An old couple was planning a second honeymoon for their golden wedding anniversary.
She suggested, “We’ll go to all the same places like we did fifty years ago.”
He mumbled, “Uh huh.”
“And we’ll do all the same things that we did fifty years ago.”
“Uh huh.”
“And we’ll make love like we did fifty years ago.”
He responded, “Yeah, except this time it’ll be me who sits on the side of the bed and cries, ‘It’s too big. It’s too big!'”
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:
Husband: Sumitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!
Unbelievable!
I can’t believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese!
I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.
You need help!
The husband and wife were getting ready for bed. As soon as they settled down the man leaned over and whispered softly,”Hey snuggle boopy boopsy, our little hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for nite-nite yet.”
The wife took the hint and replied, “OK but I have to use the bathroom first.”
She got up and went to the bathroom, but on her way back she tripped over a piece of carpet and landed flat on her face.
Her husband jumped up concerned, “Oh my little hunny bunny is your nosey-wosey all right?”
“I’m fine,” she said. “Let’s get this over with,” as she jumped into bed and made mad passionate love for two hours!
Afterwards the wife went off to the bathroom again. Just as before she tripped over the same piece of carpet landing flat on her face!
Without any sign of flinching the husband grunted, “Clumsy bitch.”
A mother walked by her young son’s room and saw little Johnny masturbating.
Later, she had a talk with him and told him that good little boys save it until they are married.
A few weeks later, the mom was having another talk with little Johnny. “How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?” she asked.
Little Johnny cheerfully replied, “Great! So far, I’ve saved nearly a quart!”
A Scotsman moved to Canada and attended his first baseball game in Toronto.
The first batter approached the batters’ box, took a few swings, and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run”
The next batter hit a single. The Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered, “Run! Run!”
The Scotsman was enjoying the game and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and let four balls go by. The Umpire motioned the player to walk.
The batter started his slow trot to first base. The Scot stood up and screamed, “Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!”
The people around him began laughing, and the embarrassed Scot sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man’s embarrassment, leaned over and explained, “He can’t run; he’s got four balls.”
The Scot stood up again and screamed, “Walk with pride, Laddie!”
So much for that idea
A week ago Saturday, I decided to try posting jokes over the weekend to see if it would boost weekend visitors. The result? Fewer visitors not just on the weekend, but throughout the week as well.
So naturally this made me very unhappy. Nevertheless, I shall continue posting weekend jokes for the time being. To those of you who still bother to tune in, you’re welcome.
Pax,
-f2x
PS: I’m done with the Pathos series…
…for now.
A visiting minister began the offertory prayer:
“Dear Lord,” he said with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name ‘Jenny’ on it that I found in your pants pocket.”
The man then said, “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on. I won big, too.”
The wife apologized and went back to her housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan.
Picking himself up off the floor, the man asked why she had hit again.
The wife replied, “Your horse phoned.”
A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh James,” she pleaded, “I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face at least once.”
James quickly replied, “My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
“Oh really, I can’t,” he replied. “She loves it… I just can’t!”
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake, bolted upright in the bed and shouted, “Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are YOU doing here? My husband will be home any minute!”
