be gone.

Now what I’m about to say is pure speculation. Bellyacher knew I had just spent a lot of money on a new lawnmower, and he seems to have number of exclusively male friends drop by from time to time. I can’t say for certain, but the nature of the distraction, and the speed by which this motorist in need of a lawnmower appeared is highly suspicious. It wouldn’t surprise me if there was an agreement to split the money after the mower had been pawned.

I finished cutting everyone’s grass that day, but Bellyacher is going to have to find someone else to cut his yard from now on.

Kudos

Just another shout out to thank George for sending in the jokes. Of course you too can submit jokes via our submission page or just send them to flush2x@gmail.com if you get a chance.

Thanks for visiting today, and have a great week.

Pax,

-f2x

Already Harvesting!

So last week I mentioned my passion for banana peppers. To be more precise, it’s more of a love of homemade pickled banana peppers. Well, guess what?

Earlier this week I picked several fruits off my plants. I sliced them, put them in a jar, and poured a boiling hot vinegar solution over top of them. The next day I made a homemade pizza with a hand tossed crust, and topped it with pepperoni, onion, and my delicious banana peppers.

To be honest, some of the peppers were a little underripe, and all of them were kind of small. The flavor reflected the deficiencies, but it was still far superior to anything you could have bought at the store.

It’s summer time, and I’m eating well.

Kudos

More great jokes ahead for the first week of summer! Thanks to George for sending me this weeks material, and thanks to Glenn for the many pictures of naked ladies. Of course I can’t post the porn, so if you would like to submit jokes I would be ever so grateful. You can also send jokes to my email at flush2x@gmail.com. Every little bit helps!

Thanks all, and have a wonderful day!

Pax,

-f2x